19mths still struggling

I lost my dad 19m ago, i was his only child. I was with him right to the end. Ive told everyone he went peacefully, but right at the end ( he had a massive stroke and nothing could be done) he juddered forward and made the most horrific noises. I pressed the nurse call button and then he died, it was horrific, i cant get this out of my mind. How do i deal with this?

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my mum was on EOL for five weeks and it was horrific, i was with her at the end and had to ask for pain relief. I see her when i close my eyes and see her in that state at random times.
I don’t know other than to replace those thoughts with the many many other good memories that you have, that one moment cannot eclipse the good life that you shared.

I still have flashbacks of my mum’s last moment nearly 8 months ago. I think it’s part of our brain healing trying to make sense of a traumatic event. Whenever I’m faced with triggers like anxiety or physical pain the flashbacks seems to have free reign and I feel enveloped by numbness and sadness. I think we need to recognize we may have PTSD and that it’s alright to talk about it. Keeping it from others and burying it deep is actually more taxing and interferes with the healing process. I hope you find some respite sharing your thoughts on this site.

I was with my dad when he died 3 years ago, he made this awful gasping noise with his final breaths, l don’t think he was conscious at this time. My mum died 4 months ago during the night unexpectedly in hospital so I wasn’t with her, it upsets me that she died alone with strangers, I keep thinking about this and hoping she didn’t suffer. xx