So on the 29th June it was the 1st anniversary since my partner passed away from alcohol liver disease at the age of 42 leaving me at the time 36 and our 11 year old daughter i couldnt go to the cemetry as i have been isolating all week so daughter took flowers.
I have never felt pain like this even after losing my dad 5 yrs ago I thought that was bad enough but this has been horrendous as he wanted the help but was too late (see my other posts)
At first your in a daze cannot quite believe it but time goes on whether we want it to or not and we cannot change the past sadly
He was my first and only love and its so hard also living the other end of the country from where i grew up is tough aswell with no family here but i have good work friends
I have good days and bad but think that will how it will be I will never get over what has happened I just have to learn to live with it
I have started driving lessons as felt it was time i did something for myself and our daughter
I no longer drink alcohol thats the impact it had on me
Ive learnt who my true friends are alot have just cut me and my daughter off now
Ive also learnt you only get one life one body and you need to look after it
I miss my partner so much and wish he was still here as i felt he owed it to us to get better but i cannot change it
We are all going to end up the same way and there is nothing we can do about that (scares the hell out of me though)
One day at a time be kind to yourself xx
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I have come to the conclusion that what we do doesn’t alter ‘fate’. My 50 year old husband was doing everything he could to have a long and healthy life. He was out on a run keeping fit when he collapsed and died. He took good care of himself but it didn’t stop him going. It has made me question everything now. Sending hugs to you and your daughter
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Dear Fg15
I’m sorry to read your post. I lost my husband recently he was a heavy drinker too, he was 64. When the drink took hold I became angry with him but after a while I felt so sorry for him and I really wanted to help him. It began with depression and he couldn’t see a way out
He talked about suicide many times and was sectioned at times. He was gentle and loving but terribly troubled. I miss him so much. There is so much I want to tell him.
People who are not living in this situation don’t understand their torture my husband was tormented by his demons… He felt unloved by his mother… She clearly loved him but isn’t demonstrative. He neglected himself and eventually got an infection which turned out to be sepsis it damaged his already weakened body and he died from heart failure and pneumonia.
I am going to campaign for men who suffer with their mental health, it would seem they find it difficult to ask for help and things need to change.
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So sorry for your loss my partner wasnt a bad person either
He never spoke aboout how he was feeling never went to the drs until it was too late the drink got hold of him it wasnt intentional he didnt want to leave us near the he kept saying he would get there never thought it would be heaven 
Take care xx
Thanks for replying. I think it’s great that you are learning to drive and a good move not to drink…I still drink I probably shouldn’t I’m not a heavy drinker…my husband couldn’t function without alcohol towards the end.
I think if covid hadn’t have happened he might still be here…I’m probably kidding my self I guess. Every day is a battle so many reminders everywhere you turn…not that we need reminders our loved ones are in our heads most of the time.
The one thing that gives me peace, is that he isn’t suffering any more.
I know I will be ok eventually…it’s my nature I’m a tough old bird… it just doesn’t feel like that at the moment.
I’m very grateful for this place to offload and share our grief, it’s some sort of comfort.
Take care
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