24 years of grief!!!

My mom died 24 years ago, I was 19 at the time and it was the day before my oldest brothers wedding. She was so excited that her first born was getting married.

She collapsed on her own and died 4 days later, although she never really came back from the collapse.

Massive stroke they said, no response they suggested we turn the life support off as there was no response. She was 51!

Worst day/time of my life. My mom was my best friend, I relied on her for everything but I always had a strange thought she was borrowed to me, that I would not have her forever. How true that was?

She missed my brothers wedding but she would not have wanted it to be cancelled. I felt for my brother…what a shit wedding and now anniversary every year!!!

The day we switched the machine off was the day I moved in with the lad I was seeing…when i turned up at his house st 5am crying distraught saying she had died he said 'you can stay as long as you want…I was there 6 years until it all went wrong. He was the love of my life. I burried my sadness in the happiness of my relationship. He had also lost his mom so knew how I felt and what I was going through. I could cry openly and he got it!

Sadly the relationship ended, mainly down to me, and while I wanted to stay friends he said he could not cope with this so the last day I seen him happened to be my mom’s birthday in 1999. I lost him too.

I then moved to another town and met someone new 3 months later.

I have been with this guy for 19 years now, married and 2 children later (16 and 8 year old). However I have just had a realisation i am emotionally stunted and my relationship is suffering which i think is due to the loss of my mom.

She was my world, and since losing her I have been ‘independent, I don’t need anyone’ even my husband. I don’t let him in. And I have realised it is because I don’t want to get hurt again like I did when my mom died or when I lost my fella shortly afterwards. Solution don’t let my husband in, he still has both parents and both grandparents (jealous of this and what would he know about how I feel) I won’t get hurt when he leaves. But in meantime I can not show any emotions towards him. I push him away all the time… ‘I am independent!’

I still have a strong link to the lad I was seeing at the time my mom died…cannot seem to get over him. Is this because of my mom and the time of our relationship and that he knew what I went through??

Any clues on how-to fix my emotional issues as I do really love him, just struggle to let my guard down. He is wonderful to me but I lack emotional side of our relationship. We are like housemates as I keep my guard up all the time. Help…it may be the start of the end of my marriage. I want to save it but don’t know how??? Anyone been through this after so long??? Sorry for long message. X

Hello Loulou27,

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your mum when you were only 19 and have been struggling with your emotions recently. It’s more common than you might think to be feeling this way some years after a significant loss. Many people in this community talk about how you don’t necessarily ‘get over’ your grief, but adjust to a new normal. Certain events or dates can also continue to trigger intense emotions.

Others in this community may be able to share advice on how they cope, but in the meantime you might find it helpful to have an explore of the conversations in the Losing a Parent category. We also have an article on our website that may be worth a read through:

https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/someone-close-to-me-has-died/advice-and-support/how-long-does-grief-last

Take care,
Eleanor