A double blow

My husband died suddenly last week. We had been together for 11 years and I thought he was the love of my life.
I had to get into his phone the next day to get some phone numbers. After a few attempts I opened the phone and discovered he had been having an affair
How do I cope with this?i am bereaved twice over

Oh dear Jansue, I really don’t know what to say. I am so very sorry for your loss. Are you absolutely sure about what you found? Could there be some other explanation? Regardless of what you found, it can’t take away what you had with your husband. You say you thought he was the love of your life and I’m sure he was just that. You can’t pretend a loving relationship. I’m sorry I really don’t know what else to say and I’m probably not much help but please remember the love and happiness you shared, nobody can take that away from you. Sending love and hugs xxx

Hi, I am so sorry what a shock for you, but do make sure you have got it right.
My husband was a very private person and I found so much that I didn’t know about after he died. Nothing quite as upsetting as you but in the loft I found a case of old photo’s, many of him with what must have been old girlfriends and probably his ex wife (he never showed me a photograph of her) I found their marriage certificate and divorce papers and letters/diaries of hers. I have wondered why he kept all this stuff, locked in the loft. We had been married thirty years. I began to doubt that he had ever really loved me and she must have been the love of his life because he had locked away so much of her things and not got rid of them. I felt betrayed but have now come to my senses and accept that we had a happy marriage and it’s all in the past now and I would rather have our memories than dwell on his past before he met me.
I can’t imagine how you will manage to cope with your suspicions, but if you felt your marriage was a happy one then keep that and the good times firmly in your mind…
My thoughts are with you and keep in touch with this forum it will help you.

Thanks for your kind words, but there is no doubt. I found messages on his phone from her from WhatsApp, he had her under a mans name so if I saw the phone ring I wouldn’t suspect anything. His recent calls show he phoned her at every opportunity.
She wrote she loved him, did he say those things to her? Was he going to leave me for her? I have so many questions and I will never know the answers

Oh my goodness, my heart really does go out to you. What a dreadful thing to have to find out, along with losing him as well. A double whammy of grief. I do hope you have family and friends to support you through this difficult time. You are right you will never know his intentions.
Keep in touch with this forum we are all here to listen and to help each other in difficult times. Pat

Oh Jansue, I am so very sorry. It’s a terrible thing to have found out. Like Pat says, I too hope you have support from family and friends. Is there perhaps a friend of your husband’s who may be able to help? I’m really not sure what to say - you have unanswered questions but on the other hand it may be best to leave well alone. It’s simply an awful situation. Take care xx

Thank you. I am struggling because I know who this woman is, but like you say I don’t want to hurt myself any more

I agee with everyone. I think that o matter how long we are together we may never know anyone 100%. We hardly know ourselves, do we? I wold suggest that question like 'was he kind to me? Did he appreciate me? Did he love me? mqay be more ppropriate than blaming him. Of course, finding something like that on top of bereavement is very sad. It must almost be a great feeling of rejection. But it’s not you know. None of us could honestly say we have never done something we regretted. Lokin back I could rwrite a book about my misdemeanours. Well, after 60 odd years I would be a saint not to have done something. Can you forgive? So difficult but so necessary. Holding a grievance for a tie can

Sorry. The reply button got pressed. Also I couldn’t correct the spelling errors, but you may get the gist of what I was saying. I was saying that holding a grievance can be distressing and make bereavement more difficult to cope with.
I wish you well and I hope you keep talking on here.

I think Jonathan makes a good point. Dear Jansue, I know it won’t be easy but try to focus on the love you and your husband shared. Regardless of the role this other person played in his life, he was yours, your husband. Don’t beat yourself up, you need to grieve and that’s hard enough. Xx

You have all been so kind. Thank you for replying. I have got a phone number for a bereavement counsellor that the doctor gave me. I will talk to them and see if they can help me make sense of it.
That’s the problem see, he seemed to love me back and I thought we were happy. He must have been looking for something I couldn’t give him

I think that’s a sensible thing to do Jansue. Keep in touch on this forum. I’ll be thinking about you. Xx

Dear Jansue,
I think your final sentence is probably true but don’t forget that the “something you couldn’t give him” may simply have been the excitement of doing something he knew was wrong. It’s a basic part of many people’s nature to want a little secret something of their own, however much they love their family and friends. Whatever it stems from, family history, selfishness, insecurity etc, it doesn’t necessarily follow that they don’t love their family, just that they have an urge to assert themselves in a way that is separate from them. Some people can compartmentalise feelings in that way, so that the love and happiness you felt may well have been perfectly genuine in the eyes of both of you.
Don’t know if this helps. I wish you the best in your struggle with your grief.
J xx

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