Losing my dad to suicide

Hello guys I am new to this and I am desperate for some support. I lost my dad last year to suicide in April. He was always ‘depressed dad’ however when me him and mum lived together she always made sure he was on his meds. After 25 years of marriage they sadly split up. He didn’t speak to any of his side of the family and he started going worse and worse. He lost so much weight was crying constantly and on New Year’s Day he told me he wanted to kill himself. I didn’t know what to do or say. He worked for freight liner so they are strict on mental health, with lack of help from anyone around me at 17 I had to try and help my poor dad as much as I could. I didn’t drive or work so I could help him however it made it hard as I had no income to get him to where he needed to go or for food ect. He got so down never fed me and I was just so scared stressed and alone. He then got rid of my dog which was his prized possession this was hard for me as I never got to say goodbye. One day I went to his house as he wasn’t answering my texts and there was no answer when I finally got in he had self harmed his arm so bad once I got him up to the hospital he had to have plastic surgery (skin graft) this was so traumatic he was crying his eyes out. My strong dad was so weak now and I just didn’t know what to do. They got the mental health team involved yet they failed him as when they knocked he never answered and they left him due to him being ‘low suicide risk’ even though he told them he was done with his life. He told me I couldn’t get him anymore help as he’d lose his job and if he lost his job hid commit suicide so I didn’t get him anymore help because I didn’t want him to leave me. I feel so guilty but I didn’t ever believe he would really do it. Then the day come no answering the phone I went to his house and had to unlock the door. Luckily his sister was there who went in and I never saw it but there he was he had killed himself. She come outside and shook me and said it’s all your fault your dads dead in there (even though she hadn’t seen him for 9 years). That has stuck in my head forever. I went to see my dad after he passed which I found comforting. I drank a lot when he died for the next 4 months to cover the pain and then I got a job I had to move away due to him dying so I have no friends around me everyday. I work, do a degree all helping children. My job is stressful but I do love it. I have held back all of my grief for my dad because I drank and then because several people blamed me for his death and said he didn’t care about me because he didn’t leave me a note. Many people say his selfish and a silly man yet I don’t agree with his. He has his peace and that’s all I care about. I feel lonely because no one understands me and that’s why I’m here. I often think how I want to be with my dad. My mum is good but she is so angry with him for making me feel this way it’s hard to speak to her as her opinion is very different to mine. I just need some non biased support please. I feel like all I want is family support and I don’t get it as my family blamed me/don’t speak to me. Someone please help me I am so sad. Everyday I think of my dad doing it to himself and then dying and crying and it’s so disgusting it makes me feel sick. I’m so angry he had to go through that and I wish I could just be with him and hug him and tell him his safe and fine and how much I will always love him. It’s so hard turning 18 and starting my degree ect knowing my dad is never ever going to be in my life again it kills me to think I’ll never touch him or hug him again. Oh I miss you daddy.
Sorry for the long message
Thanks in advance

Hi ,
What a terrible situation for you at such a young age, absolutely heart breaking .
Firstly, you are in NO way to blame for your father’s death. It sounds as if you did everything you could in an impossible situation.
i would guess his sister said what she did in a state of shock and guilt maybe but so unfair to lash out at you.
Your mum’s anger is a common reaction to grief but it isn t helping you when you need it.
Do you know about SOBS? SURVIVORS OF BEREAVEMENT BY SUICIDE ? They should be able to help you more than I csn.
Also , have a look at the excellent After Talk website , especially the Q & A by Dr Niemeyer
( himself a son of a father who killed himself)
Have you spoken to somebody where you are taking your degree ?
You are doing the right thing looking for help.
I’m sure you must be in such a state of shock and so very sad at losing your dad in such a horrible way. You obviously loved him very much as I’m sure he loved you. Sadly he just couldn’t cope as many can’t.
Wishing you well at this very sad time .Sadme

I’m so sorry that you lost your dad to suicide at such a young age. It sounds as though you had such a lot to deal with trying to support him with his depression, and very little support for yourself. You are absolutely not to blame for his death - his depression was what caused it.

It’s really important for you to have some support and outlets for your emotions, and I hope that it helps even a tiny bit to be able to share things here. Everyone here has lost loved ones in various circumstances and will understand some of what you are going through.

We had a user called @shizwhiz post a few weeks ago about losing their mum to suicide - you might be interested to read and reply to their post here: My mum took her own life and now I'm lost

There is also this conversation where you can find a user called @Tt951, who lost their dad at only a few years older than you: 24yrs old.. My dad died infront of me before Christmas

@anon94470799 has made some good suggestions for further support. There is also an organisation called Grief Encounter, which specialises in supporting young people with grief - you can speak to their professional counsellors by phone, email, or instant message chat.

Hello, i hope you are as well.as you can be in the circumstances.
I’m not sure jf you read out replies or not.
Wishing you well. Sadme

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