56 and feel life is over

5 months since my lovely husband died suddenly. Felt worse this week than ever before. So lonely but don’t want company. Just want my husband. It’s so so desolate. Deep, deep sadness. I usually keep a tidy house and have immersed myself in decorating and gardening. Back at work full time now. No motivation to tidy house. Not me at all. I hate my life.

cannot give any helpful advice as im in a similar situation.losing the love of your life is like having your heart ripped out.i hope and pray that i will be reunited with Jayne when i die.not looking forward to the future as in all the futures i ever pictured Jayne would be the biggest part of my life.do what ever makes you feel okayish,there is no right or wrong.heres wishing for you to have the strength to get through tragic time in your life.regards ian

That was something that I still stuggle with, even though my mum has passed almost two years. We had a routine, as maybe you did. Go to work, clean the house, get dinner on, and enjoy ur weekends. Even though it was my mum that passed, for me, she was a huge part of my life, as I can gather, your husband was for you. I m only trying to claw my way round now, I realized that if my house wasnt clean, I felt uneasy all day. But, I still found it hard to clean like i used to, i had no motivation. So, I began to set myself little goals, stupid ones, that I notmally would have done on a daily basis. Such as my windows or my bedclothes. I even wrote it down and stuck it on my fridge. When i did it, i congradulated myself. Silly, but ,I promise you, effective. Good luck.

I understand the not wanting company, rather stay at home, and play songs that my hubby and I used to sing/dance to, I would torment myself by constantly looking at photos how wonderful my life was, and ask the question why, how has it all gone. Slowly I’m stopping myself from doing this, as it a downward spiral, and i do know it only going to be me who can pull myself through. Get out talk to people, you work you have a life, not the one that you’ve chosen. I’m slowly coming round, I do try not to dwell for too long on my present situation, I allow myself a small window in the morning to cry and in the evening too. Then I do TRY. To rouse myself, he wouldn’t want me to be crying all the time, I do cry out to him, why have you left me, I try to fill my days. I’m only 2 months in, I’m only 62 I’m in good health, active, yes I’m lucky. This bereavement is bl…dy awful, the pain is overwhelming. Sadly we can’t bring them back, however much we cry I repeat that over and over to myself. I can’t offer any more people on this website understand your not alone.

That is exactly how I feel. I write lists of things that need doing. If I do them - great. If not, then it doesn’t really matter. I do rouse myself but sometimes this is just impossible. I don’t like the person I’ve become. I used to be confident and I feel just a weak nuisance. I have 2 wonderful sons who have been such an amazing support. Recently, one of them popped round to my house and left tiny little messages of what a good mum and great person I am. My boys are the only reason I try. And I know that I should be supporting them more so that they can grieve properly. I feel so selfish at times. But today, maybe it’s the sun, I am feeling motivated. Have ticked 2 things off my list today and I’ve been strong for my son. I have to accept that some days will be very dark. I don’t hate my life quite so much today. I know that I am one of the most fortunate people to have been so thoroughly loved by an amazing man for 37 years. But I can’t help feeling robbed. I have never felt anger about my Jim’s sudden death. Just so deeply deeply sad. It gives me comfort to know there are other people who know exactly how I feel. Thank you for your advice and support.

Dear Sue

Some days are definitely worse than others. I am glad you feel more motivated today - whilst today I seem to have lost it.
Yesterday I was Ok - or relatively so. I went out and had coffee with a lovely lady I met on here - did some shopping and was fine. But my lovely daughter broke down last night in floods of tears- and I joined her.

Usually my lists keep me going but cannot face the list today - just feel so sad. I feel sad for him too -he should be sitting in our garden having a cup of tea and enjoying the sun. We should be chatting about - everything and nothing. He was one of those rare men that talked - a lot - and the house is so silent without him. He was like the teenager - it was him I had to tell to turn the music down - not the children! So I am like you I do not feel anger - just this overwhelming sadness.

I feel robbed as well - we had 40 wonderful years and had every intention of planning another 20. Our lovely husbands have been taken way too soon. It is 7 weeks on Tuesday and I am not back at work yet - I cannot face it just yet - though think the structure of it is probably what I need. But will take it slowly.

It is almost lunchtime and I am not showered or dressed yet - so will pull myself together and make the effort. Will indulge in some retail therapy with my daughter - think I am going to end up one of those people that just buy things for the sake of it to try and fill a gap that cannot actually be filled.

I wish you good luck with your lists today and hopefully our dark days will become fewer. I know that Gary would hate for me to be upset this way - just keep apologising to him for crying!

Take care

Trisha xx

Hi Sue, I feel exactly the same. I lost my Cassie in December last year. I know only too well the feelings, I hate being alone but don’t want to share with anyone except her. Some weekends I just sit here, the house work can wait its not important. I don’t hate my life I just see not much point to it. Used to work etc for us, cant see the point just for me. I don’t know if these feelings, these waves of pain and emptiness ever go but after 6 months there doesn’t seem to be much let up. But I know I’m not alone with all the amazing letters of support here from people feeling the same. I went back to work, my colleagues were all very nice, supportive and helpful, but if you haven’t been through it, you cannot know the pain we feel. If you need a chat I’m here along with many others. Take care.

Hi Sue
5 months ago my husband died too.
Haven’t felt well since. Lost 2 stone in weight, totally stressed out. Lonely is not the word. I have no family and live in a flat. I have friends but they have families so can’t expect them to rally round me all the time.
Sounds like work keeps you busy so thats good. I haven’t picked up the hoover for months dusted a bit the other day but lost interest.
I hate this life too like you.
I wish I had a job to go to as being in the flat drives me mad.
Keep your chin up, know its difficult boy do I know!!!
Take care Love Suex

Hi Sue, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my lovely husband at the end of November 2018, and I often feel I take one step forward and two steps backwards. In September last year I had a family of four at home. My daughter left home just before her Dad was diagnosed with cancer on 19 October. He died on 29 November from a blood clot on his lung. My son still lives at home but spends most of his time at his girlfriend’s house, and so from 4 it is just me. I am 53 and work full time but like you all I really want is my husband back. Eating is just a necessity. I hate food shopping because I used to enjoy cooking and looking after George so much and now I feel I have no purpose. I try to think of the positive things I have such as a lovely family and good friends but the one person I want I can’t have and the thought of continuing to live without him really scares me, I just seem to exist. I just somehow hope that we find the motivation and strength to carry on, after all what choice do we have? Take care xx

You seem to sum me up!
It is such a shock when we are left on our own ah! well you have family but its still lonely ah!
At least you work so that bust take your mind of things a bit.
I find eating just a necessity too. Its funny as I have had recipes published in magazines and a book but since Mike died I have no interest really in food.
I eat when I am with friends but on my own cant be bothered. I use to be a chocoholic but I have so much chocolate here in the flat even that doesn’t interest me these days. I just hope that in time we can all get on with being alive and living.
I need a purpose in life would love a job of some sort or a tea shop something to keep my mind ticking over.I just hope things improve in time as it is still weeks since Mike died. Stay strong if you can, keep messaging and take good care Love Suex