Hi
I haven’t posted for a while and today just feel like I need to
Simon has been gone 11 weeks today that intense overwhelming grief has passed and I’m now just on a sort of rollercoaster ride everyday not knowing what to expect
I’ve had 3 counselling sessions which have been mixed the first was very helpful as I almost needed her to Ok my tears, I’m not usually a crier until last year and now I cry every day still.
I’ve had a phased return to work which is going ok apart from the drive there and back where I’m alone with my own thoughts.
His stone is ready and will be done the 28th March and we have booked to take some ashes away in June
Paperwork is still constant, my car needs changing but I feel guilty having a new one as people will think it’s with his money ( it won’t be it will be through my own wages ? ) I know I don’t have to explain to anyone but everything just makes me feel either sad or guilty
The kids are desperate for me to plan things and have some normality but I’m just not ready yet, going to Asda is hard enough.
I’m not even sure why I’m posting I don’t really have a question more I suppose for some reassurance that my journey is ok
I fetched some of his ashes to have with me at home something I was never going to do in fact I can imagine him saying “ you sure that won’t freak you out Karen “ lol
But it has made me feel closer to him.
I am going to watch our lad play footy today
he is 24 but it’s still nice to support him.
This life is just so cruel and I don’t think I will ever be the same happy person I before I lost him
Hiya. Maybe you won’t be the same person as before but you absolutely can be happy again. It might take a degree of determination and a willingness to try new stuff and not give up but you sound like a strong lady to me and I’m very sure that you will get there. Here’s the thing: of course we wouldn’t have chosen this situation and would give anything to have our partners back but, in truth, that’s not going to happen. And no amount of ‘what ifs’, tears or guilt is ever going to change it. So, as far as I see it, we have a choice. Give in and drown in misery or fight for life. Heart disease took Alan but it sure as hell isn’t going to take my life as well. That’s in front of me and I’m planning to enjoy it. You have already done lots of positive things, way more than some people and I think you definitely need to be proud of yourself. I’m sure Simon would be. He sounds like a good bloke! I know what he meant about the ashes; I was totally creeped out with them in the house. I put them in the under stairs cupboard and then couldn’t get the hoover out because they were there (well, that’s my excuse anyway!!). I’m rambling a bit now (haha) but, the bottom line is this; you are doing brilliantly and you will get through it. And the future will be good. Different, but still good. Best wishes x
By the way, who gives a toss what people think about your new car ( or anything for that matter). Go and choose something you love. x
Thank you for your reply
It’s so bloody tough and I knew it was coming so I have no idea how people like yourself coped.
Maybe you are right I won’t ever be the same person again and maybe I shouldn’t be.
I am just exhausted by everything I’m such a social Person usually but now I almost scuttle to the local shop with my hood up so I don’t have to interact with anyone and their stupid comforting words of wisdom.
My favourite one being “ I know exactly how you feel because when my Husband left me in November for another woman I was devestated!!” I had to really bite my tongue
Or “at least you have your Grandson “ like he is some sort of consolation prize ??
I sit somewhere between hating and loving life and my emotions are all over the place still, I can hear Simon’s voice saying “ seriously are you still crying “
Hi it’s 15 weeks today I lost my partner Jon. Sundays are just the worst day for me as a constant reminder of what happened the day he died and also Sunday was a day we always spent together. They are so long and lonely now. Weekends used to go so fast when he was here and now they just drag. At least you have something planned today. I try to keep busy as it does help when you’re occupied. I still haven’t returned to work, I just don’t know how I would cope. I feel safer at home and feel closer to him there. I understand where you’re coming from, stay strong x
I think as many people tell you it’s different for us all but I totally get the Sundays thing more because Simon loved Sundays the golf, football then back for Sunday dinner before the American football on the night time, he also passed on a Sunday.
Sometimes I’m comforted by the fact it was the 31st December he passed away as It meant he didn’t have to go into the New Year being poorly as he absolutely didn’t want that. but also every week is the actual amount of weeks he has been gone ( if that makes sense) , we will also experience all of our firsts without him in order which also gives me mixed feelings.
Work has helped as they have been amazing and they understand I’m not the same person that can go and present in front of tens of people or board members at the moment and might not be for a long time.
I hate when I have a normal few hours as it makes me feel so guilty still
I hope you manage to have a few hours of normal today x
Bless you. I’m so glad your work place has been understanding. I’m struggling with the not being the same person I was thing. I’ve gone from a confident manager to a mess. I don’t know how I will go back to that job but they have said I can have a phased return when I’m ready. I get what you say about the dates . I’ve done the first Christmas and new year although I was still in the deep shock stage. The next big one is our anniversary and my birthday in May. Hope you have a ok day too.