Hi john. Im so sorry for your loss, everything you have said is how I’m feeling, almost constantly crying Begging for Brian to come back, I get in the car and scream and keep asking why,He couldn’t stay with me its 4 weeks on 7th July feels like years since I saw him .I do feel guilty because I spent ages looking for different treatments
having read about so many people that beat stage 4 Bowel cancer, we tried different supplements healthy eating
, I was convinced I could save him. I
should have just spent every moment just being with him .He used to say he felt safe when I was with him. We were both so positive that he would live.
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I’m so sorry your Husband lost his battle with cancer. Brian was given 2and half years only managed five and a bit months.
I can’t stay in the flat we lived in, he died in the hospice after six days .I know I have to go back sometime but I just can’t be there at moment I keep thinking he’s going to be there. I’m sleeping on my brothers sofa
With Brian’s pillow I have his glasses and toothbrush and phone and wallet with me.
I just don’t know how to cope without Brian
I get in the car and screame and just keep crying and asking for him to come back.
I have known him for over 43 years lived together for 28 years. People say it gets better but how can when they are not with us.
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33-S
My husband had stage 4 bowel cancer which spread I also research every day got him on food to help through chemo tried anything to keep him healthy to save him wished we went out more instead we protected him he said I was his rock but maybe like you we should have spent just the time holding each other watching films
Hi 33, likewise very sorry for your loss and what you went through but you did your utmost to try and win the battle so you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It has been very hard since I lost Hazel and although it is slightly easier than it was I still get waves of grief that seem to come for no apparent reason then there are the times when I see something that starts a memory grief moment sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming.
Hazel left us on the 18th of march in hospital I was stroking her hair and talking to her with my son and daughter holding and stroking each of her hands (tears are now flowing at the memory) so I think she left us with with a happy heart.
As was the way with Hazel her cancer became less of a worry for her, 6 months before she left us I was diagnosed with stage 4 Prostate cancer which has got into the lymph nodes I tried to keep it from her but she became suspicious of me going out by myself which was something I never did as we always did everything together, I kept telling her that I was ok and have been given “several years” whatever that means and that we needed to concentrate on her problems but Hazel being Hazel suddenly had something else to concentrate on, to prove how indestructible Hazel though she was was she bought us a motor home for Christmas with the intention of touring the country this year but alas it never happened the motor home is now shared by my son and daughter as I cannot bear to use it alone.
In so many ways life is crap we do everything we can to help our loved ones but there are no miracles and we have to go through the utter grief of losing the most important person in our lives, it can never be easy if it was then in my opinion there was no love and as we have all discovered there is a direct correlation between love and grief and it left me feeling totally hollow almost as though my insides had been ripped out graphic I know but an accurate description, as I said earlier I do feel a little better eating almost normally and actually sleeping one night in three I still talk to Hazel constantly during the day but still cannot fully believe that I will never see or speak to her again but I suppose that will come with time.
Anyway enough of a ramble for tonight.
Please try and stay strong it aint easy but we need to do it for the ones we have lost and the others who are still with us. John
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Hi S33
So so sorry for your loss . I think we all believe the same when we are going through it because we never want to believe that there is no solution. My wife was very healthy, walker drank very little never smoked we joked she was miss moderation because that was how she lived live except when raising money for cancer research which she did for 35 years as a volunteer. We as carers for our loved ones should we ever give in to this horrible disease.
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John F I am sorry for your loss but also for you own condition. Your words describe perfection everything I feel and think -and your description sums it up perfectly
You are one hell of person and I feel greatly honoured that you have shared your story.
As I have said many times this community has been a saviour for me. It allows us to share the deepest of thoughts, feelings and emotions that I could not share with anyone else who has not or is not experiencing the depths of grief. So thank you again
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Ned. Thank you for the kind words but they are not really deserved as I have always abused my body, I used to smoke heavily drank mine plus probably a few other share of beer and cider I lived the 1970s and 80s rugby lifestyle to the full am very overweight and have always eaten poorly so it was only a matter of time before one big C or another got me, but Hazel on the other hand never smoked, drank always ate properly kept her weight at a sensible level she deserved to outlive me but life being the cruel master that it is punished me by making me look after Hazel for two years and then watching her fade away with perverse act of finally getting around to me and basically saying it’s your turn next I really felt as though somebody was torturing us, I am in no way religious or believe in life after death I suppose I am just looking for answers as we all do trying to make sense of the whole thing.
it seems that the price we pay for having a wonderful life with a person we love so dearly although love is probably not a strong enough word to describe what Hazel and I had we became part of each other and one without the without the is much less than half of what we were as Hazel was the best of both of us and in losing her I lost the best part of myself.
As you said Ned this is the place to clear out these thoughts and allow others to to obtain some solace that they are not on their own and that there are plenty of shoulders to cry on and help carry the weight of the grief monster.
No need for thanks as you are helping me unburden myself and you cannot believe how important that is to me so thanks to you.
Hopefully everything is ok with you, you are on a painful journey with an end that I would not wish on my worst enemy but we will all be here for you when needed. John
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John F
You are a beautiful person and again articulate what a lot of us think and feel. I know I am in the right place in this community.
I need to say thank because you are helping me
Ned, I know there is not much to smile about in your current situation but I will give you a 
anyway but it is with a 
. John
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Hi John F .Just read your message you could have been describing Brian’s life he played Rugby he was a Hooker still don’t know what that really means!! He was captain of the Bank Rugby team Nat west
where he worked think he was about 18 years old in the 70s I remember him saying nobody wanted to be the first to leave the club house.
So much booze played Rugby then back at work. He then coached Rugby ,referee then started writing the Rugby report for his local Rugby club still doing that until last year at 74 years old. He loved everything about the game could remember matches from year’s ago. Brian had prostate cancer twice and beat it each time, so we were convinced he’d beat colon cancer right up until the last few days. Your Hazel sounds like a lovely lady and kept on fighting. Over the years Brian and I were together it was very much up and down, but the last two years were wonderful and basically fell very much in love again it was something I had hoped would happen and finally it did .Both so happy he told his friends that he had fallen in love with me again. And then it was taken away from us I still can’t understand
Why give us that love back we had so much to look forward to .I’m at a loss what to do I just want him back or to be with him. I feel like my heart is in a thousand pieces 
It worse in the morning when I wake up remember he’s gone .no cuddles morning kisses It’s just a empty feeling .Don’t know how to keep going I loved him so much for about 44 years. We lived together for the last 28 years since June 1997.I have a amazing daughter and two grandchildren one will be 18 next week we have the same birthday. But Brian’s not here with us.
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33-S. Brian was a hooker and I was a prop which normally meant we were both quite hefty people not necessarily tall but stocky with pushing power certainly not one of the rugby teams fliers (unlike today) but when you hit one of the what we used to call the pretty boys they stayed hit, as you say play hard and drink just as hard, when I gave up I gave up the rugby and gave up the drink not long afterwards as I was bordering on being an alcoholic but I do not really miss it well a pint of cold Strongbow on a hot summers day would not go amiss but if I had one that would Start the whole thing off again and with the loss of Hazel it would not take much to put me back 25 years.
You are right about Hazel she was one of the nicest people you could ever meet the saying would not hurt a fly summed her up to a tee no flies spiders or any other living creature were killed in our house everything had to be put out of the house fully intact which of course was always my job.
Like Brian Hazel also had cancer in the past she beat breast cancer in 2009 having had a single mastectomy lymph node removal and a course of 8 sessions of Chemo and 20 sessions of radio therapy she never had reconstructive surgery as her opinion was if people did not like it it was their problem not hers.
Hazel was diagnosed with an unknown cancer that has metastasised into her spine and was given six months but lasted 2.5 years and as time went on like you we thought that she would probably beat cancer again but in the end she went downhill very fast going from not great but still capable of walking and light housework to losing her in 3 weeks and I will admit it was devastating.
I think we were quite lucky insomuch as we were practically inseparable from when I met her when she was 15 (nearly 16) to the day she left us I can say hand on heart wherever I was in the world with work I managed to speak to her every day, we had our ups and downs like every couple but we never took an argument to bed with us.
Hazel alway had three pillow in bed two to sleep on and one to cuddle these pillows are still on our bed with the one she used to cuddle in her place in the bed and sometime I cuddle it myself.
On the wall by our bed is my favourite photo of Hazel which I had put onto a canvas so she is the first and last thing I see every day and night.
Like you I miss the hugs and cuddles and I used to smack her bum in bed every night (very lightly) before I went to sleep I still do it to the cuddle pillow but the pillow does not complain like hazel used to.
I think the thing I miss the most is just the general chatting we used to do all the time not huge important conversations but just the almost inane regular chats that couples have, I still chat to her but unfortunately no reply.
It is very cruel like you we were really looking forwards to getting really old together going out for slow strolls just doing what elderly couples do but it was not to be.
I had nearly 52 wonderful years but would have liked another 10 or so which to seems fair but like so many things in life are not fair.
I am kind of learning to live with the loss of Hazel but still have waves of grief that almost overwhelm me and moments of guilt when I try to think if there was anything else I could have done even though it does not really matter any more.
You have to keep going as the alternative would be totally devastating for your daughter and grand children and I am pretty sure that Brian would not want you to give up, I have said this before there is one small positive from all of the pain and grief we suffer and that is neither Brian or Hazel will ever have to suffer in the same way a small positive but one that I have clung onto since I lost hazel.
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Hi John. How are you this weekend? Your relationship with Hazel sounds so lovely. Did you meet at school? You had a long time together ,But as you said you both wanted more time, Life really is so unfair at times I understand about the cushion, I’m staying at my brothers can’t bear being in the flat without Brian. But I have Brian’s pillow with me .I met Dave when I was nearly 16 First proper boyfriend ,we fell in love I was 18 when we got married he was 21 the next day. We were together 19 years
he fell in love with someone he worked with. It didn’t last but we separated. But we have stayed really good friends. I knew Brian’s wife first the four of us become friends we all had young children .Brian and I were friends he was my best friend we told each other everything we were both unhappy in our marriages ,eventually. Brian moved in 1997
We had know each other since 1981.
He did oftentimes drink far too much which caused problems in all of his relationship’s. I still don’t think he was a alcoholic no sure really. as could stop drinking for months,but only if it was his choice to stop. Your right about the Rugby of course Brian was 5ft 9in and very strong.he said that the game he used to play was very different to the Rugby today. which is why it was so sad to watch him getting weaker he could hardly walk from the bedroom to the loo, he had to use a zimer frame .His 75th birthday was in may his sister bought him a small bottle of champagne, he couldn’t open it. It’s 4 weeks on Monday he died 
It seems as the days go on I’m feeling even more lost and so lonely ,I guess its hitting me this is my life now and I just don’t know how to cope without him.
I wake up in the morning start crying again and often scream very loud in the car
People must think I’m crazy which is really how I’m feeling now. I think this does help taking to other people on here .But I would also like to find somewhere I could meet other people going through the same thing, At least that would get me out .
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Good morning 33-S. I met Hazel in a pub when she was 15 she was with her then boyfriend I was up at the bar and she came up to get a drink and we started chatting and that was the last time for nearly 52 years that we were apart, she never even spoke to the other boy just came and sat with me and we just seem to click cannot really explain what it was but it just seemed to be right.
We got married when Hazel was 19 and I was 21 did all of the usual things had all of the usual early married life ups and downs but but as I said before we never took any problems to bed with us.
I was not exactly the perfect husband as I enjoyed socialising far to much living the rugby club lifestyle to the full, Hazel was the opposite did not drink found the rugby crowd a bit too much hated the smokey atmosphere of the club but she put up with it I suppose we were quite lucky as I was what used to be called a happy drunk, alcohol made me happy I was never aggressive all my fighting was done on the pitch followed by handshakes, grub and another long Saturday afternoon/night.
Brian was quite right the rugby we played was completely different to todays game, today the players are a lot fitter and safety is a huge factor you now have forwards who can almost run down a back, in my day I would have had to stop for a smoke if I had to run more than half the length of the pitch but one of the great pleasures of the game as a big forward was tackling one of the backs or wings who was in full flight almost breaking him in half (tackling rules were a lot more lenient then).
Hazel put up with a lot from me but eventually I calmed down gave up smoking and drinking about 25 years ago I suppose we were lucky or should I say I was lucky we never came to a point where we felt that it was not working and were always devoted to each other I always managed to speak to Hazel every day even when I was working abroad it cost my employer a small fortune in phone calls from a satellite phone which was supplied for emergency use, the longest we were apart was 18 months when Hazel looked after her 96yo father who had been diagnosed with prostate cancer but of course thees days with the internet we video chatted every day.
It is over 3 months since we lost Hazel and one of the things I find the most difficult is not having somebody to chat to during the day I miss her company terribly, I hate weekends because everybody around me is happily enjoying their weekends, seeing older couples walking together makes me really sad as it should be Hazel and I just walking our old age away but then I feel bad because I am almost begrudging other people their happiness.
I cannot really complain I was so lucky I had nearly 52 years with the most wonderful person you could ever meet but another 10 would have been nice but to quote Hazels favourite saying “it is what it is” so I carry on knowing that Hazel would be really annoyed to see me in my current state it is getting easier but it still hurts like hell, the grief can be a bit overwhelming at times but it dissipates and then a semblance of normality returns until the next memory hits, the memories are still there and will always be there but they are becoming easier to live with so keep on going who knows what the future holds for you my future is pretty well mapped out.
With regards to meeting people give your local hospice a ring, I have been attending a drop in at a local hospice where everybody you meet fully understands what you are going through, I have found that the hospice movement is probably the best source of help not only for end of life care but also caring for those who are left behind this website being a prime example, reach out and ask and do not be afraid to show your emotions when talking to them they will understand, I am a 70 yo ex rugby player who cries lake a baby at the drop in but everybody there understands. John
Hi John. It was my Birthday last week and my Granddaughters 18 th same day. Her party was last night. That’s the first time Brian’s not been around for my Birthday in other 40 years.
Just about managed to not cry last night at her party. But naturally people asked how I was so some tears. My ex husband and his wife kept me company. But everything just feels so wrong Brian should have been there to celebrate with us. I actually stayed in my flat last night first time in about 7 weeks Just hate being there alone. I’ve never liked the flat looks pretty but it’s not home. The little cottage I lived in when Dave and I were married always felt homely. he says the same. I guess you were meant to go in that pub all those years ago to meet Hazel sounds like you had such a lovely relationship you were very young when you got married.Brian was not a happy drunk If he had been I could coped with that ,he was fine at the Rugby Club or in a pub with other friends, But he would change when it was just us a lot of unpleasant arguments he was the same with his wife. It took him years to be able to control his drinking. But even with all that we still had some good times.
And as I said eventually he just pretty much changed over night about two years ago back to being my Brian very loving and caring again hardly drinking much we were so happy and very much in love again. Then he got cancer we should have had so many more years.I feel the same when I look at other couples I think it makes me feel even more lonely,I miss the little message he would send me with lots of hearts and kisses. I keep looking at them on my phone. Sounds like you had a very busy working life Have you retired .you said you have prostate cancer are you having any treatment yet?.At the moment I’m sitting in the car sending this message
I just don’t know what to do with all this time alone I’ve not a clue what to do without him can’t stop crying .The only thing I want is to be with him. I tried going to a drop-in cafe for people who have lost someone. Just not sure if it helps .The way you write is actually very similar to Brian
I’ve had a phone conversation with the hospice not sure if it helps .Just can’t see a life when Brian is not in it . He was a very emotional man who would also cry .
Jo
I am so sorry for your loss. How are you coping?
Hi Cat6
Thanks for your message. Not very well sadness and utterly devastated .I’ve never experienced anything like this before. How about you?
Do you mind me asking what happened!
Jo there is life, in truth it is not the best life but we need to make the most of what we have, I am sure that Brian like Hazel would want you to live your life to the full I know it is really difficult and it all seems to be a waste of time but trust me it is still worth living, think of the pain your girls would go through without you, life is difficult without our partners but there are still people who love you and need you as you are the link to what has gone before and almost certainly their guide to the future.
I was lucky to be a happy drunk never caused me to be nasty but that seemed to lessen the reason to stop until one day I realised that I was bordering on alcoholism and did to have a drink from that day onwards, I did the same with smoking just stopped and never smoked again and this was 25 years ago I still get cravings but have luckily never relapsed.
It was my birthday at the beginning of June and I actually received three cards but none from my son and daughter as they thought it would upset me too much and guess what they were right, then it would have been our 47th wedding anniversary at the end of June got through that ok next hurdle will be next month when it would have been Hazel 67th birthday and I must admit I am not looking forwards to that.
This whole thing is so hard and so personal everything seems to be insurmountable as the only thing we really want is our partners back, I try to be as positive as possible but it is not easy the slightest thing sets me off so I breath deeply and try to remember the good things and it does help, I know Hazel would not want me to be as sad as I am and I try to honour that but it easier said than done.
Please try and talk to people and watch the video, they tell me that counselling is not a good idea until at least three months have past but I would if I was you try and talk to a counsellor .
I really hope that things get better for you and I really feel your pain and. John
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Cosmiclove I don’t like the voice on the meditation sounds totally false and artificial but more than happy to explore what else you can offer because I am nothing very well with the loss of my wife last Monday after 34 years of an amazing loving marriage
Nedh, my deepest sympathy to you I feel for you and know only to well what you are going through at this time. John