5 months on and still devastated

Its been 5 months since my beautiful Julie was taken from me . She was diagnosed 5 years ago with CLL she carried on working and taking care of her family .3 years ago she needed treatment. If she went on a trial there were three options but it was a lucky dip which she got ,poor Julie drew the short straw (in my opinion) and got the chemotherapy, the traditional one. The one that was supposed to save her cured the. CLL temporarily but added a more dangerous complication MDS which ment she would need a bone marrow transplant.All this time she was a loving and supporting wife. It was a 50/50 chance of life. I always recall the morning she left her home for the last time in her zip jeans and converse boots she was so very brave for the transplant. After 11 weeks of slowly getting worse and worse . Towards the end she said I’m never coming home am I? we were allowed to see her for the first time . What have I done ?I promised I wouldn’t let her die in hospital and I did.
I cry ever day still streaming tears writing this.she was the kindest most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and she was so easy to love my JULIE.
Each day without her is a torture full of what ifs

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Rich, it’s 6 months since I lost my husband and I still cry every day, people say it gets better I hope it does. I am so sorry you couldn’t have Julie at home with you at the end but she knew how much you loved her and always will.
Take care x

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So sorry su2 for your loss I cant imagine things will ever get better when your reason for living as gone.I have my daughter who changed her plans to become pregnant earlier than planned so Julie knew she was going to be a grandmother . My daughter and son in law are a great support but when they go home I’m alone again. I do hope you have lots of support from family and friends thank you xx

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I have a fantastic son and daughter in law I am so lucky to have two beautiful grandchildren who adored their Gramps they are all great support, but like you when they go home the loneliness hits you. The evenings are the worse, especially now it is lighter evenings at least through the winter and dark evenings I could close the curtains and forget the world out there.

It is so lovely that Julie knew she was going to be a grandmother I am sure she will be watching over her grandchild when the baby arrives. Look after yourself Rich xx

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You take care too.xx

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So very very sorry for your sad loss of your darling Julie, Rich. It is such a dreadfully hard thing to try to come to terms with.
Please try not to torture yourself with “what ifs” although I know that is easier said than done.
You loved Julie as she will have loved you too, you must hang on to that.
My husband, best friend & soul mate of 40 years died fourteen months ago, unfortunately like your Julie he tried chemotherapy for his stage 4 kidney cancer, all it did basically was make him more ill, he had one infection after another.
He insisted he wanted to try the treatment though (although he was told from day one of diagnosis that there was no cure). I did worry when he first died that I should have said he shouldn’t have had the treatment. He always said if he didn’t try he wouldn’t know. He wanted to live.
Sadly this wasn’t to be, but now I realise that whatever we both decided to do the outcome would have still been the same.
We just have to remember and cherish the years of love we shared with them and know that they would hate us to be dwelling on “what ifs”
Take care, be very gentle with yourself
Janey x

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Just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and everything you say is so true for me too, my husband had AML and died after a 2nd bone marrow transplant 7 months ago. Just doesn’t get any easier and I too still cry every day! I carry on for my kids but so hard. Take care of yourself x

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That is so tremendously sad to read. How can life be so cruel?
I’m having a pretty ‘crap’ week. Have Covid and feel awful and Joe’s not here to look after and reassure me.
I’ve spent three days alone, not seeing my family to keep them virus free but feeling terrible.

Loving someone makes their loss nigh impossible to live with. I’m only 16 weeks into this dreadful journey and it feels like a lifetime on my own.
A lovely friend called me today which was kind but keep saying ‘we’ this and ‘we’ that, we booked a holiday etc and I felt like my heart would snap in two because we won’t ever do those things again.
Never walk together in Sorrento again or explore Exmoor in the Spring which we loved.
I worry that I’m not making progress at all.
Who is this person I’ve become?
I don’t know her at the moment.
I could cry at every word or in any situation.

I hope you can feel a little better each day and I do too
G x

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Dear Janey
It sounds like your other half fought so hard to stay with you the love he had for you was the most important thing to him so he tried everything possible for a little more time with you. He took that small chance by having treatment for you as did my Julie which gave us hope rather than wait for the inevitable.take care x

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Dear Gee
What an horrible experience of having two bone marrow transplants and then coming away with nothing ,but no you didn’t come away with nothing you came away as did I that are beloved spouses would try so hard to stay with us.
Take care.x

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Dear Gillb
Life as we know it as gone it will never return what you wouldn’t give to have Joe’s arm round you right now. Julie and I loved Sorrento and I think of us there,then I think we’re never going to be there again which makes me cry. ultimately its the ones left behind who are left suffering. When you talk to friends the WE word can be very upsetting .
take care x

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Dear Rich60, I feel your deep pain and anguish. Julie sounds like a marvelous and giving person. Life was very cruel to her but she did have you and your deep love for her. It’s great that you have such a supportive daughter and son-in-law…but remember your grief is as personal as your fingerprints…no two people are alike. The loneliness, nothingness and emptiness can be so overwhelming, but, as someone told me recently, we have to hope…keep the flame of hope alive that what’s left of our lives will improve at some point. I, too, cry every day missing my soulmate who died 7 months ago…the time in between has vanished into the fog of grief. Sometimes I cry for longer periods and not so hard…but other times I wail in anguish about so many things connected to him. Have you tried writing ? I have found that to help somewhat. Take care, dear Rich60, and try to find your path out of the foggy maze of grief and anguish. All the best…Pipsi

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Dear Pipsi
Thank you for your beautiful reply there are just so many of us out there crying and alone I have fantastic support from family and friends I hope you do as well but its in the evening and night theres no one there to put their arm around you and hold you tight. It does sound like we were both lucky to have found our soulmates when im crying I’ll think of you probably crying too. Take care Pipsi x

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Hi Rich
i am 5 months along now too i lost my husband november we had been together since we were 15 making it 56 years all together 54 married
dont blame yourslf for anything i am sure your Julie wont everything was out of your control like for everyone else
my husband had been ill for years from different illnesses that developed
you have to carry on for Julie now always take one day at a time with baby steps and always think of what she would want you to do cry when you want to to let your emotions out dont worry about what other people say or think do what you want to do
i was a realy strong person who coped with anything that life threw at me but coping with loss and grief has been the hardest thing in my life to get through it hits hard and takes away half of you with it but you have to carry on in the memory of your loved one
the 1sts are the hardest but once you get through them you can pat youself on the back and do the next step i am lucky i have a dog thats gone everywhere with me even to the funeral we go to the markets on dog walks and have met new people along the way i dont drive but people from the greyhound trust come and pick me up and bring me back to the dog walks the first time was the hardest getting into someone elses car but i faught did it and now i dont mind i am stilly feeling lost and empty inside and still cry when i feel the need to but i am lucky i never lost my friends friends and family and have made a few new ones along the way they cant fill the space of your loved one but do help

keep posting on here and reading other peoples posts too it will help

take care pat

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