Forever 31
21st of July is the date to remind me that i have survived 2 years without James. It seems unbelievable that i have made it because i truly believed that i would never survive the unimaginable pain of losing him.
When James died i was haunted by the guilt knowing that i failed to protect him.
The pain i felt took my breath away and i spent months in complete confusion as i struggled to understand what had happened. All i was able to focus on was breathing through the next minute. There was simply no description for the sorrow i felt knowing that i would never see my James again.
I have completely changed as a person. A person that i struggled to recognise for a long time. The new me is more familiar now. I like her.
This horrific experience has reshaped my life and i accept that this journey of grief is now part of me and my life will continue with a new normal.
I cannot allow my life to be consumed
with death, my life can still have meaning and purpose.
I will still smile
I will still cry
I will still love and i will always remember.
Losing my beautiful James will always be the most painful thing that i will ever experience. The past 2 years was also an unexpected time of personal growth. Very slowly i am now able to to appreciate my life and the people who love me.
My greatest gift is learning to love myself and grant myself forgiveness.
I think James would be so proud of me.
Feeling hope and happiness for the first time is like feeling the sun on your face, your toes in the sand and the sound of your own laughter.
Feeling joy no longer feels like a betrayal. Its such an honour to celebrate James,s life.
Its proof that my heart although broken still continues to work.
Thank you for my strength James.
Always your Mum xxx
