12 Months in and it's getting worse

Hello everyone l feel a little foolish as so many of you are very recently bereaved. I lost my partner 12 months ago l can’t remember much about the first 6 months. The last six months was reflection. The problem is l know he’s passed but sometimes l still can’t believe it but at the same time l struggling to get on with my life alone. We had no children together and there was a big age gap but it didn’t matter. We worked together all over the country. I have no one to talk to about him. He has a son from a previous marriage who l spent Christmas day with but as time as gone on he his less reluctant to talk about his Dad which is his choice of course. I have had about six weeks of counseling but my head was so mashed it only helped a little. One of our favourite things was to go for drives and walkes all over the north west. I don’t drive due to sight problems in my mind l know that this way of life has ended but my heart won’t accept it and l even if l had someone to go these places with l can’t face going with out him. Sorry for the rambling l guess this only makes sense to me. I am dreading another new year with out him. think l was in shock this time last year as it’s so much worse this year. Best wishes to you all.

Hello gardenlass. Welcome to this site. You are not rambling. I lost my husband 15 months ago and this Christmas has been far more difficult to deal with. Last year I was still in shock and people were still showing interest in how I was. Now , quite rightly they have all got on with their lives, and expect me to do the same. The problem is I can’t find a life without him. We spent all our time together, didn’t socialise very much, but like you enjoyed each others company driving and walking and exploring all over the country. I have forced myself to try and make a new life. I tried voluntery work, joining clubs, even accepting the offer of sharing a wine with neighbour s, but I don’t enjoy any of it. We were so content in each others company, looked forward to each day and had expected a long and adventurous retirement. He died 30 days after the cancer was diagnosed, so we never had time to prepare . My two boys are grown up and live several hours drive away, so they don’t visit often. Also my younger sons wife is in the middle of chemotherapy for breast cancer, and I am so worried for them. The thought of another year stretching ahead , alone,missing him every day, talking to his photo and crying, is so frightening. My waking thought is of him , and then the clutching and nerves in the stomach start, and I think how can this go on? But I know there is no choice but to carry on in a life we never expected, or wanted, or deserved.

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Hello KaKa . I am so sorry. It is torture. I feel for you so much. It is scary those feelings of how wondering to cope. I often feel what is the point even though like you l know l have no choice but to carry on I find that just taking each hour at time and not looking to far forward helps stops the dread and fear. Though it’s not easy Also l imagine what my partner would say to me if he were here. Crying is quite normal even though scary sometimes l think l will start and not stop. I have tried gardening groups, art groups, drinks with the niegbours even though l don’t really drink. You sumed it up well l don’t really like any of it either. It doesn’t fit as we weren’t ’ joiners’ You really pull at my heart strings when you say ’ we were so content in one anothers company we were too. It’s not people or company l crave just him. We had a little time to prepare for what was to come unlike you and l feel you must still be in shock. I still feel it’s unreal and it’s the feeling l hate the most. It must be worrying thinking about your son’s wife and also stir up painful memories and feelings for you. While awake at silly o’clock this morning l though that l might try writing memories down since there is no one to share them with it is something concret to do as it is the nothingness l miss. I am sending you a virtual hug l am here anytime you feel like it.

I have kept a journal and find it is a way of communicating my thoughts with him, and sharing the events of the day. I drove home from visiting my son for Christmas, a journey that took 5 hours, I avoid the motorways, and he said why don’t you stop off in a nice hotel? Make a holiday of the trip like you and dad did. They just don’t get it, there is no point . I suppose sharing such a close and wonderful relationship, has spoiled us for anything else. I can’t accept that he’s not around any more. I don’t see anything except life with a gaping hole where what used to be was. I sound such a misery and I’m really not like that. To all intents and purposes, I’m coping and paint on the smile before going out. That’s why sites like this are a life line. We all understand our life has changed forever, we miss them every minute of the day, and just sometimes it’s good to be able to say so out loud

It is so hard, Gardenlass, you are among understanding people here. I have just been through my first Christmas without my beloved Stan, he died on the 15th August, 2019, I never thought that I would cope with it, but I did. Our daughter came for me and took me to Derbyshire to spend Christmas with her and our son-in-law, our grandson and his partner invited us for our Christmas Dinner, another bonus was our 16 month old great grandson, Jonty, who is a delightful little boy and so full of mischief we had to laugh. All in all, Christmas was good, it would have been much better with my Stan there, of course, I nearly cracked when I saw that our grandson had placed a setting where Stan would have sat. Bless him, this has been the first Christmas without him since 1957, how I miss him.

Thanks for your lovely message l am so sorry about your ’ lovely Stan’ and how nice that they laid a setting for him.
Best wishes

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hi Gardenlass
you feel this bad because you loved him so much.if only we didn’t love our partners so much we probably wouldn’t be feeling this way.im very sorry for your loss and hope you can find comfort and support to ease the pains your going through.
regards ian

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Thanks Ian yes we still love them so much and always will. I feel so guilty that l can’t make any headway through my grief as l promised him l would keep going which l am but not with any real purpose at the moment l seem to take one step forward and then go straight back To zero. Take care

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yw Gardenlass
sadly we didn’t talk about death or what Jayne would want or expect of me.im living my life with Jayne in my heart and soul.to me im trying live like Jayne is here with me.and I still shed tears every day as I miss her so much.we walk through life and some of us are lucky to find that special person who actually completes us.they are in my eyes the one and only.so when we lose them its devastating irreplaceable .so we live as best we can.or in my case just exist.im not exactly religious but believing Jaynes spirit is with me helps me get through each day.take care


No matter how we did things at the time there is always regrets and thought s of what we should have done. Yes some people go a lifetime and don’t find a soul mate. The devastation we feel is the price we pay for the joy we experienced. I live in exactly the same way he is still in my heart and always will be l take one day at a time.

Ian, your words are absolutely lovely and so right. I had two failed marriages as did Brian but then we met, was it meant to be, I think it was, although we was different as chalk and cheese it worked. I would have liked longer than the thirty years but that’s being greedy. Would it have worked if we had met when younger? God gave me those happy years and I’m trying hard not to feel as if I’m having to pay a price now.
Pat xxx

Hi my wife died in November 2018 it’s jan 2020 and I feel worse now than I have ever done,we were married for 35years she got cancer and died in hospital ,the last month I had a hospitality room and watched her crumble away bit by bit each day,wouldn’t have had it any different but it was horrible and I can’t get it out of my mind.I can’t seem to be able to move on and in one way I don’t want to,don’t seem to have any point to life anymore I put on a brave face because sympathy only lasts so long,never thought I would ever feel this way about anyone and for so long but I suppose that’s what grief is.well that’s my story not much different to most other people’s ,time heals and you just learn to live with it maybe, but at the moment it’s not.

Hello, Newtasa, I am so sorry about your wife, grief has no timetable, it is 5 months since I found my husband dead on our bedroom floor. Today,
I have felt as bad and heartbroken as I did at the beginning. Welcome to this forum.