7 months on & he no longer Exists?

Losing a partner
#1

Hi,

It’s now been 7 months since my husband died, i still find it difficult to accept that he has gone, I’ve realised when something happens that is good or bad he isn’t there to tell, others are but it’s not the same & I’m beginning to think I need to carve out a future where I need to rely on myself.

I am surrounded by people that are of the view that when you die you no longer exist, I don’t want to think this as it seems to put me back to square one, I so want to meet up with him again when it’s my turn.

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#2

Flower_garden, I’m sorry for your loss. Hold onto what you believe or would like to believe. It doesn’t matter what others believe.
I lost my Mum ten weeks ago and I have to believe that one day we will meet again in some form. Hold onto what gives you some comfort.

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#3

It has been just over 8 months since I lost my husband and I too miss telling him the things that happen - but I still do tell him as I think he is still close. Like you though I am not sure I have accepted it - the past months have all rolled into one and I know I am coping pretty well - back at work, getting on with things and trying to fill my days. I get through by not thinking of the future and know I am no longer frightened of dying. I do not want to die - I am not ready for that and I am determined to find a way to carry on without him but not sure how yet - so still just taking a day at a time and trying to keep as busy as possible - but not sure if I am ever going to be truly happy again without him.
Some days are better than others - and if I feel myself weakening I can hear him say ‘come on Mort (his name for me) you can do this’. I know I can too - but it is not easy.
Even with my lovely children, and good friends, I am still lonely - and I need to learn how to enjoy time alone - but after 40 years it is alien to me. Right now I am putting up the Christmas tree - I didn’t think I would be able to do that -but again I can hear him nagging me to get on with it. Those we love are always with us -not on the plain we are on - but they are there - I can feel his love around me. It just makes me cry sometimes that it is all so different - and I miss him so much - as we all do. They were and always will be part of us. Stay strong - and ignore those that think the husbands we have lost no longer exist. That is up to them - that is only their view - you know he is still part of you.
Take care
Trisha xxx

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#4

It is just over 8 months since I lost my partner too. Especially at this time of year, I can feel him all around me and doing all the things that we would be doing now and it is so painful and empty. Life seems to be carrying on all around me and I don’t feel a part of it. It’s as if I am looking in from the outside. I cry out for him every day and can’t let him go. I just want to know where he is and that I will see him again one day. I think many of us feel like this and maybe this is an indication that we will. I would like to believe so. Yes, some days are better than others but I am feeling particularly vulnerable now. I haven’t put up decorations or my cards as it seems inappropriate. I have no family but thank goodness for caring friends and for understanding people on this site. It has been a lifeline. Take care.

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#5

I lost David my husband 6 months ago. We have no children. I am so lonely and not coping without him. Don’t see any point going on without him. I’m just like a robot just existing. I miss him do much. I feel that my heart is in bi5s.

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#6

I talk to my Dad , he answers me .
He answers me because I knew him so well I could tell what his answers would be .
I tell him everything that happens just like I did when he was alive .
I still love him as much or even more than I did ,so I talk to him.
It helps.
I tell him I love him and miss him everyday.
They still exist of cause they do.
Not in the same way but they are in our hearts and our memories .

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#7

I’m sorry to hear about your loss and your completely normal and understandable feelings about acceptance of it. Comprehending the absence of the one you love is so incredibly hard that I almost wonder if human beings are capable of it. We just carry on living and coping somehow. I wonder if you can gently explain to those closest to you that you’re not able or ready yet - maybe never truly will be - to accept the non-existence of your husband so that they can be more open to how you feel. Everyone says we have to find our own individual way, which is true enough, but supportive family and friends are so essential.

This will be my second Christmas without my husband and the first where I will wake up alone in the house (apart from two dogs and a cat, and they do make a difference, bless ‘em) on Christmas morning. The day will soon be busy with family and I feel lucky to have them. But accepting that my husband is gone is something that I still struggle with.

Take care. X

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#8

I lost my Dad nearly 7 weeks ago, and I speak to him everyday. I knew him so well I could hear his answers back to me. I believe in something I just don’t know what it is. My dad was spiritual and explained to me that when we die, we turn int matters of energy and that energy doesn’t disappear. I believe that. I believe in intuition and I’ve sworn that I’ve ‘felt’ him close by.
Believe in whatever brings you comfort. God knows we deserve that. I miss my Dad everyday and with each day it’s hard not to fall into a pit of dispair. Love you Dad, miss you even more, my best friend, my confidant.

And love to everyone dealing with heavy grief too.

#9

My father was not a religious man but he also came to the conclusion that energy does not dissipate. There is something beyond the physical on earth.

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#10

Hi
Sorry to hear about your sad loss. I too lost my husband in January and I hold on to the fact that there is another life after death. I feel that I will be with my Mick again one day. So you hold on to the thought that one day you will be with your partner again. Take no notice what other people think.
I have no family at all and will find this Christmas very sad as Mick loved Christmas.
Be strong and hold on to your thoughts. Love Sue

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#11

I can relate to every single one of you. The good days are amazing but the bad days are just awful, I feel like I’m back at the start again, the day we lost John and I cry so hard I feel my heart break. I know it’s all normal but that doesn’t help does it? My family and friends are amazing and are too dealing with Johns loss especially johns parents god knows what they are going through.

I am taking strength from reading others stories and knowing I am not alone although some days I do feel very isolated and so lonely John is the only one I want on those dark days.

Love hope and strength Michelle xx

#12

That is just what my youngest son said to me. My dads dead now. You live, you die so you move on. Thats life and what my dad would have wanted. Yet in the next breath he says but for someone who has been with somebody as long as i have been with his dad, it must be awful and he can’t begin to imagine it. I still like to talk about him all the time and think about how alan would like things doing.

#13

Hi daisy-Janet,

Yes people say ‘Moving on’ but what does that actually mean? And when is the time to move on? I say there is no hand book or rules to how any of us deal with our loss, we do what we think is right for us and How we feel can change from one day to the next. We talk about John all the time, he is still and will always be at the forefront of everything we do and that’s how we all want for now and if moving on means we can no longer do that then we won’t be moving on anytime soon. I believe we move on every day that we live without our loved ones we have no choice it’s a natural process, one that we would change in a heart beat but we can’t do we get up in the morning we walk passed photos coats that are still hung up go to work listen to songs on the radio that make us remember them visit the cemetery watch the programs we watched together walk our dogs down the same field. If moving on means changing all that then I don’t believe I’m ready.

Our rules in our time xxxx

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#14

Hi. Cooey. Now that is a really sensible approach to this awful experience. Thank you for that. My sentiments exactly. We do move on, whatever that means, but in our own time and at our own pace and, as you say, our own rules. No one can impose anything on us. Helpful suggestions. maybe. But it’s still our choice. Take care.

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#15

I will not accept that my husband does not exist. Yes he isn’t here physically but I feel him around me. I only look forward to birthdays now as it means I’m another year closer to death and that means I will be with him again. Can’t wait. I didn’t think I would stay in our home. Me and Andy met 17 years ago, it was always his house but it was our home. I always said that I wouldn’t stay here and I could see that that hurt him. I now understand why. We built this home together. There is laughter a plenty in these walls and the memories are amazing. I will stay here until I cannot manage it anymore. I owe this to us and the home we made together. I’m having a new kitchen this year which is what we planned to do. I want to be able to carry out the plans we made together. People who say things don’t understand. I went out with friends one day for afternoon tea. One of them for some unknown reason started telling us about her experience of going round a funeral home as part of her job. She went into great detail, I sat there and sobbed in front of a restaurant filled with people. Why she did this I don’t know. Some people think they goer it but they don’t. I have always had empathy for the people that I’ve met when they have lost someone. I’ve sat and cried with some. But i never knew until now how much pain someone goes through when they lose someone. I say to people now you can only imagine and that doesn’t come close

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