8 months on, feels like yesterday to me but not my daughter

Hi everyone., I lost my husband 8 months ago and at some time every day I have cried for him, for the years I felt have been stolen from us (he was only 63) and for my life ahead missing my only and first love of my life.

Since he died, my son and daughter have been really supportive. We had moved into the country because it was a dream of my husband to grow vegetables and fruit and live an eco life. It only lasted 15 months before he died, completely unexpected and with me having to do CPR. I then found myself really isolated and far from family and friends so decided to move back to where we had lived most of my life. Again, my family have helped as much as they can.

I’ve also had to contend with some serious health problems identified since my husband died, including heart failure and now a very painful slipped disc.

So, these are all very stressful things, but with help I have coped with them. Today, though, I feel at my bleakest since my husband died and when we had the funeral service. My daughter and her partner told me they were going away for a few days as her partner had never been to the Lake District ( he’s from abroad), but they would pop in on their way back. They arrived and straight away my daughter told me they had got married. First of all she said it was to help her partner get citizenship, though he’d already got settled status. Then I was told they hadn’t wanted a big fuss because they’d been together so long. My daughter asked me not to cry and I didn’t. But during her visit I found out that it had been planned over a year ago, that they’d had a lovely wedding with a buffet afterwards, a photographer and that she’d bought herself a white dress. I am devastated. My husband adored my daughter. He would have been so upset by this. All I can think of is what have I done wrong? I can’t believe that less than a year after her father died and knowing the stresses I am under that she would do such a thing. I am sitting here alone wondering what to do or say. I don’t know what my extended family will say, but I dread telling them… What do I say, well it’s happened so just deal with it? I feel as if it’s one more thing too much for me to deal with - how do I act with her now? I never thought I would say this, but I’m almost glad my husband isn’t here now because he would be so hurt. What should I do, say what I feel or move on and try to put it behind me?

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Hello @JanieM ,

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds as though things have been really very difficult for you with losing your husband and having to move. In addition you are feeling very hurt by your daughters actions.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Take care - keep reaching out,

Alex

You haven’t done anything wrong.
I can understand your upset and disappointed in not being included. Maybe they just wanted their wedding their way and didn’t want extra stress for you? - but I’d want to speak to our daughter and explain I’m happy but a bit sad too.
Take care
G. X

My advice would be to say how you feel. It’s better in the open than festering in your mind. She asked you not to cry when she told you so I would ask her not to be upset by what you need to tell her. Good luck xx

Thanks for your advice, I’m floundering a bit. I’ve tried speaking about how I feel, but it didn’t really work. When you’re grieving everything is close to the surface. It feels like it’s one step forward and two back. I’ve given myself time today to think of how I can move forward because I can’t see my daughter and her new husband accepting their actions were in any way hurtful. So tomorrow I’ll get back on with the solicitors’ paperwork and then carry on sorting out my husband’s stuff and as he was a man with many hobbies and interests there’s a lot of it. I’ve found homes for quite a lot, but am now on an 8 week deadline for moving. Fortunately I’m able to have packers, so that makes it easier. Having a forum like this does really help so thank so much for replying. I was feeling a bit isolated so it’s been good to read about others stories and comments. It does help.

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Tell other family members if they have an issue with it to tell your daughter ! Its not your fault if you didn’t even know yourself ! Rather tactless of your daughter ! How did she think you would feel ! If it helps ive fallen out with all my kids since the funeral cos they have been no support to me at all :frowning: its all about how they feel ! Well he was MY husband not theirs ! Yes he was their dad but they all left home over 10 years ago ! I was the one who lived with him every day xx

Thanks Deb, it’s so true about it being so different losing a partner compared to a parent. Having lost both, my feelings about my parents were of sadness and some shock, but when my husband died it was as my whole world had been torn from me. 9 months on I still cry every day. Moving from what was our dream home for retirement feels so bitter. It’s what I have to do because I can’t cope with an acre of garden and being in the countryside is very isolating, but they don’t seem to understand that either. As for my daughter, she’s away for 2 weeks so I hope the shock and questions will die down even if I won’t ever forget it. Thank you so much for your kind words and support. x

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Yeh i totally understand you mustve felt isolated by yourself in the countryside - we moved nearer to countryside too for him and me and now hes gone but luckily i am within driving distance ( about 8 miles to family ) so not too bad really … i always knew i shouldn’t move far away because my husband didnt have brilliant health for last 10 years ! Still it is a shock to lose him still :frowning: and i loved him so much and he made life so fun :slight_smile: it is so different losing man you loved isn’t it ! It rips your heart out xx

Hi @JanieM, i just read your post and I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely husband. It sounds as if you have experienced a number of changes during the last 12 months on top of your loss, moving house and your daughter getting married. All such big life events. I was wondering whether your daughter’s sudden announcement of her marriage was connected to her losing her dad and not being able to ‘walk down the aisle’ with her father as she may have once dreamt. Sometimes we forget that our grown children are still grieving and can make decisions that previously when life was ‘normal’ that would not have dreamt of. My son who has been living with his partner for 8 years had decided they were not going to have children. When my husband died in January he suddenly announced they were going to try for a baby. All I could think of was that my husband would never get to see the baby and would have been over the moon to have had another grandchild. Perhaps you daughter should tell the extended family of heer news, rather than that falling on your shoulders with everything you are managing at the moment. I do hope your move goes well and you will find peace and happiness in your new home. Sending you lots of luck and love xxx

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Thank you to everyone for your kind messages. We all struggle with losing our partners and that is stressful on its own. I have wondered if I should move so soon after my husband dying, but being isolated with ill health isn’t good. Most of my illness has only happened since my husband died, I do wonder if that saying ‘dying of a broken heart’ is true at times. I’ve been diagnosed with heart failure and now severe back pains so I have to walk with a walking stick and have oxygen overnight. I think that might be one reason I’ve taken my daughter’s news so badly. Being in pain all the time does reduce your ability to deal with things. Oh well, when I’ve moved things will improve and at least I’ll be able to order in a takeaway when I can’t face cooking! Thanks again x

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Yeh very true xx

They must have wanted a quiet wedding, a traditional service with no dad to give her away would have been too hard. I can understand you feeling hurt though not being part of it all. My nephew did a similar thing, went to Gretna Green told no one, their little girls had bridesmaid dresses the full package. Afterwards they rang to tell their parents. They just did not want a big do. The family is just happy for them, all still very close and lovinge

Sadly, they made their decision before my husband died. He would have been devastated finding out afterwards, but knowing him he would have hidden his sadness and just got on with life - probably telling me life’s not a bowl of cherries, a saying from some old song I think. He would of helped me so much. But that’s the hard bit of losing your partner, isn’t it? There are so many people here with the same loss. It helps to know everyone understands. x

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