12 days in and it hurts so much

I’m new. I lost my mum in January (she had a devastating stroke 6 months before and died of pneumonia). I lost my Dad on the 8th October (unknown primary brain metastasis). He was only diagnosed beginning of September. He declined so quickly even though they said they could operate.

They were the best parents I could have hoped for. I grieved my mum while she was still alive as she couldn’t talk any more and was bed ridden and had carers in 4 times a day. My Dad was my best friend, my rock, my backbone and I adored him. The pain I’m feeling is like no other. I know you all know how it feels.

I didn’t have this grief before or after losing my mother. I feel guilty because of that.

Their house is so painful for me to visit. I just can’t imagine feeling normal again.


I’m so sorry you’ve lost both parents in pretty quick succession. I can imagine it must be very hard.
I lost my Dad twenty years ago and my Mum suddenly just over a year ago. I found that I grieved very differently for both of parents. No two griefs are the same. With my Dad I hardly cried at all and managed to cope pretty well. With the loss of my Mum there has been a pain and rawness like I’ve never known. I didn’t know one could grieve so deeply. I’m not normally a crier, but I have cried so much for my dear Mum.
It is hard. My only advice is take it hour by hour during the roughest moments. I found going to bed early helped.
Take care.

1 Like

Strange how grief is different isn’t it? I’ve always cried a lot but I’m annoying myself now. I just want to stop but I know I won’t!

I just cleaned the bathroom (my house is a disgrace at the moment) and I felt better as I was doing it. I put the radio on and had a sing song even. I’ll be crying again in a bit no doubt!

Do you have siblings? I only have half siblings but on my mums side and I don’t really get on with them.

Dear Parrot,
Like you and Daffy I too lost both my parents, first my dad in 2017, then my mum in 2018, And like both of you, the grief I experienced was different for both. I don’t think you need to feel guilty about that. With your mum you had 6 months to prepare yourself and as you say, your grief started when her life changed after her stroke. With your dad it happened so quickly that it must have come as a shock. You obviously loved both of them very much. Like your parents,mine were the best you could wish for, but I always felt much closer to my dad than to my mum, maybe we were very similar in character and losing him hit me much harder than losing my mum. It also made a difference that my mum always had health problems and my dad was always the strong and healthy one. I still miss both of them very much. I understand what you write about their house and how you find it painful to visit it. I felt the same the first time I entered their empty flat. Without mum and dad there it was no longer a home, just a flat. Having to sort out their belongings (we had only 6 weeks to do that because it was rented) was very emotional. I did it together with my sisters and I don’t think we could have done it without each other. When I left the flat for the last time it was a very strange feeling because it had so many memories, but I knew that I would take all those memories with me in my heart.
Do you have someone who can go to the house with you who will understand and be supportive? How are your 2 sons coping with losing their grandparents? Our son is 19 and he was actually amazingly strong and helped me a lot at the time.
It is good that you have come to this site. I hope you will find it helpful.
With love,

My children are doing ok. My 15 year old is refusing to go to school more than usual though. I think he might be worried about me so wants to stay home. My 20 year old works and only had 2 days off bless him.

I too was closer to my dad. We got each other, he told me I’d been a great support to him after Mam died. I worry now that his grief felt like this and I didn’t acknowledge it which upsets me. His health deteriorated quickly after she died and he had lots of hospital appointments and lockdown really didn’t bloody help.

My fella comes with me to the house but I just sit there and cry. I look at the food in the fridge and freezer and it makes me so sad (strange)!! My dad wanted me to live there once I was ready but at the moment the thought hurts way too much.

I can’t imagine how you got through clearing your parents things in 6 weeks. Oooof!! My dad asked me to sort through mams clothes for charity after 6 weeks and that was tough…but a whole house.

I miss him so much, We were so close you know. He was like an open book and we’d talk about everything. I must say there have been a few moments where I’ve thought is that Dad letting me know he’s ok. I just hope our loved ones meet their loved ones again once they’ve gone.

I’ve no siblings, but I have a partner. I miss the long conversations and the shared history. I’ve hardly touched my Mum’s stuff. Time has in some respects stood still. Her keys, coat and handbag are in the same place. I’ll see to it, when I feel it’s time.

1 Like

Shared history is spot on. Like we’ve lost our identity isn’t it. I remember when I eventually went through mams handbag (dad asked me too). Her lipstick got me. God I cried :broken_heart:

Yes, there are triggers everywhere. I hope one day that the things that hurt become a comfort. I hope.
12 days is such early days for you. Be gentle with yourself and take your time, if you can.