31 Months Without You

Although I joined this site quite a while ago, after losing the love of my life…I haven’t posted often…or regularly.

Initially it was simply too painful to put my loss into words. Then, as the months passed I felt it would be a negative thing to tell the newly bereaved that their pain will get worse…that there is no magic
time-frame for ‘healing’…that the only thing time bestows upon a broken heart… is scar tissue…

Now that two and a half years have dragged past…I have come to understand that our grief is as diverse and personal a journey as our relationship with our lost love was.

I miss my Geoff more with each passing day, week, month, year…because it is now a sickening and harsh reality that he is truly gone…and so long since I saw his smile or heard his voice or felt his love,

I wrote this poem recently and, although it is a personal account of my feelings…I hope that the feelings will resonate with others who now feel alone in this life…for those whose world is now lived in monochrome…

ME AND YOU

Me and you
And you and me
It’s how we loved
Our lives to be

Inseparable
Until that day
You closed your eyes
And slipped away

No more us
No longer we
Just emptiness
Where love should be

Do you hear?
Can you still see
I’ve tried to make
You proud of me?

Vulnerable
I’m unprepared
Appearing strong
Whilst running scared

Take my hand
And dry my tears
Alleviate
My endless fears

Laugh with me
And make me whole
I crave your love
To feed my soul

Make me safe
And hold me tight
Renew my strength
Each lonely night

Can’t accept
Despite my pain
I’ll never touch
Your face again

Feeling lost
In all I do
Because you took
My life with you

I would give
My world you see
For one more day
Of you and me

36 Likes

thank you for sharing your poem, it is 22 months since I lost my wife Lesley and your words describe how I feel better than I could explain.

5 Likes

Thank you for sharing your lovely poem it sums up how so many of us feel. It is exactly how I feel and like you still can’t take it in my husband won’t be coming back either. The pain just never goes away some days I’m ok then bang it returns again the empty feeling.
We help each other in our grief xx

5 Likes

@Solitaire hi that poem is beautiful and so touching. I feel every word you have written. It will soon be 14 months for me since I lost my soulmate. Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs x

1 Like

@Ian10…Ian I am so sorry you have lost your Lesley.
The world seems such a cold place when your soulmate no longer has your back.

I have no answers to dealing with our grief and loss…
All I can do …is hope that the pain .will be diluted by sharing it…

Hugs
Sam

4 Likes

@Ang1949…I’m so sorry we have this sadness in common…I wish you some peace of heart…and precious memories…

Hugs
Sam

1 Like

@Casey1…Thank you for your reply…
.
I’m sorry that you can identify with my words…because that means you also live with such pain…

There are so many of us struggling to make sense of our new realities…trying to be a whole, when half of us is missing…

Hugs
Sam

2 Likes

Thank you for your message Sam, I think it’s the emptiness, missing all the small things we used to share and having someone to talk to, share your day with. We were making plans for when I retired, what we were going to do, planning trips in our touring caravan etc. I should have retired but have continued working, it’s a distraction, something to get up for. I find myself crying at silly things out of the blue, I have a son who lives locally who has been very supportive but he has lost his Mum and doesn’t need to know how lonely it can be, he has his own family to worry about. Its not like me to share my feelings but knowing I am not alone helps.

5 Likes

@Ian10…I get it! Sometimes it seems too huge a loss to accept.
It’s only when you go through this particular loss that you can truly understand the enormity of it.

I’d already lost all my blood family…some at a young age…,I thought I totally understood loss and grief…

Truth is I had no idea that losing parents and siblings, as painful as that was…bore no resemblance to the devastation of the loss of my Geoff…

I too keep ‘busy’…l am basically a functioning shell. I meet with friends, I engage in conversations, sometimes I even laugh…but I feel like an actor in a play.

A life without joy …without belonging…feels very hollow…I find I’m enduring, not living.

Hugs
Sam

4 Likes

Hi Solitaire,
Thank you so much for posting today, your poem is exactly how I feel and so many of us on this site.
Woke up this morning with a heavy heart as the sun was shining and memories flooded back of what Pete and I would be planning for the day…usually gardening and then a trip to the seaside in the afternoon till the evening. Such a simple life but lovely. So now I look out of the window and tell myself I must tidy up the garden but it all seems a bit pointless, I am a few months longer than you with my loss and still feel numb with at all,
There are moments when I think I’m coping with it but then somebody makes a hurtful remark or I seem to see couples every where and unaware of what will hit one of them one day. I used to be one of those people.
I am sorry for your loss and are glad that you have posted again.
My kindest thoughts to you and every one on this tiresome journey
Love Jenny x

3 Likes

@Kingfisher…Thanks Jenny…you summed it up perfectly, it all seems so pointless !

I’ve pushed myself to do many practical jobs around the place that Geoff would have done. Initially I feel a sense of achievement, inasmuch as I’ve refused to feel overwhelmed by them…

But then it hits me that I am (unintentionally) waiting for Geoff to come home and be impressed…
…or not lol!

Sam x

Dear Solitaire, I too have not posted very often as it seemed too cruel to share the feeling that nothing gets better…
Your poem has made me cry, as it resonates
so strongly with the longing and despair I feel after fifteen months…Your words are beautiful…
Big hug…

1 Like

@Beetango…I’m starting to feel relieved that I shared my ongoing pain…

Although those of us further into the mire of grief have no wish to exacerbate the confusion and desperation of the recently bereaved…

Maybe we owe it to ourselves…and each other… to open up about our feelings of despair. We already know that we are expected to ‘get over’ or ‘get on with’ our lives. It generally makes people not in our situation uncomfortable to be faced with our truth.

Society would have us feel that we are ‘failing’ this test of loss…they will eagerly prescribe drugs to overcome these ‘prolonged’ reactions!

If I’m honest regarding my disappointment at waking each morning to the same gut-wrenching realisation of Geoffs continued absence from my life…I am NOT suicidal…

I am the true face of losing my soulmate!

Just as we frantically reached out to be heard in those first days/weeks/months…maybe we need to be honest with each other …

We are not failing societies grief test…

Grieving has no expiration date…

Hugs xxxx

2 Likes

Solitaire, your poem is lovely and says so much about how so many people are feeling on this site. I wish we could do something to take some of the pain away we feel - I lost my husband only 3 weeks ago but I think I will still be feeling like you do now even 1 2 3 years down the line and that is so upsetting and devastating even. I keep thinking how do people carry on day after day for years feeling like this, like your heart has been smashed to bits and then you’re just functioning on autopilot to get you through but convinced you’ll never be happy again. I miss every little thing, every daily routine we had even the boring stuff and the nights are terrible, it’s like living half a life or no life. Sorry to be so negative and miserable but it’s how I feel. Sending a hug :heart:

3 Likes

Oh Jan

Don’t ever apologise for your grief!

As I said I was concerned that the newly bereaved…like yourself…may find my ongoing heartache after over two years, devastating.

But that’s the point! Losing the love of our life IS devastating! There are so many areas of our lives where we have to put on a brave face, and this is especially so as time progresses. So it’s a relief to be able to admit the unpalatable truth!

People who haven’t suffered this horrendous loss seem to feel there is a ‘time limit’ on grief…I’m here to attest to the fact that this is so obviously untrue.

I am so sorry for your loss…I’m sorry all of us have arrived here…

Hugs
Sam xxxx

4 Likes

It’s heartbreaking what we all are going through,I’m sorry for your loss. I had my wife’s funeral yesterday , I’m devastated and totally lost without her,the days are so long.We been together 28 years,had no children and done everything together, I’m only 52 and I just can’t see a life for me……I miss her so very much….I have very little support and because I’m off work ( and don’t really know if I’ll ever go back)…the days I find are just awful. I am utterly lost,I feel I don’t have a purpose anymore.I’m really struggling and l I just can’t see it getting any easier in time.She was the love of my life.

3 Likes

Donant, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I could say it will get better in time but I lost my wife 22 months ago and still struggle to accept life on my own. We too used to do everything together - we were a team, soulmates for over 35 years. I should have retired earlier this year but what would I do? You need to take time to grieve, there is no simple answer, you will feel at times things are getting better then out of the blue you find yourself crying over the silliest thing. This is normal, you have lost the centre of your world and it is hard. People expect us to be sad and upset for a period and we put on a front to show we are coping and moving on with our lives but behind closed doors it is oh so different, the evenings drag by, weekends are even worse. I am a typical male keeping my feelings under wraps not really sharing how I really feel until I found this website. Reading other peoples stories, finding out that I am not alone in feeling the way I do is helping me cope.
Hugs to all
Ian

3 Likes

@Donant…I unfortunately have no magic solution to your loss…all I can do is say I understand.

The big difference is…that when a surviving partner on here says that…they truly DO understand!

I feel especially for you and Ian @Ian10…I’ve often wondered how Geoff would have coped if the situation were reversed. I realise that men are (generally speaking) discouraged from showing overt emotions too readily…

However…those old cliched definitions of men ‘coping’ …surely go out of the window when half of you goes…

So I am relieved that there are men reading and replying on here, and being brave enough to reach out to others.

I must just add that…in my altruistic moments I am thankful that Geoff has not had to face this…
In my less unselfish times…I’ve given him hell for leaving me to face this! :frowning:

Sam xx

3 Likes

Hi solitaire. Your poem is beautiful but hurts so much. My husband was a carer for me with my mental health problems and I was a full time carer for Rob with his disabilities. We both supported each other and now without his support I am struggling to cope. I’ve not worked for many years and am in medication but can’t get the support I need from anywhere. Rob has been gone 17 months and I feel.life is not worth living. I have found some support through a church and the rector there but am so afraid of talking to people it is only through email. I have started going to church regularly as I once used to years ago but sir alone and leave as soon as the service is over.I care for my mum who has dementia and go there everyday but it is so hard to act upbeat when I feel so cut up on the inside. I have to force myself to go so as to make sure she has eaten and to put her medication out for the following day. She relies on me which makes suicide a difficult option but one I still think and plan about. I can understand how everyone feels on this site and it’s my first time of posting. I hope to find some help from all your experiences and the way you put your feelings into words. I can’t accept Rob has gone and Crude have told me they can’t help unless I make changes. I’ve only just put Robs toothbrush in a drawer. I’m not sure.how to carry on. As you all day it doesn’t get any easier but harder and harder. What is the point in anything. There is no future without Rob and I don’t want one. Please keep.posting everyone.

1 Like

@Angie26…Oh Angie…I can feel your pain! Although you and Rob had your individual difficulties…you had each other to lean on. It’s so hard when you are the one left to deal with not only your own mental health, but also your mums dementia.

That’s so brave of you to have started going to church…although you are finding it hard to communicate with others, at least you are putting yourself in a situation where there is always the possibility to let others in.

I have no answers to this pain we are all experiencing…but I have learned to accept that isolating myself is not the answer. Even now when I push myself to meet up with a friend… I find I still feel lost and alone when in their company.

So, much like you, I am still stumbling through this strange existence with half of me missing.

Keep talking and posting Angie…at least it gives us an outlet to acknowledge and share our loss.

Hugs
Sam xx

2 Likes