Hi, I’m new to this site and joined because I need to talk about my grief to people who understand. I lost my husband almost 18 months ago after a devestating rare neurological illness finally took him from me. I nursed him at home for 3 years and gradually witnessed his decline until his poor ravaged body gave up on him. I’m finding it so hard to get over loosing him and can’t move on from those years of nursing him, I want to remember the old him but the sick him is what I remember. I live miles away from family but have good friends, unfortunately they don’t fully understand my grief and why should they? I never really understood other people’s grief, you have to have been there to understand. I have never really had a good cry since loosing him, I really want to but the tears and sobs just won’t come. Feeling a bit hopeless and need to get this off my chest, I’m sure the outside world think I’m doing just fine but little do they know that my world is a very lonely place that just belongs to me.
Hi. Katiebow. You sure have come to the right place because everyone here knows and cares. It’s very difficult for someone who has not been bereaved to understand. Many will try try be helpful, but they can only imagine your pain, not feel it.
I know exactly what you mean about seeing only a sick person. I still see my wife in the care home, she had dementia in the end. I think the memory is so painful it’s impossible to erase it from the mind.
As to tears and such; you will grieve in your own way. It’s a very personal process. I think you will weep eventually, but shock can play awful tricks on us.
You will feel hopeless at times, I think we all do. But there is hope and that dim light at the end of the tunnel does get brighter. We can only speak from personal experience, but I try to look forward and not back.
Please take care and come back and talk when you want. We are all here and know. Give yourself some TLC.
Can I suggest you consider using Sue Ryders online counselling service, it helped me understand my feelings and deal with issues. An emotional experience but was so needed. I liked it being so personal, in my own home at a time to suit me.
I am so sorry for your sadness 18 months after the loss of your husband. Grief affects all differently, although I have heard it said that the second year of grief is worse than the first! It must be difficult to forget the difficulties of seeing your husband’s health deteriorate. It is easy for me to say think only of the good days before his illness, than it is for you to do just that. Do not berate yourself for not crying, you were no doubt grieving while you were nursing him. I can relate to that as when my Mother died, my siblings were round her grave weeping, but I, who had been her main carer, could not drop a tear! I often wondered why I couldn’t cry, but have since realised that as I lived nearest to her, and was the main carer, I saw her condition deteriorate on a daily basis, and grieved at the same time. It is now 17 months since my husband died, who also had a neurological condition. This time, my grief is completely different, and even now, there are days when I have a job to stop myself crying I do so miss him. However, on the whole, I usually manage to make myself go out to various meetings and groups that I have joined, but not every time! Just try to take one day at a time, pat yourself on the back for good effort when you have achieved something you enjoyed. Take care. Deidre
Thankyou for your kind and considered reply, I thought I would be over the worst by now but it’s just not the case. As friends and family think you are getting on with life and doing well the truth is I’m not but it gets harder to share your grief as time passes. Thsnks again
Thanks for your advice it’s something I keep considering but your advise will help me to make up my mind, it was the online bit that put me off, thought it might seem impersonal.
Kate, it’s the complete opposite xx
Thanks for your kind words and reassurance, I try to fight all of these negative feelings but it just doesn’t work.
Thanks for letting me know.
My mother died 5th July and I already feel so bereft I’d like to die if it reunites us, so my thought is with what you report.
'Might help that I’ve noticed - already - that I’ve found tears and sobs come from being at Mum’s grave, focusing on what’s going on for me - expressing thoughts, etc - whereas I notice I’m more-inclined to bottle feelings up attending to the everyday at home, etc.
So I’m wondering if anything could perhaps give you such focus…?
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. It sounds as though things are very
tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.
I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been
able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out
there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone
about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s
bothering you (116 123, or firstname.lastname@example.org).
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to
counselling or other support services in your area.
We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community, and I see you have mentioned this elsewhere.
Another service you might want to consider that may be more suitable for you is Cruze 0808 808 1677, email@example.com,
You deserve care and support so please get in touch with one of
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or
contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Online Community team
I feel your pain, I lost my husband of 31 years 8 months ago and it feels like just yesterday when he left us not able to say goodbye to each other was literally, "I lost my other half "…In my opinion, time doesnt heal and you just get used to the pain and need to learn to live without our loveones.
My Son and I are blessed to have wonderful friends and family and trying their best to be supportive unconditionally…
As you see, I firmly believe that theres always “light at the end of the tunnel”, accepting everything and everyones help and supports. It can be a lonely world to live in after loosing our loveones and you are right, not all can feel and understands our predicament. We feel, lost, numb ,hurt, angry and so on BUT I hope and pray that we find peace as our loveones. Dont loose hope, hang in there…This group seems a good way to talk to each other and I have a good feelings about this.
Regards to you and your family…God bless.
Kate, it’s normal to feel what you’re feeling as we grieve in different ways, negative thoughts is part of it and believe me, I know…Take each day at a time and that’s true, whoever tells you that grieving has limits, they never lost part of their heart. We will never be the same again, we see the world in a different ways and sometimes, to feel guilty when you laugh or out somewhere without them? I have been told, its normal…Take your time, we will get there.
Thankyou forvyour comment, it helps to think that your not the only one having these feelings when you imagined that the worst should be over by now,
Katie you will find support here. I too watched as illness ravaged my poor darling husband. It’s the worst nightmare. You probably felt as helpless as I did. I felt a failure, I should have been able to stop his pain. Now we are left with those painful memories and what I have done to try and stop me dwelling on those times is put photographs of him all around the house. Had them enlarged and in frames. We was walkers, so I have him in his walking gear or his shorts when walking up a mountain. On stage with his band. Asleep in his armchair with one of the dogs on his lap. They do help me. Of course I have moments when I remember the bad days but I can also remember those happy times.
I was exactly like you and never understood other peoples grief. I was totally selfish.
Yes, it’s a lonely place and the grief belongs to us alone.
I write to Brian every night telling him what I’ve been doing or how I feel. Sometimes I cry as I write, depends on the mood at the time. It does help though.
I do hope we can help you so keep posting. We all understand.
Thankyou for your reply, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one feeling so lonely, I thought I’d done most of my grieving as I watched Ben’s decline over the 4 yrs that I nursed him, not the case is it? I know that I can cope on my own, I had to do a lot of fighting to get things in order so that Ben could stay at home, look after bills, the house and any related issues, driving him to appointments in the adapted vehicle etc etc. Never imagined I would miss all of those things, tripping over equipment, feeding him, attending his personal care, but I do. The house feels like an empty shell.
I too have had a breakdown…not had one day of not crying since I lost my Richard 11th April…Oh and yes they contacted my GP doctor, and hey ho, as expected the only help offered is to be put on anti-depressants, the medics answer to everything…well no, i need a clear head, still got stuff to deal with…no one is going to do it for me…
Tough isn’t it? xx
Hi Jackie- Richard.
In defence of antidepressants. I had a mental breakdown about 30yrs ago following on from the death of my dad and serious work commitments. For me they were a life saver as I may have committed suicide with them. Modern day antidepressants are called SSRI. Perhaps you could Google this and fund out how they work. I certainly didn’t lose my clear head - on the contrary - I felt ‘Normal’ again. Normal in the sense that I could still grieve for my Dad and continue my job as a policeman. I hope this post at least gives you food for thought. Counselling was OK but for me represented just short term release.
Love and Light.