8 months ago

8 months ago my brother was taken from me in a car accident the day before my 27th birthday. It doesn’t feel like 8 months, it feels like I’m stuck, the world keeps spinning and the months keep passing by but it still hurts to breathe. His inquest is coming up and I feel like im losing my mind. I’m angry, all the time.
It doesnt feel real, i usually dont talk about how im feeling, i just keep myself stupidly busy and cry when nobodys watching. my sister has chosen to see a number of different therapists along with all the drugs that the docs give but thats not something i want to do, i feel numb enough already.
Instead I thought I’d turn to you, people who understand how i feel and hopefully tell me it wont be like this forever. I dont know how to ‘move on’ especially when i dont want to.

Hi Amanda,

I’m so sorry that you lost your brother in a car accident 8 months ago. It’s understandable that you feel angry all the time & that you feel you’re losing your mind. There are loads of people on the forum who will understand what you’re going through and from what I’ve read from others you do get through it in time. I’m sure they will reply to your post.

When I lost my Mum I did have bereavement counselling which really helped me. I chose not to take medication. It was my safe place where I could say or behave any way I felt I needed to. In several sessions I just sobbed. My counsellor was incredibly understanding. Do you think it might be worth just revisiting the idea of counselling?

It’s so important to have an outlet where you can let your feelings/emotions out. It must be so difficult for you keeping it all in most of the time. Do you have any close friends/family you can reach out to?

Please keep posting and look after yourself. Trudy

Hi Trudy

Thank you for replying, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, I’m glad that counselling helped you, can I ask how long its been for you?

I wont say I’ll never go, I just dont think I’m ready for that yet, I can barely get the words out without totally breaking down and sobbing, I definitely couldnt go into detail about it, which is why I turned to here, I’ve found writing all my feelings down helps a little and I don’t actually have to say it.

Im married, so my husband is there for me but hes also one who wont talk about it unless i do, but again i get a few words out and im a wreck, so id rather keep it to myself. He became very close friends with Chris but is coping extremely well because of his personal beliefs.

I dont really have any friends, they turned out to be the worst kind of people, I know no one knows what to say to me but they said some horrible things. I spoke to my sister a little and she told me she talks to her manager about it and hes really understanding and that i should do the same. When i was on compassionate leave from work we got a new manager who didnt know anything about it, so I decided to tell her, she told me to ‘leave my baggage at the door’.

Beacause my brother was older than me, he was 38, my ‘friends’ say things like, ‘well it could be worse, least he wasnt younger than you’. Now its just ‘wow 8 months, bet your glad its over’.

I have my sister in law (chris’s wife) who im also good friends with, so i do talk about things with her, but at the same time putting on a brave face because i dont want to make it any worse for her as shes doing really well.

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me and letting me get everything off my chest.

It’s been 4 years. She died on my brother’s Birthday in November, of all the days & I started counselling in the February for 6 months. I think you can have counselling in any of the stages of grief. My Mum was my best friend so I was lost, scared & bewildered when she died. I don’t really have any close friends. The first 2 sessions I practically cried the whole time & barely managed 2 words. Some sessions I was quite cheerful & then mid sentance I was off sobbing again. If I hadn’t had that 'safe’place to express all of my grief & emotions then I would have kept them all inside. I was in an unhappy marriage at the time so barely talked to my then husband.

People grieve in lots of different ways. My dad seemed to move on quite quickly & when he talked about wanting to meet someone & internet dating I was, quite frankly, shocked. Some people seem able to ‘carry on as normal’…but maybe they’re just better at putting on a brave face in front of people.

Writing your feelings down is good. I keep a journal as well as regular meditation. It keeps me grounded & feeling sane.

As for your friends, sometimes people just don’t know what to say. I don’t think they know how upsetting their comments can be. Your managers response was awful!

Do you really think your Sister in law is doing really well or is she really good at putting a brave face on?

You have taken a really positive step by posting on this site. Keep posting & keep journaling, you’re doing well x


So sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my sister many years ago and have just found this site when I lost my mum a few months ago.

I think your friends just dont know what to say. Perhaps you will need to set the pace with your friends and your husband as to how chatting about your brother should happen in the future but right now it is early days for you to speak without being upset. Your manager’s response is shocking.

Keep posting here