38 years old, 25 weeks pregnant, widow.

The title says it all.

I let him sleep in after a rough few nights of insomnia and while I thought he was really sleeping the day away I didn’t want to disturb him. When I went to check on him and tell him food was coming.
.he was gone. I screamed. I begged. I tried CPR and called 000. I knew in my heart he was gone. I blame myself for not checking on him earlier. I blame myself for our life shattering.

I was 23 weeks pregnant withour miracle baby. We conceived her naturally after 3 failed rounds of IVF. High risk pregnancy and I have been so sick through it. He took care of me. He was so excited to be a daddy. He was so excited to meet her and so positive that this was “our time” and “our chance” after so many tests and surgeries and troubles. I was the worrier. He was the positive and calm voice of reason. My beloved INFP.

We met later in life and were so stupidly and deliriously happy. Together for 4 years and 2 months. Married for 3 years and just over 2 months of those. We are soulmates . He is my everything. I can’t feel excitement for the baby now. Instead I feel trapped here by our two big puppies and the baby…our beautiful and happy life that brought me every joy and grateful feeling just 15 days ago is now my cage of responsibility and duty.

I would give anything and everything to have him back. To turn back time and treasure each moment doubly so. I ache. I breathe agony. Memories of him feel as insubstantial as smoke since he is gone and I can’t see and touch him. I used to have a panic attack waking up and remembering he was dead. Now I wake up knowing that I am living my worst nightmare. Time slipped by so quickly with him that it never felt like we would have enough time. Now the time ahead of me without him looks so long…too long. I don’t want to be here.

I have professional counselling but it isn’t helping me. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me or could happen to me. You don’t get a do-over with such a wonderful man. You don’t just move on to find that sort of love again…it was a miracle to find it the first time. I am alone and the life I loved and was grateful for 15 days ago is gone…replaced with hell. I just want to wake up.

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Hi @Belangalo I am so sorry to read your heartbreaking story. I really can’t imagine what you’ve been through and what you are continuing to deal with.

I can see that you’re in Australia - although we aren’t able to confidently signpost to support services that are closer to home for you, you may be able to find and access some support on/through the Befrienders Worldwide website. You deserve to find the right care and support, @Belangalo.

Just being a part of this community of people who have all experienced loss in some way or another can be a huge comfort. Thank you for bravely starting this thread - please keep posting and reaching out, and I hope you will find support.

Take care,

Susannah
Online Community team

Dear Belangalo
My heart goes out to you, you poor lassie, what a horrible way to lose your love.
I’m now 8 months gone from losing my husband to covid & I won’t lie to you, it is not easy to breathe in & out every day, in what seems a desperate & pointless existence.
But you do it. Every day you do it, I know that feeling of trapped. If it wasn’t for my family I would have given up.
You have a baby coming that is half of your wonderful loving husband. It will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but holding that child when he/she is born will give you back a part of him that will live on.
Please keep talking. Keep posting, this forum is full of people who have & still are suffering. But here you will also find hope & some practical advice to help you on this incredibly hard journey. A miracle baby needs a miracle mum to tell the story of your life with your love. I wish you strength, please take care of yourself & your wee miracle.
Maigret xxx

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MY heart goes out to you ,and your baby ,the thing i have learned ,Is when it first happens very one say they are there for you but there not if the true is known ,i feel so angry inside that i cant hold her ,and you mist be feeling the same ,it is a very lonely life i feel like the only person on the planet right know ,you stay strong and take care ,

Oh Belangalo
Your story is truly the worst. Your baby will keep you going as you feel it kicking inside you. What a hard journey you have in front of you but you have to keep going through it for the sake of your husbands child. Keep posting and you will get the support you need from this community of people who know the hurt you are feeling. We all know the pain.

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