Yesterday was 12 weeks since I held my darlings hand as he took his last breath. 12 weeks since he died but 4 months ago that he left our home in an ambulance with Covid.
I am having more and more uncontrollable meltdowns.
The what ifs and guilt are destroying me.
We were selling the house and downsizing to move nearer to family, just before he caught Covid and I’ve let the sale go through.
As we now approach the completion it’s hit me like a ton of bricks he’s not coming with me this time!
I don’t want to be in this house without him but I am dreading the day I leave here.
I am scared about the future without him and breaking my heart to think he won’t know or be a part of the new house.
I am consumed with guilt that I wasn’t kinder or more loving towards him in the past 2 years as financial worries got in the way. He adored me and I know I will never be loved again as he loved me.
I was always the one to sort our problems out and now I just feel weak and incapable.
He was the reason I was strong.
He was the romantic and I just wish I’d told him more how much I loved him.
31 years together and I didn’t ever think when he went out the door he wouldn’t be coming back.
I don’t know how to be strong and come through this all consuming pain without him.
I’m rambling sorry!
I just miss my soul mate and pray he hears me telling him I’m sorry and live him dearly.