14/12/1988

Im usually the type to want to get what im saying in order, get my words written out properly but fuck that… sorry fuck it.

Muz should have been 31 today. I should be spoiling him and seeing the smile on his face, instead i’m up reminiscing and preparing to go to his grave.

Im so sick and tired of everything being played down, so done with having people try to brush it off, brush him off like he was just some next person, some boyfriend of 2 minutes.

Imagine meeting the most amazing person, as close to perfect as there could be and feeling so lucky to have them. Imagine being so loved and have them bring so much joy into your life. Then you fight to get married and afterwards you’re both so happy and it’s all bliss. They take you and show you a whole other life and ask nothing in return, they do it because they love you. Imagine being woken up one morning and that same amazing person has had a sudden accident and the next day you have to watch them die infront of you without even being able to say goodbye. You just have to sit there and watch.

Just imagine having the love of your life be brought into your world and then snatched away the way he was. Only then talk to me about being strong, only then try speak to me about what Muz would have wanted.

Muz would have wanted to be here, he would have wanted to be 31 and already planning the next year.

Sultana, I totally understand what you are going through and don’t have to imagine. The love of my life had his heart attack two days before his birthday, he never woke up. I had to watch him die for three weeks before he passed away which was just a few days before my birthday and also the anniversary of the day he proposed. It’s tough and horrible and those days will never bring joy again. People tell you to be strong to move on but I just can’t.

Take care of yourself today, do what you need to do. It’s bad enough with christmas coming up and I see perfect presents I would have bought him but can’t. He loved you and not many people ever get that kind of love so you know you are worth loving. I wish I could say something to help but I know there’s not much people can say what does.

Rosie

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hi Sultana
I totally understand were you are coming from,friends who have still got a family unit tell you to move on.maybe if they go through the same they might realise how difficult and heart breaking it is to do anything .my partner Jayne passed 3 days before her birthday I had like usual brought Jaynes favourite food to cook on her birthday.but Jayne was taken from me.nothing I can say to you, can make you feel better.just hope you can find ways to cope and get through the days weeks months years etc.

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Omg im shaking even just typing this, the strangest thing happened. So i really wanted to go to a place called Nakhon Thai for Muz’s birthday, it’s a sentimental place for us and i didn’t want to uber it but there were delays on the DLR so i ended up having to. Got an uber and the driver’s name popped up. His name was Muzammil! Spelt the exact same way. I was just speechless. Tell me, that can’t be a coincidence right? I’ve never met another Muzammil in my whole life and then i meet one on such a specific day?? Maybe im going crazy but imagine i’m going to a sentimental place on my husband’s birthday and by chance my uber driver is called Muzammil??? There’s just no way… im still on edge about it, i don’t know if it’s a sign or a crazy coincidence or what but it’s too much. I don’t know how to take it.

Hi Sultana, for me it would be a sign. We are told to keep looking for them and they are all around us. I look for every sign that my husband is near and I draw comfort from every one of them no matter how tiny. If it was a co-incidence then it was an uncanny one. I would prefer to think that your beloved Muz was with you on his birthday.
xxxx

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I still can’t get my head around it. If someone else wasn’t with me i would honestly be seriously doubting myself.

I think it’s a sign Sultana, someone looking down on you saw you needed a ray of hope on such a difficult day and you got one. Rosie.

My sister said something that really stayed with me, she said to me “look at the whole thing, like really look at it. It’s turned out that Muzammil took you to Nakhon Thai on his birthday.” It’s a gift or a sign, no way do i believe it’s a coincidence.

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