136 days

I lost my wife in the 19th February this year, she had been ill since September last year and although her battle with depression and drinking goes on for much much longer. We went to school together and after two failed marriages we finally got together in 2009 at the ages of 39. We spent 7 beautiful years together. We were married in 2014 and with her 2 children we lived happy and although I knew there were problems we fought together to work through them. My wife had a poisonous relationship with her mother, sisters and ex husband. It didn’t help her depression.

In September she was taken into hospital and I spent each day by her bed at visiting times, in October the consultant told us she wasn’t going to make it. My wife fought hard and for a moment we had hope… It was short lived. In December I had to move her to a nursing home, she was the youngest there by years. The home was amazing but the true fact I and the children had to accept was that she wasn’t going to make it and it was a matter of time. We had a release in early Jan and a week in hospital gave her a few more weeks, with hindsight I should not of agreed to admit her as it just prolonged the pain.

On the 16th of Jan her ex husband texted me to say the children were going to live with him, I got nothing from the children in an explanation. They had been told they had no choice but at 13 and 16 they could have fought it, They didn’t and it broke me, the worse was to come 3 days later and I was left with nothing. Her ex even asked for the dog and cats as they were family pets and I was no longer a family.

The funeral was painful, her family on one side and min on the other, the crem was packed out with people standing outside just to pay there respects. They all remembered how her smile lit up the room and her love and warmth.

I had a friend, she messaged me in Jan to see if she could help. She has experience of loss in her professional life and just having someone to talk to helped… The family made the most of this and I was accused of having an affair for years. More lies and pain. Ironically this has pushed us closer and I feel a lot of love for her.

So 136 days on I don’t know how to feel, I have anger to have been left in this situation with nothing to hold onto for the previous seven years of my life. I have no relationship with the children as they aren’t allowed and have been poisoned against me. I am trying to rebuild, I’m 46 and don’t cope very well as a single person. I want to start my new life with the friend who helped me and I want to move on.

Yet I feel guilt, hatred, loneliness and betrayal. Not very positive. The GP has helped but I’ve lost a lot of my former life… I’ve walked away from social media and work is just of no interest to me.

I just want to shut the door on the word and hide… When will this get better…

Hi Syd,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife and all of the problems you’ve had with her family. It’s not surprising that you have a lot of anger. It sounds as though the anger and difficult emotions are making it hard to move on to a possible new relationship.

I hope that it’s helped a little to share things here, and hopefully some of our other users will be along soon to reply. In the meantime, you may find it helpful to read and maybe reply to this post from Amelia1, who lost her partner to alcoholic liver disease: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/loss-partner-0#post-8190

It’s good that the GP has been supportive - have they suggested referring you to any counselling? This can be a really good way to process all the difficult feelings and learn to move forward.

The Bead (Bereaved by Alcohol and Drugs) website also has information and resources for people in your situation: https://www.beadproject.org.uk

If there is anything I can help with, or you have any questions about this Online Community, you can email me on online.community@sueryder.org, or send me a private message on here.

Priscilla
Community Manager

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