14mths after loosing Mum

Hi, my name is Kay. I lost my Mum 14mths ago, she had a rare condition called scleroderma and her health was deteriorating, however she was still strong and fighting it. In January 2020 she got a sore on her toe which her body could no longer heal, her doctors referred her to the foot clinic but unfortunately was getting worse and was starting to kill off her toe and foot causing extreme pain. She needed an operation to clear the blocked vein, but was delayed. She then was in high doses of morphine which caused her to be violently sick, wouldn’t eat or drink. When she finally got to see someone they put in for an emergency operation……which then due to covid got delayed.
Long story short, by the time she actually had the emergency operation she was weak and hallucinating. She had her op, come hope and seemed to be recovering well but would need a further operation to take her toe, then 2 days later she was back in pain and hallucinations were back worse than before, my Dad called 111 who sent an ambulance and rushed her back to hospital. (This was the hight of lockdown April 2020)
After 3 days of the doctors not knowing why Mum was hallucinating and not healing :heart:‍:adhesive_bandage: we lost her over night, we were all absolutely devastated and had to grieve alone including my poor Dad, our family is upside down now she’s gone.

Now, I have so much anger and hatred within me. I have two young girls and am a full time Mum, I haven’t been able to grieve properly as I can’t break down in front of my children.

However I have waves of grief that are uncontrollable, and often are a reaction to what ever is going on in my day. I have very short temper and lack enthusiasm in anything I do including parenting which is what’s bought me to join Sue Ryder for some support.

Although my partner is slightly supportive, he’s not the most understanding and just doesn’t get my mood swings.

I just don’t know what to do, I miss her every day and so badly want to sob hard to ease my pain.

I act strong for my Children, Dad and Brother, but deep down I am just not accepting what’s happened.

Sorry for the long post, it’s so hard for me to give the full picture in a short paragraph.

Thank you for reading, and also so deeply sorry for all who have lost loved ones. :heart:

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Hi kay so sorry to hear about your mum, you went through alot with her and to lose her so quickly must have been devastating, I lost my mum on July 10th she was diagnosed with secondary liver cancer & other health problems, I wanted her home to be with dad & her family I gave up my job to look after her & we had carers in too, they weren’t 100% how long she had but she lived a good 6 weeks, I’m absolutely heartbroken & lost without her, I know my life will never be the same now , I cry every day & I know its still early days but it’s hard not having her at home when I go round the place is so quiet, we are all grieving an immense loss that will take time to come to terms with people say you will get over it but I’m not so sure.
You take care
Love Lynn xx

Hi Kay (and Lynn)
I lost my mum 6 years ago in September, and it still hurts my heart every day. Losing your mum changes who you are, and that’s something weird - I thought I’d “get back to myself”, but it’s something that doesn’t ever heal…you just adapt your life to incorporate the loss. I realised that this woman was the only person who had known me my entire life, every minute, and losing that connection is humungous and utterly devastating.
Kay, you have to mourn. And it seems like you NEED to. Could you leave the kids with your partner (he has to take responsibility for them sometimes too!), and take yourself off for a day by yourself. I take comfort in looking at photos and listening to poignant songs - it makes me cry but with a smile at the good memories. You need to let the tears flow - and the shouts of “it’s not fair”, and whatever else comes out. Holding back will make a dam that will explode somewhere down the line. I also found “discarding” the time around her death helpful, I just try and see it as “she was here and now she’s not”. But she still is I’m sure - I don’t think a mother ever leaves their children, and I still feel and talk to her frequently.
It’s a bloody tough road, and you won’t be the same, BUT you can still have a happy, enjoyable life, and be You,I promise xx
Catriona

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Hi catriona
Thank you for your kind words, it’s so tough nothing prepares you for this time, I know that I will never be the person I was, it’s as though a part of me died with her but that feels ok cos hopefully she has someone with her, I hope I can feel her presence at some points in my life as that will be very comforting, I know a mother’s love never dies so I take comfort in that too, it helps to know your not alone in your struggles everyone that’s lost someone close will have a hard road ahead, but I take it each day at a time I loved her so much and I hope she feels that
You take care
Love Lynn xx

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Hi Lynn

Thank you for reaching out and I am so sorry for your loss also.
It doesn’t matter if you knew the day was coming or it was a complete shock, it still hurts so bad to loose a parent and especially a daughter loosing her Mum.
I feel for you and I know the place you are at, at times goes on you cry a little less and laugh a little more, but not a day will go by without you missing her.

Some days i am numb and don’t feel a thing, or the time I have alone to be able to grieve, I don’t or I can’t. It just comes in waves and it’s those waves i fine very hard to ride, like the day I lost her. Like yesterday was a very bad day for me which is why I felt I needed to join this group.

I hope you are ok Lynn, thinking of you. X

Hi Catriona

Thank you so much for your reply, and your kind words. Definitely have hit home.

The problem I have, is the time I have alone to grieve or be alone and accept, I don’t and can’t.

It’s when the ‘waves’ hit that can wipe me out, and it’s always when I cannot be alone due to my partner working.

It’s been 14mths and although I have found time does make the acceptance and coping better, when the waves hit, I am fuelled with the same sorrow and anger as the day it happened. The not being able to say goodbye, being in hospital alone and leaving this world without her loved ones holding her hand absolutely breaks me. I just can’t seem to get passed it.

We as a family are closer now more than ever, but the person who wanted that more than anything in the world is gone.

She was my best friend, the person I called what I was down, the person who I told everything to, the person who told me everything and needed me and my love. I’d do anything to have my Mumma back.

Xx

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Hi kay, hows things with you? I’m still struggling each day I wake up I feel the same loss & cant seem to stop thinking about my mum, the guilt that shes not here is still so strong, when will it end, I know it’s still early days but it’s so hard to think I will never see her again, hows your days been, I hope your coping as well as you can, thinking of you
Lynn xx

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