1st Anniversary of waking up as a widow ...

I have been so focussed on surviving the anniversary of the loss of my Husband that I totally underestimated the impact the anniversary of the first day of becoming a widow would have. No more being able to say “This time last year my Husband and I were doing this, etc …” It will just be me, alone. I woke today to the bleakest day of my life and I’m wrecked - it’s all so pointless. At least when it first happened you have the protection of the shock and some misguided notion that “forever” doesn’t really mean forever. Well today it certainly feels like “forever” is forever and I feel wretched. Sorry for my negativity.

Hello Tina19,
My warm thoughts are you, the sadness has multiplied because on that day you did speacial things together,so definately you will feel sad and down,thats part of grieving,its very hard to reply to you because no ammount of words will bring comfort to you ! But but on days when i feel like that I do sit some where alone especially in the bedroom and just talk to them as if they are there physically and i tell them how i feel,then after crying ofcourse i find myself feeling aluttle better.
People might say she is going nuts but only you know what can help you.

Hi Tina

This is Karen. We have posted and responded to each other before. I know the other day you were celebrating your Birthday. I have just come on site and saw your message. My heart goes out to you.

My thoughts are with you on your very sad and painful day. The first anniversary is so hard and of course your sadness, pain and hurt will be especially bad with memories intensifying. As they say, the first year is the most painful because you have all the ‘firsts’ to go through. Then, as you said, now you can’t say “this time last year” because you have gone through the first year. In some ways it is good that you have got through the first year though. I am dreading going through all the ‘firsts’ and am wishing my life away as I want to get through it but am only 3 months into my bereavement so have a long way to go yet. The weeks and months drag by so slowly.

As Ayishi2017 said, only you can know what helps you and you should do what helps you. When I lost my mum 9 years ago and her anniversary came, my friends and support all flooded in wanting to take me out and be with me. It was so lovely of them but I actually just wanted to be my myself and have a day remembering my mum and just having peace and quiet and getting through the day being as I wanted to be which was, of course, very very sad. I didn’t want to have to put a mask on. I ended up being with friends and putting on a brave face but with losing my partner and being back in bereavement again so soon, this time round I am more for putting myself first. I’m not going to do things to make others happy when it is making me miserable. I just think we have to do what feels right for US. We are the ones in this nightmare and suffering so we have to get through it the best way we can and if that means being alone - so be it.

Anyway, hang in there and I am thinking of you.

Thankyou you for spending your time on sending me a thoughtful reply, your words are quite true and appreciated. I see you wrote this quite early in the morning. That’s a horrible time to be awake and trying to make sense of things isn’t it. I hope today is kind to you, to us all and I wish you strength in dealing with your painful loss as well. Thank you again for replying.

Thank you Karen for taking the time to reply, yes I remember previously exchanging conversations with you. You have had a lot of pain yourself to deal with. How is it life can be just moving along normally and then it’s not and everything is totally changed forever. I know it’s the same for everyone but sometimes when people say “you are not alone” I feel like saying that “grieving” is the most “alone” experience you can face and yes, you are both right in saying only us ourselves will know what’s the right thing to get us through. Thanks again for replying and I wish you strength for what today brings.

Hi tina
I just wanted you to know i have read your post and wanted to let you know i am thinking of you today. Like karen i am only just a short way into this horrible world my partner passed away 30th june and i am dreading that date next year.
I still have the ‘firsts’ to get through and my family keep tentatively mentioning Christmas and my birthday, also in december. I just keep avoiding answering as i cant bear thinking of either of them right now. As you say we have to do what is right for us and not do things just tp please others and make them feel more comfortable. I feel very selfish at the moment and am speaking to people when I want and go to places I want to go. This doesn’t feel like me but it is the way I am now.
I teally get what you mean about feeling alone even when posting on here. For me the loneliness is by far the worst feeling and i am sick and tired of thinking what i can do to pass another hour. No one to talk to, share your day with and no one to give you a hug when you need one. I guess we all can understand this its just so bloody hard sometimes.
The last 3 and a half months have been the worst in my life without question and somedays I dont even know how I get through but we have no other choice and I know my partner would want me to go and enjoy life again but I feel like i will never be able to bo that.
Anyway just wanted you to know someone else cares and understands a little of what you are going through
Take care
Carol x

Thank you so much for your reply Carol. It was kind of you to reply. I’m sorry about your heartbreaking loss and sadness. The day after losing my Husband I went to stay with my Mum and brother even though I was 51 then. That was because I didn’t know many people but I have been unable to return even yet and therefore I’m 25 miles away from the home we shared, our way of life etc. Of course it’s meant that I have been spared the physical loneliness you yourself have been coping with but the emotional loneliness has been and remains overwhelming. We had no children and my adult step children send an email every blue moon asking how I am but never, ever reply back when I tell them. One thing that is wholly underestimated is how this changes you as a person. I don’t really like myself anymore. I’m a stranger to myself. I have not been gracious as a griever, I have been selfish, pre-occupied and distant. I won’t go on any further but once again I do thank you for writing as I have followed your posts along with a few others and know you have been so distressed yourself. You are right about not knowing sometimes how to get through the next 24 hours, somehow we do although many times for me it’s not been by choice. Take care Carol. Compassionate thoughts and warmest wishes to you