Hi, my name is Kay. I lost my Mum 14mths ago, she had a rare condition called scleroderma and her health was deteriorating, however she was still strong and fighting it. In January 2020 she got a sore on her toe which her body could no longer heal, her doctors referred her to the foot clinic but unfortunately was getting worse and was starting to kill off her toe and foot causing extreme pain. She needed an operation to clear the blocked vein, but was delayed. She then was in high doses of morphine which caused her to be violently sick, wouldn’t eat or drink. When she finally got to see someone they put in for an emergency operation……which then due to covid got delayed.
Long story short, by the time she actually had the emergency operation she was weak and hallucinating. She had her op, come hope and seemed to be recovering well but would need a further operation to take her toe, then 2 days later she was back in pain and hallucinations were back worse than before, my Dad called 111 who sent an ambulance and rushed her back to hospital. (This was the hight of lockdown April 2020)
After 3 days of the doctors not knowing why Mum was hallucinating and not healing :adhesive_bandage: we lost her over night, we were all absolutely devastated and had to grieve alone including my poor Dad, our family is upside down now she’s gone.
Now, I have so much anger and hatred within me. I have two young girls and am a full time Mum, I haven’t been able to grieve properly as I can’t break down in front of my children.
However I have waves of grief that are uncontrollable, and often are a reaction to what ever is going on in my day. I have very short temper and lack enthusiasm in anything I do including parenting which is what’s bought me to join Sue Ryder for some support.
Although my partner is slightly supportive, he’s not the most understanding and just doesn’t get my mood swings.
I just don’t know what to do, I miss her every day and so badly want to sob hard to ease my pain.
I act strong for my Children, Dad and Brother, but deep down I am just not accepting what’s happened.
Sorry for the long post, it’s so hard for me to give the full picture in a short paragraph.
Thank you for reading, and also so deeply sorry for all who have lost loved ones.