Why is it always 3am? But I’ve got fed up of lying there with my mind wandering, so I thought a bit of musing on here might help a bit. I’ve been on my own now for 3 years, life is good again, but I never forget those dark days on my journey. I’ve always been positive, telling myself “I can get through this!!!” There have been dreadfully tough times, and I’ve been recollecting them.
Fairly early on, I had decided that it would be nice to make the most of opportunities when they presented themselves. One of the things I told myself was that whenever I was out doing mundane things like shopping, Id take the opportunity of popping into a cafe and have a bite to eat, especially if the weather was nice, and there were tables outside. I would just try to talk to people, otherwise I might lose the power of speech 
. I well remember sitting there the first couple of times , suddenly being drowned by harmful thoughts about the empty chair, then looking around and idly thinking “Where’s she got to?” I’d never been as sad and lonely. The good news is that I am incredibly fortunate to share my life with two amazing little dogs, Rosie and Crumpet, who are past masters at chatting up complete strangers. Very few people can resist giving them a pat and asking what their names are, so conversations start. I learnt that not only me wants to chat! I decided to keep doing it, ate lots of cake, put on weight, and joined Slimming World. Over the weeks, it’s become a regular happy experience.
I had also decided that I wanted to go to the places we went to on holiday, and try to remember the happy days. We very often went to Northumberland, so I booked a cottage. One of her highlights was to go to a Sunday market on the quayside at Amble, so I finished up there. I’ll never forget walking along there again, almost shaking with emotion, thinking “This was a big mistake, I can’t do it!!!”. I wanted to run away!. But gradually it eased, and I had some fabulous fish and chips in an Al Fresco fish restaurant, watching some trawlers unloading. I then went to a secluded beach and played “Annies Song” to her on my flute. My performance was terrible, its difficult enough to play, but VERY difficult when tears drip into the valves, but nobody was about. The day after I went to Cragside and drove my car into fence. I really missed her support when I did that, even if all she did was to call me a blithering idiot!
There are lots of other occasions I felt abjectly sad, lonely, and in total despair, but after the first year or so, they gradually disappeared as my new life took shape. I now smile when I think of her, on odd occasions it might be a bit of a teary smile. There are still sad times, and I miss her constantly, but my life is happy again, just different. My flute playing is much better, and I’ve lost weight, and I’ve got another car 
In a couple of weeks I’ll be back up in Northumberland. but I won’t be fearing anything, I’ll probably find myself back on the quayside in Amble, but pretty happy this time, looking forward to my fish and chips.
So maybe the message from my musings is that however dark, terrifying and pointless it seems to us when we start our journey, it really does heal. The timescales may be different for us, but being brave and positive will help you through it quicker.
Never forget what Pooh said:
“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
PS. Big decision time for me. Go back to bed, or have an early breakfast?
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