A bag of emotions

4mths since losing dad and I feel a whole bag of emotions. I cannot stop crying, I feel guilty for still being here and guilty for the moments of “normal” or “positivity” that have only recently happened in recent days. I know dad would want me to be happy and live life to the fullest but it’s still so so so difficult. I know I’m still in the raw stages of grief but will it ever get easier? I’m keeping myself busy and that’s why the “normal” and “positive” moments happen as I’m distracted…and then BAM, something triggers me and I’m a bag of emotions. I feel I’m snapping at mum and my sister and I wish I could take their pain away. I can’t begin to imagine how mum is feeling, it would’ve been their 43yr anniversary this December. My friend told me I still need to live my life and to look after myself, but I just want to be there for mum and my sister. They too say I need to look after myself. I just overthink everything and I’m scared they’re going to leave me too. I don’t think speaking to someone face to face is for me, I just needed to let this out and thought this is a good outlet. I posted previously which helped at the time. Why do we have to lose people we love, it’s not fair :cry:


Hi, I am pleased it helps writing about how you feel and I can understand totally how you feel but I believe we only go when it’s our time. Your mum will feel it and it will be hard on the anniversary days and that will go for ever I suspect, so just be there for her. Give love rather then sympathy and yes, you need your life to continue. Blessings to you and your family, just take care. S xxx

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Hi Susie, thankyou. It’s just tough being an overthinker and jumping to worse case scenarios too, I’ve been like that for a while and I’m scared to lose anyone else because I’ve lost grandparents over the years too. Dad was in my dream last night, he’s been in a few. Is that him visiting me to say he’s okay, I’m not sure. I wish we never had to lose anybody. Thankyou for your kind words xx

Hi - firstly I’m so sorry to read about your situation. I lost my mum in January and for a few months I sort of “ floated “ through life . I have pre- existing mental mental health issues, one diagnosis is GAD. Suddenly ( or that’s how it felt) my anxiety symptoms surged and now I’m struggling to get control. I’m having extra support from the mental health services- in that respect I’m “ lucky “. I can totally relate to what you say about fears of losing your mum . I’m hyper anxious, I believe, because I’m terrified of losing my dad . He’s been devastated by losing mum and I feel a weight of responsibility but at the same time, my panic attacks and longer spells of general anxiety get in the way of the support I want dearly to provide . I’m doing a lot of work to try to alleviate some of my symptoms, because I don’t want dad to worry about me . As someone with pretty frail mental health prior to losing mum , I can totally relate to how you feel . I’m plodding on every day as best I can. I really hope you start to feel a bit better soon- yes life is awful isn’t it x

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Hi @Ladysuisei thanks for your message. I’ve been off work since February with stress, anxiety and burnout. I’ve worked throughout the pandemic (supermarket) so I think that just built up and built up that I had to go off on sick this February. I’ve worried about dad through the pandemic with him being a carer and I’m thankful and grateful he never caught covid…however, he sadly passed away anyways and I just can’t get over how it was unexpected and sudden and within 2 days our world came crashing down. I’ve always been an overthinker, seeing worse case scenarios, worrying about anything and everything, and to lose dad so unexpectedly, I’m frightened about losing mum and the pain she must be going through because dad was her whole world…and my heads thinking worse case. I’m trying to tell myself dad is no longer in pain but it’s just soooo difficult.
I’m sorry to hear about your mum. Your dad will know you support and love him, he’ll know you’re struggling too and that you were struggling in life before the passing of your mum. It’s a lot for the mind to handle, grief on top of mental struggles. All you can do is take it one step at a time. Be there for your dad but also, a crucial thing people have told me to do, look after oneself and take time to grieve and rest and recharge. It’s only when we’re rested that we can truly support the others we love in our lives. It’s hard to rest when we just want to be there for our other parent but without it we can’t do anything. My messages are open if you want to talk x

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Hi Steffi
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also work in a supermarket and have worked in it all through the pandemic. I has to take a week off last year with stress when I too got burnt out. And in April we lost my dear mum after a very short illness. She had only been ill since Jan and was diagnosed with advanced cancer 3 weeks prior to her death. It was very quick and I wish that we’d had her for longer. But I take comfort from the knowledge that she didn’t suffer for long. I was off work for 3 1/2 months after she died.

I too am an overthinker. My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in 2007 and soon after he’d died my mum, ever organised, wrote down her wishes for her funeral service, songs, a poem she wanted read etc. At the time I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her so soon after dad and it really unnerved me. Thankfully we had her for another 14 years.

I too have a tendency towards anxiety and depression. Mum and I were really close and I miss her dreadfully. I’m divorced and single. I have a brother who lives in Scotland, I’m in England who so far I’ve seen every few months, although he comes down here every few weeks to see his grandson. I feel abandoned by my family and very alone. I thought that I was doing okay, when another family member with 2 young children who I haven’t seen for nearly 2 years cancelled coming this weekend and that bought up all of my feelings of being alone and no longer having a family or least ways one that cares about me. It didn’t help that they asked if I’d be seeing my brother, who apparently is down here for the weekend again. Although as per usual they’ve kept that quiet. We are going out for a Christmas meal on 12th Dec as I’m not invited up there for Christmas. Have invited my dad’s cousin to spend it with me instead.

Sorry for splurge. Didn’t mean to write so much about me. But it’s all very raw at the moment. I was doing well, but then this has triggered it all again.

Take care and as others have said do look after yourself. Xx

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Hi @Sue66 Thankyou, I’m trying my best to look after me. It’s still extremely raw for me and the grief is a powerful roller-coaster lately. I’m keeping busy but not really eating or sleeping (body clock is all over the place). It’s just like I’m in a bubble or something.

I’m sorry for the loss of your parents. It must be extremely difficult, especially with losing contact with family. It’s such a shame when family members drift from us when we all need to stick together in times of loss. Grief hits differently for all of us but try not to let it get to you (easier said than done I know). You need to focus on your grief and letting all of your feelings and emotions surface. You can’t be using your energy to worry about them not wanting to see/speak to you as worrying will only make things worse.
Do you have any close friends to spend time with? X


Hi Steffi
Yes I have one especially close friend who rang up on Sun as I hadn’t been in touch for a few weeks and I went round to see her which was lovely. On Thurs aft I go to an art class, so I’ve been to that today which I always enjoy.

Hope that you’re well.
Sue x

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Hi @Sue66
That’s good, I’m glad you’re not entirely alone x

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