EVERY minute of every hour of every day, someone somewhere will meet a sudden and traumatic death leaving their loved ones in a state of physical shock, grief stricken and in many cases facing years of desperate anguish. Allowing that in most instances there will be at least two mourners, this is misery of plague proportions and the statistics are rising each year. It is a universal and perpetual malaise.
On 18 January 2015 I became one of these statistics when I watched my wife of forty-three years slowly bleed to death, incongruously in one of the world’s great hospitals. How this happened and why is explained elsewhere in the hope that it may influence family decisions of others and perhaps prevent similar grief.
This book was conceived as a memorial to Christine and as a memento for future generations of our family. Once over the sheer physical shock of losing her, I wanted desperately to record some details of our marriage, our romance, and the final year of her life, the cause and effect of her death, and how I faced soul-shattering grief before I found a way to survive. It was a journey I could never have imagined, one I thought would end in my own death, which would have been welcome. Then, a year later, the dawn broke, the sun rose again and I found a reason to carry on living. The reason will be found in this book.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. What you have been through sounds incredibly tough, and I really admire how far you have come to publishing your own book in memory of Christine. Did you find the process of writing your book helped you to cope?
Thank you for your note and the kind words. I’m pleased that someone has read about Christine. Few people respond to such items, it seems.
Yes, the writing proved to be great therapy but this only came with time. Initially, I simply wanted to ensure that Christine wasn’t forgotten. Only later did I realise the value of what I was doing. It helped me through some dark hours and days. It proved to be the ultimate distraction, which is one of the points I make in a chapter dealing with grief.
Various forms of distraction are invaluable: what I refer to as the three R’s: reading, writing (about the loss) and relating, by which I mean talking it out, preferably with a counsellor. A new hobby helps, particularly where other people are involved, such as art classes or some form of activity such as golf or tennis. In effect, it means creating a new lifestyle. This takes time and a certain resolve but it worked for me.
If you care for an E- copy of my book just let me have your e-mail address and I’ll send it. It will be a small thank you for your kindness.
A few people here have mentioned that they are worried memories will be forgotten, so I think writing things down can be reassuring for many. And as you say, even if this isn’t the main goal, writing can be very therapeutic.
Using distraction, and perhaps taking up a new hobby, is an excellent idea. Apart from your writing, did you take up any new hobbies? I’m so glad that you have found strategies to help you cope and I really appreciate that you have these with our community so they can read your advice.
Hopefully, this community can help some way in terms of relating to one and other. Finding you are not alone in your grief can be a great comfort.
Hi Bazzo,
I am so sorry for the loss of your wife I lost my mum in may this year to cancer tha had spread she was diagonoised in February this year so died not long after. We lived together and were peas in a pod you couldn’t get a closer or stronger bond I miss her painfully and feel overwhelmed with emotions but the pain and sadness is just beyond words I can’t believe I’m writing this as I can’t believe sometimes that mum has gone from this world but never my mind soul and heart. She really suffered in the end and deterioted and it was awful to see I was with her 24/7 and stayed with her 24/7 at the hospice .i told her mum I wish it was me and not you I would of taken it if I could so she didn’t have to suffer or go. Life is so very cruel and unfair. I just don’t know how to cope or survive I’m getting so exhausted I just wana be with my mum . A day can seem like a week. And I get so anxious and scared I don’t have any close family so I’m alone apart from my puppy which I named in love and honour of my mum Susie-Hope. Well I added the hope name bit as feel that’s what desperately need and well everyone needs a bit of hope . Sorry I didn’t mean to go on so much I’m just overflowing with all these thoughts feelings. Again I’m so sorry for your loss I do really feel for you and you must be proud of your book. I have ordered a copy from amazon today so I will get it 2mrow.
With love from Tray x