6 weeks today I lost my partner of 15 years

My partner passed away 6 weeks ago today and I just cant believe it. He was ill for 3 months and was in hospital for half the time. He was 25 years older than me and I have had wonderful support from so many people but I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of my life. I cant stand noise and most of the time I just want to be on my own…

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Dear AlisonM

I am so sorry for your loss. This is very early days and you will feel so many different emotions. You have found a good place - people on this forum will understand, listen and support as best we can.

I am glad that you have support around you and take advantage of this. The aversion to noise and wanting to withdraw are all part of this awful journey. Please do what is right for you.

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Dear Alisonm I’m so sorry for your loss . My partner passed away 16 weeks ago and I still feel the same as the day it happened mine was very sudden one minute we were so so happy then next he was gone I still don’t believe it . I go hour by hour and can’t think about any further than that . We had so many plans he was the absolute love of my life and this nightmare is just so horrendous there’s no other word for it .
Sending you hugs take care

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It’s early days Alison and we can all identify with your feelings. It is a matter of taking one breath at a time sometimes. I, too, can’t imagine my future, especially a long one without my soulmate. I keep plodding on for my children as they have had enough pain. You can sign up for counselling here or with Cruse. Talk to your GP as well. I try to get out in the fresh air to walk each day - putting one foot in front of the other physically helps to keep me going. Check out refugeingrief.com as it’s written by someone who lost her partner so she knows the pain. Sending hugs

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I am new on this site. On Sunday it will be a year since my husband went out on his motorbike and never made it home. We were only together 10 years. We had both been married before and both abandoned by previous spouses. He was the absolute love of my life. I feel cheated out of the years we should have had together and understand completely what others are saying about how bleak the next 25 years look. I have also started to look after my 88 year old father and the prospect of coping on my own weighs upon me. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to

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What a community to be apart of, surrounded by people that have had their hearts ripped from their chests, there dreams crushed, soul mates stolen from them like a thief in the night.
Now we awaken every morning alone, broken most with the same question how do you carry on, my heart goes out to each and everyone of us that have or are going through this dark journey of our lives.
Me personally have tried different counselling, tried cruse nothing works I have definitely found talking to people in this bereavement communities a much better way to get through the day reading and sharing stories.

What I’ve also found with friends and family some are unable to approach you worried what to say while others constantly asking " how are you" " can I do anything for you"… It gets easier in time?? Really!
All that happens is eventually time steals memories and all your left with is a void of pain and misery of how you lost the one person on the planet that loved you unconditionally.
I admire all you positive people how you somehow find motivation to get up each morning… Me I’m just negative and angry.

But I wish you all strength on your journey to climb out of this abyss hugs

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Dear lostimbo
I totally agree with everything you said it’s exactly how I feel too
Hugs to you

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Hey Jan, I’m sorry you feel the same, it really does feel like the world has ended.
Just wanted to say anytime you need it feel free to private message me I’m happy to listen anytime you need to :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Lostinlimbo thank you your very kind I will definitely message you if I need to . I’m so sick of people saying you’ll get over it and move on and when I saw your post it was a relief to think I’m not the only one feeling this way . You can also message me if you need to anytime
Hugs to you

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Jan, you’re welcome after all we have all found ourselves in this hole together maybe together we can find our way out, and yes it’s a relief to see people feeling the same as I do.
The your get over it or it’ll get easier at first I found it a tedious sentiment after a while I learnt to ignore clueless people that really don’t know what to say so they say what they think you want to hear.
But over the months my tolerance towards ignorant people has diminished I have no desire to be told its going to get better, everyday feels like the first 4 months on I’m still crying I’m still alone… So yeah the your get over it people can go do one :grin:
And thankyou Jan for your offer I appreciate it :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Don’t worry - you’re not alone. I am four months in and I have tried to explain that I am not the same person and that I can’t predict or control when I will break down. Some get it but most don’t. You can’t wipe away 34 years in four months - nor would I want to!

Dear Jules4

I totally agree. I have no patience now with people who try to tell me it will get better as they stand next to their husbands/partners. I now just reply with ‘it will take me a life-time’ and walk away. I do not consider this to be negative just realistic, particularly given how long me and husband were together. I also feel it an insult to his memory.

I have lost a few people who I considered friends because they rang equipped with a list of things that I could start to do to ‘get me through this’. It included the gym, yoga and a whole lot of other new hobbies - I thought they knew me. I only needed my husband in my life, I cannot reinvent myself now. I just had to politely shut them down. It was exhausting as they kept questioning why I didn’t want to do these things.

I have to say that coming on here and registering was probably one of the best things I have done since losing my husband. 10 weeks on, its still as raw as it was but I find that coming on here, everyone mostly is in the same boat and you don’t have to be afraid to say anything as we all seem to understand what the other person/people are talking about so to speak.

Until someone goes through this and I would wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, you don’t know and can’t know what it feels like and so when they try and say to you that they know how you feel you just want to scream at them.

Having a bad day today and been sat crying most of the afternoon, but I know when you come on here you know you aren’t alone. So thank you to everyone for sharing their stories no matter how hard it is as it seems we all help each other. I am so so glad I stumbled across Sue Ryder and the bereavement community xxx

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Dear sheila26

I so get what your saying the same thing has happened to me I’ve lost a a few so called friends because I don’t want to do what they think I should . I only needed my partner we did everything together I was over all that other stuff he was my life my world my everything doing a bunch of activities is not going to replace what I have just lost 16 weeks ago . I haven’t been anywhere since I lost him and I don’t intend to . Your so right when you say it’s going to take a lifetime by which time I hope to be reunited with the love of my life .

Sending hugs to you

Dear Janeets

In one sense it is nice that they are thinking about me but in the other it demonstrates that they never really knew me. I am not a gym nor a yoga person - not knocking it but for me personally I have never had or shown an interest in these activities. I did used to walk alot when I had the dog. Again they suggest I get another but it broke my heart when I lost my beloved border terrier three years ago and I vowed never to get another. I know they bring great company but I could not stand another heartbreak.

I would just love them to either invite me for a walk and a catch-up at a local cafe or come round to mine and sit in the garden and have a cuppa but they are always busy so I have given up making the suggestion.

Since scattering my husband’s ashes three weeks ago, I have just started to go back to the beach. I found more support from a couple who spent time talking with me than alot of my so-called friends.

Take care.

Dear sheila26

The only thing we should do is what we feel
Comfortable doing not what others think we should .
I’m glad that you have found people to talk with and feels right for you .
Take care

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I’m lucky as several of my friends have taken me for a walk with their dog / baby. It has made a difference getting fresh air and exercise. Of course, I always used to go for walks with my lovely husband and I so wish I could still hold his hand and do that but I do feel better for a walk and a chat.

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Jules4

I know what you mean I so miss that too holding my partners hand going for a walk laughing and joking with him I loved him so very much and miss him beyond belief
Hugs to you

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When we were walking last year during the lockdowns, we saw an elderly couple who were walking and holding hands. My husband nudged me, nodded their way and whispered ‘couple goals’. I smiled and nodded. It’s all that I wanted - to still be walking hand in hand with him.

My husband was not a big walker but started to go out during the lockdown. We thought we would be like the older couples that we saw, we even joked because although my husband was 60 he had a full head of hair with only a couple of grey hairs. Every morning I would get up and make the morning brew, call him and he would come and give me a big hug. I now start my day crying because he is missing. Our kids knew the routine so well that they took their dad’s cup and placed it in a cupboard so that it doesn’t get damaged or used by anyone else. I thought we had years ahead of doing the simple things that made the day start with a smile.

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