3 month of grief not coping

Dear Bear22

I did not loose my husband but Covid but understand your comments regarding the news headlines. I sit and shout at the TV what about those of us who have lost someone.

Family and friends try to be supportive but as you say they cannot really understand the pain we are going through.

Take care

1 Like

My husband died from terminal cancer his treatment was put on hold on 18th November we just had weekly visits from nurses I am bitter for the treatment he received or didn’t receive I want to be strong and not let him down by being this crazy woman sitting in her dressing gown all day looking out the window waiting for the clock to say bed time

1 Like

I feel the same way and what sort of light at the end of the tunnel is there for us?
We had so much to look forward to, but Covid has destroyed my life too just 11 weeks ago.
Can’t cope with the thought that all I have in front of me is a future alone.

1 Like

I feel like I can’t do the things I did before I don’t watch our programmes I don’t put music on I need to cancel our holiday but can’t do it . I feel guilty for being here

1 Like

I’m the same I lust my partner 8 weeks ago tomorrow and I think it’s all a bad dream and I will wake up from it but I don’t, I try to make myself do 1 thing daily that we used to do be it watch a program or take a certain route to feel like I’m
Progressing and remembering good times xx some days it helps other days I just end up sobbing xx

1 Like

Yesterday was 12 weeks since I held my darlings hand as he took his last breath. 12 weeks since he died but 4 months ago that he left our home in an ambulance with Covid.

I am having more and more uncontrollable meltdowns.
The what ifs and guilt are destroying me.

We were selling the house and downsizing to move nearer to family, just before he caught Covid and I’ve let the sale go through.
As we now approach the completion it’s hit me like a ton of bricks he’s not coming with me this time!

I don’t want to be in this house without him but I am dreading the day I leave here.
I am scared about the future without him and breaking my heart to think he won’t know or be a part of the new house.

I am consumed with guilt that I wasn’t kinder or more loving towards him in the past 2 years as financial worries got in the way. He adored me and I know I will never be loved again as he loved me.
I was always the one to sort our problems out and now I just feel weak and incapable.
He was the reason I was strong.
He was the romantic and I just wish I’d told him more how much I loved him.
31 years together and I didn’t ever think when he went out the door he wouldn’t be coming back.
I don’t know how to be strong and come through this all consuming pain without him.

I’m rambling sorry!

I just miss my soul mate and pray he hears me telling him I’m sorry and live him dearly.

5 Likes

Your story is exactly mine 12 weeks since my husband went out the door to ambulance not thinking he wasn’t coming back never even walked him to ambulance so I also have guilt and about stupid things before Covid happened I do think this is part of grieving but it is destroying me, yesterday was another one of my really bad days we were robbed of time together we both had just turned 60 years old I really don’t know how to go on without him 🥲

1 Like

Your stories mirror mine.Even though my husband knew he was not going to recover from his cancer he didn’t know he would never come home the night he went into hospital …he was supposed to come home the day he died.I feel so guilty about that that he was alone I should have been there holding his hand so now I have to cope with moving in to a new house with no memories everything is happening to quick I am not ready Usually I am strong but I have nothing in me now I am just a shell

I know how you feel I am sat wondering wether to move house but going to give myself some more time to think as my emotions are everywhere the guilt you are feeling seems to be what we all have to through I don’t know if it gets better when we go through this tunnel we are in but the pain is unbearable and I do feel better talking about it to others that know how I feel and have experienced it I think counselling will be good for me but there is none at the moment 🥲

I am always here if you need someone to talk to I am waiting counselling but find it easier writing things down I can’t say the words outloud

Bear and Kathie
This life now is unbearable.
I sought help from my doctor and counselling as my emotions scared me.
All I got was a prescription for anti depressants and a counsellor asking me how I was feeling, be kind to myself and give myself time!
I didn’t take the tablets and didn’t bother with the counselling again.!!
I believe we have to go it alone and learn to cope ourselves.
There is nothing anyone can say or do for us that is going to magically ease our pain and loneliness.
It does help to vent our feelings on here to others experiencing the same loss and heartache but it won’t provide a cure.
I’ve noticed family and friends backing off as they get on ,quite rightly ,with their own lives. They cannot comprehend that a loss of a partner is different to losing a mum, dad or sibling and I have experienced all three.
You have just spent however many years, in my case 31, going to bed and waking with your partner beside you. Working together through good and bad times, building memories. You don’t do that to the same extent with family.
Until they experience this loss and I don’t wish it for them , they have no idea the terrible impact it will have on them.
Not being negative just realistic.

When I feel the need I post on here and it seems to calm me for a while.
I suppose it makes me realise others out there are going through the same emotions and I’m not being a drama queen.
At the moment I’m scared, lonely and oddly no longer afraid of dying. I would never do anything stupid but I now look on my death as a release from this living hell when it does come.
Until then I will go on and keep trying to achieve some form of acceptance that my life will never be the same again.
God I loved the bones of that man.xx

6 Likes

I agree with this. Fundementally their life hasn’t changed. They are grieving and incredibly sad but they haven’t lost their future. When they go to bed at night it’s the same as it always has been. They don’t walk into the house abs notice a gaping space.

2 Likes

I agree totally. Every part of our life has changed and we didn’t want it to.

The loneliness of preparing a meal and then sitting at an empty table to eat, if I can be bothered, is heart wrenching.
Delaying going to bed because you know the tears will flow again.
When you finally do sleep you wake at a ridiculous hour and realise another day has dawned that you will spend alone.
Going shopping or walking the dogs with no one beside you.
But I try to tell myself it shows I have survived another day and so it goes on.

This is my life now at 67 years old and one day ,who knows , I may come to accept that I was lucky to have had the love of a good man and it will bring me some peace. At the moment just 12 weeks down the line nothing is helping.
Some people have never known that kind of love and so I must have been lucky.

I truly feel for everyone going through this grief, as until you have experienced it , you can have no true comprehension of the pain involved.

It’s true what they say, deep grief comes from a deep love .
Virtual hugs everyone.xx

Hello Tomtom

I totally agree with your post, I too have lost an 18 year old son, 57 year old younger brother and parents.

If man made chemicals, ie pills and counselling help anyone then good luck to them, it’s their existance their choice.

I will never kid or brainwash myself. Every one has to deal with this devastating situation the way they see fit and if whatever helps them then that’s good as far as they are concerned.

There is only one thing that I am looking forward to and there are no prizes for guessing.

B

Dear Tomtom

The birth of a new grandson and no husband to share the good news and my husband’s approaching birthday have pushed me over the edge. I have contacted Cruse and have a call booked in. I hope it does help but realistically I do think it will be a case of me doing it alone.

I was with my husband 42 years and married 38. During that time have lost my dad and mother-in-law. Like you say the experience is totally different. I will never get over my husband’s loss and the way in which he died. I loved my husband and he was all I needed or wanted. I cannot live my life through my kids and do not want to burden them.

Not sure how I am going to navigate this path but can only try.

Take care all.

1 Like

Sheila26

I really hope Cruse can help you as I know for some people counselling is the way to go and it can put you on the right path .
There are so many people on here that have found counselling is the only thing that has saved them from totally going beyond the edge.
I sincerely hope that’s the case for you.

It just didn’t work for me but to be honest I don’t know what would.
I just talk to him most of the day and night ,to say all the things I wished I’d said when he was alive.

I have to believe he can hear me and I believe in my heart he can. There has to be something more when we die, as such profound love cannot just end.

Like you ,I don’t wish to burden family or friends and to be honest ,as I’ve said before, unless you’ve experienced the loss of your partner you cannot comprehend our grief.

May you find some peace in your counselling session.xx

2 Likes

Dear Tomtom

I will give it a go. I think just having someone to talk to will perhaps help. There are things I want to say that I cannot post on this forum as I understand it is public.

I write emails to my husband most days, telling him how much I love him, need him and miss him. He was not ill, he was so happy that we had our little grandson and dedicated his time every day to going to see him - he just decided that one day to go out on his motorbike and the whole family’s world came to an end. I know that I will never get over the way he was taken - I so hated the motorbike before and there are no words to describe how I feel about it now. I don’t think any form of counselling will resolve the anger that I feel regarding this aspect.

I read that you lost your husband to Covid and I am so sorry. This dreadful virus has shattered so many lives.

I will be thinking of you and your daughter. Take care.
Sheila

2 Likes

Hi Bear22 Yes everyday is different different emotions. What with this virus situation too! not easy ah! We are all going through different feelings and I am sure for a very long time. Its two years for me and I still feel alone. Weekends are the worse for me. I do a lot of baking so thats what keeps me going. The only good thing that has come out of this virus situation is I have got to know my neighbours as I live in a flat. They get my baking which they love and are getting very fat! I am lucky to have such nice neighbours. Since Mick died I have had so many problems medically a lot brought on my stress so I am told. I was never ill before. Keep your Immune system stromg as it really helps as I have found out. You wouldnt believe what I have been through over the past 2 years and have had to cope on my own .Friends say I am very strong and brave but inwards I crumble. Keep messaging espcially on those low times. Keep safe Sue

1 Like

We were planning to got vaccinated together the day before she’s gone. I thought there’s light in the end and the pandemic would be behind us. Then we looked forward to travel again which we loved to do.
My wife and I were doing voluntary work to help people preventing COVID before she passed. Turns out now I’m the one who need help most. But there isn’t any. How ironic.

3 Likes
Back to top