7 months on..

I’ll have days where I can ‘function’ I’ve tried to keep myself busy as much as possible, but even still my brain is constantly switched on to my dad.
I honestly think of nothing else.
Some days he will be on my mind and I can carry on with day to day.
Some days its impossible, the pain of losing him so suddenly is crippling me.
I dont feel I have anyone to turn to anymore, I feel like they’re thinking its been 7 months, surely I shouldn’t STILL be feeling this raw.
I’m sat in my living room right now with my partner, im trying REALLY hard not to cry so he doesn’t see. The thought of never seeing my dad again is overwhelming. I’ll never see his face, hold his hand, hear his laugh ever again. Its all that ever runs through my mind I just cant get it to stop.
We had a difficult relationship, my parents divorced when i was young and over time I saw my dad less. I always felt his life was more interesting without me in it. The older we both got the more he tried to reconnect with me but he would always revert back and blame me for not trying with him. There were many, many years of awful arguments. Most recently we fell out over him not been invited to my brothers wedding. That was the last time I ever spoke to him, the last message I sent him was awful. He died thinking that’s what i thought of him. I cant take it back and I cant say I’m sorry. I just wish all this would stop :broken_heart:

Dear @Alliecal, I am so sorry you are having such a bad day. It’s really sad that your last message to your dad was one you really regret. All I can say is that if you knew that would be your last message, you would never have sent it. You say your dad died thinking that is what you thought of him, but maybe not. Maybe he knew relationships can be difficult and that you wrote something you didn’t actually mean. I hope so, because you love him, and I hope he knew that.

Hi @Abdullah, thanks for your reply.
A few months ago my cousin told me he knew I was just angry and hurt. She said he knew I loved him. And as much as that helped at the time, it just wasn’t from him.
I’m struggling with hearing people say “your dad loved you” I knew that, he told me all the time, but I didnt tell him I loved HIM.
“Your dad knew you loved him” did he? Because I called him some really nasty things, and he himself told me on many occasions that he had no daughter. I cant remember the last time I told my dad I loved him. Its eating me up having it all building up and i cant tell him.

Hey, I can’t answer if your dad knew you loved him. We will probably never know.

What we do know is that you don’t have to tell someone you love them for them to know. And maybe, despite you not telling your dad this, he did know. Most of us have said things we don’t mean when we’re angry, in fact, when he said he has no daughter, that’s him saying something when he is upset that he didn’t actually mean.

I honestly can’t answer for sure whether your dad knew you loved him, but I think he probably did. Have you ever considered counselling? They talk to people who have been in similar situations to you, they’ll probably be able to offer a lot more help to you?

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Most families argue. In my family, it was often a never-ending cycle of arguments and make ups. It was our norm. We were not a family who said “I love you”. I had a huge argument with my Mum in her final week, so I understand how painful it feels.
I know that my relationship with my Mum was more than any argument we had. It takes two to argue. People who love each other can ‘rub sparks’ of each other. Life is stressful and fast paced. Our re-actions are often swift too.
Everytime, I read a post regarding guilt or feeling upset about arguments, one thing that comes through the pain and regret - is the deep love the grieving person feels.
Our loved ones would not want us to make ourselves unwell. If the position was reversed they too could feel a deep sadness.
I found writing a letter to my Mum useful. Occasionally, I add a few lines to the letter, as my grief changes or as new emotions turn up.
You could try writing to your Dad.
I know it’s not easy. I’m sorry for your loss.

Ahh I’m so sorry for your loss and to hear about how you are feeling. My Dad passed away in May and it’s been shit ever since if I’m totally honest. I really miss him too. Me and my Dads relationship was quite fragmented but we were in a good place before he died. I do feel for my sister though, who hadn’t had much of a relationship with him for over 15 years. I think she struggles with guilt. The only bit of comfort I might be able to offer you is that your relationship with your Dad spans further than just what your last messages were. You will have had a lot of loving good times together. Try not to be too hard on yourself, grief is difficult enough as it is (I know - easier said than done! lol). xx