Jackie,
It doesn’t get any easier at all does it? Here I am at 1.45am even after taking a diazepam prescribed by my doctor & still can’t switch off to get some sleep! Tomorrow night will be even worse as we will be moving closer to Friday again & the thoughts of my love’s passing will be my main thoughts all day…x
Jackie, Lynneth
For me its Thursday and here we are on Thursday and I am reliving that day hour by hour for the sixth time. As the hours tick by since 5am as I shared a cuppa of tea with my hubbie before he first then I a bit later both went to work we laughed as he tickled me as we kissed goodbye. The memory hurts so much then the questions start. Why did I let go to work? Why couldn’t I see if something was wrong? Was he in pain. Why wasnt I with him? Why didn’t I get to the hospital quicker? Why did it happen when he was fit and healthy? What did I miss? Why that Thursday…
Why why why why am I so lost?
Jane,Lynn…
…same for me, it was a Thursday, today is a Thursday…It started off as any other morning, took the dog in the morning to the pet groomer but never mad it back mid day to collect him…I found him dead in his armchair…
Jackie…
Yes exactly six weeks today I found my Richard dead sitting in his armchair, mouth and eyes open, hands on each side of the chair, I had the shock of my life, thought after I shouted to him " didn’t you hear our phone ringing " I had shocked hi awake after dozing off…the phone was just a few feet from his armchair, behind him, I thought, how could he not hear it ringing, why wasn’t he answering it…I was in the office at the time, I still cant live with myself of why I never stayed-sat in that living room, I would have noticed he was in trouble if I had of done, maybe, just maybe he would still be here…I just assumed he had made himself a cup of coffee before driving back that 20-30 minutes and couple of hours later to collect our dog…I think it was the pet groomer who phoned because Richard was 100% reliable and would have been on time to collect him…
Jackie…
Jackie,
I don’t think there would have been anything you could have done although like you I have questioned myself over and over about the way things were when my Daryl passed away. (I cant go into detail as it upsets me too much) However I have been back to the hospital and have requested to speak to the consultant and staff on duty there and we had a long chat, they even showed me notes that were made at the time because I wasn’t sure that the right decisions were made and if this had been done, or I had done things differently, etc, etc, but they assured me that nothing could have been done to save him. I am beside myself as you are and again have woken up to another day where I am completely lost and don’t recognise this life I am living…x
Dear Jane
For me it is only just over two weeks - and I feel exactly the same. My husband died whilst I was at work and we found him when we came home. I have support from my wonderful children too but like you they cannot feel the enormous gap I am feeling. I know I need to go back to work but just cannot face. We were together for 40 years - he was my life and I miss him so much and I did not get the chance to tell him either - I say it all the time now. We had something so special. I try to keep busy - as it stops me thinking. But cannot face speaking to neighbours - only a few close friends. We were chatters - discussed everything and I constantly think I must tell Gary. The people on this forum are lovely and the first thing I do is log on in the morning as it helps so much to share these things with others who understand.
Take care
Trisha x
I too suffer from remorse. ‘Did I do the right thing?’. ‘Could I have done better’? But whether I did or not I can only ask for forgiveness, which I am sure, knowing my wife, I will get. But we have to forgive ourselves too. We are human and make mistakes. Toward the end my wife had dementia. It’s a pretty awful business, and I did get irritable over it until I came on this website. She was in a care home by then and I visited every day for months until she went. I still have a problem forgiving myself for what I may have done or said. But I’m human like everyone else.
The ‘what ifs’ pile up, don’t they? But I tell myself, (if I would listen!), that the past is gone. There’s not a thing I can do about I. But out of the pain comes a more tolerant person. That must be a plus in all this pain. It’s a journey, a long hard one at times. But…
“The moving finger writes and having writ, moves on. And not your piety or whit can remove one word of it”
It’s true!
I have and still do have that my Richard was a lucky person, you know the thing? if the computer plays up on me, Richard only had to come play around with it, touch it for a few seconds and hey presto, even if I had done the same thing, it would work for him…I always said he had a Midas touch and he was a lucky person…Even to the day I found him in his armchair, the medics, police and neighbours that came to my call, my shout for help, said the same thing…" that at least he looked peaceful…" I told them the same thing, " I hope he was " and that when I go, I no I shan’t be so lucky…
Jackie…
hi Jane
i dont honestly think anything is normal after losing the loves of our lives.me personally i dont tend go out much at all.and if i do i tend avoid people i know,and just nod hello to others i meet in the street etc.welling up would be normal for me to,but not every body reacts the same,we are all individuals and we react differently.just know that there are lots like you and me who cannot get over losing their partners and that every day is a struggle.there are many people on this site who will try make us feel better.but no one as an absolute answer as to what we should do or how we should react,im far from the best person give advice apart from do what you feel is right and if thats working continue,if not try something else.fingers crossed that you get support from family and friends and they dont take what youve been or going through lightly as its not its a seriously shocking thing whats happened and there is no easy fix.take care regards ian.ps sorry i spelt you name wrong in the message i sent you.