19, needing help and advice asap

Losing a parent
1

hi guys, i have no one to talk to about this so im posting it here… my anxiety is getting the worst of me and just need some advice

I’m nineteen years old, lost my mother in December a few days before Christmas.
a few days ago I found out my father was talking to another woman, he also accidentally messaged me instead of her and was quick to delete the message, he has been hiding it from me, and my whole family. I’m an only child and I’m finding it very lonely, the only person I have to talk to is my Auntie about family matters. My dad doesn’t know that i know about him talking to a woman.

I visited my Auntie a few days ago, and she was very upset/angry with my father, and asked me to keep it private, my father has isolated himself away from my mother’s side of the family like my auntie and grandad, he ignores my grandad’s calls, and ignores my Auntie’s texts and hasn’t text her in weeks, every time they invite him over he denies, and doesn’t invite them down to my house either. My auntie is upset by this as she feels ignored and wonders if shes done something wrong, she would like to see my mother’s urn in my house, but doesn’t want to invite herself over.

My dad NEVER talks about my mam anymore, and today has taken his wedding ring off, I dont understand how he can ignore her family, and proceed to talk to a woman just 5 months after her death. I feel conflicted, enraged and upset, I know i cant talk to my auntie about it because she will get very angry and may cause some problems, I feel like i have the whole world on my shoulders, im losing some hope. Im scared of bringing it up as me and my dad have always had a rocky relationship, and may get angry at me and cause problems…

I dont go to therapy because of a bad experience… i feel drained, some advice would be great, thank you

2

I am so sorry Wren and can understand how betrayed you must feel. Sadly I do think this is a documented behaviour, than some men seek to replace (not all) and many women grieve instead (and cannot face a new relationship).
Were there issues before her death, ie was she long term ill, and was her the carer?
Are there any local services you can call, your doctor may be able to recommend something.

All you can do is focus on keeping in touch with your auntie to support eachother in your grief journey, your dad has his own journey and we all behave differently to cope you see. I am sad for you that he is not able to support you, but I am glad you have your auntie there.

3

Hi Sophie thank you for your reply :pray:t3:

Yes, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 19 months before she passed. We were in the grieving stage then too.

I was always strong when she passed and had the decision with everything ie funeral, casket open or not, treatments etc, a lot of pressure was put on me from my father.

I feel betrayed and unsupported, and feel
Upset for my mother that she’s been ‘replaced or forgotten’
I wish I could talk to my auntie about it but I know it will cause some problems, as she’s very irritated with my dad, and she loved my mother very much (her sister) I’m just very stuck atm…

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4

I can completely understand that and it’s awful that that kind of pressure was put on you by him. I am angry for you because a parents job is to protect their child. Not put this level of pressure on them at a time of loss. Involve you yes, not push it all on to you.
All I can suggest is reach out to local charities, including Sue Ryder who offer some phone and video support. Talk to your doctor. Talk to your friends. Enjoy time with your auntie. Keep posting here . Bug hug from an internet stranger.

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