The title says it all.
I let him sleep in after a rough few nights of insomnia and while I thought he was really sleeping the day away I didn’t want to disturb him. When I went to check on him and tell him food was coming.
.he was gone. I screamed. I begged. I tried CPR and called 000. I knew in my heart he was gone. I blame myself for not checking on him earlier. I blame myself for our life shattering.
I was 23 weeks pregnant withour miracle baby. We conceived her naturally after 3 failed rounds of IVF. High risk pregnancy and I have been so sick through it. He took care of me. He was so excited to be a daddy. He was so excited to meet her and so positive that this was “our time” and “our chance” after so many tests and surgeries and troubles. I was the worrier. He was the positive and calm voice of reason. My beloved INFP.
We met later in life and were so stupidly and deliriously happy. Together for 4 years and 2 months. Married for 3 years and just over 2 months of those. We are soulmates . He is my everything. I can’t feel excitement for the baby now. Instead I feel trapped here by our two big puppies and the baby…our beautiful and happy life that brought me every joy and grateful feeling just 15 days ago is now my cage of responsibility and duty.
I would give anything and everything to have him back. To turn back time and treasure each moment doubly so. I ache. I breathe agony. Memories of him feel as insubstantial as smoke since he is gone and I can’t see and touch him. I used to have a panic attack waking up and remembering he was dead. Now I wake up knowing that I am living my worst nightmare. Time slipped by so quickly with him that it never felt like we would have enough time. Now the time ahead of me without him looks so long…too long. I don’t want to be here.
I have professional counselling but it isn’t helping me. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me or could happen to me. You don’t get a do-over with such a wonderful man. You don’t just move on to find that sort of love again…it was a miracle to find it the first time. I am alone and the life I loved and was grateful for 15 days ago is gone…replaced with hell. I just want to wake up.