4 years on from losing my mum

I’m writing this with the hope that releasing the mental load will help.
I lost my mum in 2020 and a week later I found out I was pregnant with my little girl (a blessing I like to see it as) my mum never knew that I was pregnant. Because of this, I couldn’t really grieve as I was focusing on growing the baby and then when the baby was born trying to navigate motherhood without your own mum I struggled.
Fast forward 2 years almost 3 and I’ve just had my second baby. This time I feel like I’m struggling more than I have done? I have so much anger inside, more than I did when I was pregnant the first time. I feel like my brain has altered too? I’m more Introverted than I ever have been. I have always been so confident and extrovert and now I would happily sit at home all day rather than go out and mix with people. I am also very OCD, I think it stems from having to tidy and clean the house when my mum was I’ll so she didn’t get poorly. Now I’m 20x worse with everything being in its own place, everything has to be spot on how I like it otherwise it triggers me? And I get really stressed and over stimulated and I don’t know why? Anything little over stimulates me too. My partner irritates me and he hasn’t done anything wrong? It’s like I resent him and I’m so bitter but why? Please someone help and explain why I’m feeling this way nearly 4 years on.
It’s Mother’s Day today and I feel numb, even though I’m a mum to 2 babies I don’t want to celebrate I just want to sit in a quiet room alone on my own…

Hello @Alexx ,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds as though things are incredibly difficult for you at the moment. You are grieving and raising babies and this will be a continuous roller coaster of emotions for you. Maybe now is the time to reach out for some support for you.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share these links with you to help you with your grief.

You might already be familiar with our other Online Bereavement Support services, but if not, you can find out more about our Online Counselling service, our Grief Coach text support service, and our Grief Guide self-help tools by visiting the link.

You may also find this Sue Ryder article of use, take a read when you feel ready. How long does grief last? Talks through the timeline of grief, from hours to years.

Take care - keep reaching out,


I hope you’re feeling ok, sounds like you’ve been so busy looking after your babies you’ve been left with hardly anytime to grieve. Have you considered putting your name down for some counselling? It provides you with a safe environment for talking about all your emotions with no judgement attached. The upturn in your ocd sounds like your only way of controlling what’s going on for you….I sometimes find my feelings of lack of control show up in a similar way in my workplace, by organising my environment I “feel better”.x

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