A little hope perhaps

Losing a partner
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I have just read posts from two respected members of this community about positivity. I would reply to those posts but the thread was closed - yet again for people turning on other members - open again now but the heated discussion continues. There is no place on this forum for aggression or lectures - one of the reasons I stepped away a while ago. But like many I return yet again for I relate to so many of you and if I can offer something of use to others who have lost their beloved partners and maybe a little hope for I lost my wonderful husband over 17 months ago. So my grief is still fresh but no longer raw. I appreciate that not everyone will resonate with me - but I took a lot of comfort from other posters in my early days of grief- especially those alluding to a little light at the end of the tunnel. I know I will always miss and love my husband and I have many moments of sadness but also am so grateful for the wonderful 40 years I had with Gary and am so fortunate that my two adult children are there for me all the time - and who share his sense of humour. So there is still laughter in my life and I know I am precious to them as they are to me.
I was going to write a poem - but I know he would have laughed for laughter was the music that accompanied us throughout our lives together. So to me it is important that we still laugh when we remember the special person he is (not was - is) for he still lights up our lives with his sense of humour.

Things are just things - but so many bring back memories - some really hurt but some are bitter sweet.

The noise of the hairdryer - cocooned in the sound I can cry alone unheard by those who care
But it makes me smile as he called it the noise gun on the mornings he could stay in bed.

The battle over the family lunch - who he would ask made the best roast potatoes?
But now he is missing from the table they just don’t taste the same and they never will - where is the fun when you are the only one in the competition? But feeding the ones we hold dear is a demonstration of love and care.

His coat hanging on the stand in the hall looking as it always did but empty and forlorn
Like my life is without him - pockets empty of coins. The only thing in the inside pocket a stone given to him on a beach many years ago by his little princess.

Tackling a spider without his size 9 in hand - nothing like a man’s shoe in defence
He would not have helped much - just handed me the shoe with a shrug of his shoulders!

The end of the sofa that was his - how did he manage to squash the cushions like that - vacant now, but what would I do to have him there holding tight to the remote control - it is a man’s prerogative you know.

The photo where he is smiling into the camera breaks my heart - for I will never again see him sitting in his favourite spot by the harbour on a sunny day - enjoying a beer and listening to the live music - which was his skill for he could make a guitar talk.
The news I need to share with him about the triumphs of the day - how the children are doing
The pride he would express to the point it would embarrass them. So I pray he knows how much they love and miss him - just like me. For he loved and cherished us and made us the centre of his world - and now our world is not the same .

We laugh - we laugh a lot - but not in the same way - he was the main man - the joker the one with the quickest wit.

The way my eyes fill with tears when I take two coffee cups out of the cupboard -
then have to put one back - but I will use his for it seems right - and I clasp it that little bit tighter and remember the copious amounts of tea he could drink.

The emotion I feel buttering a toasted teacake as I recall the last time we shared one with a cup of coffee in Tescos while we waited for the RAC - and he cursed the car for breaking down.

How I look at the crane at the end of the car park - which he would use to get his bearings
For he could get lost in a paper bag - and how when the children were younger we used to sing that song ‘I am the wanderer ‘ when he made it back to the car eventually.

His special name for me - no one ever has or ever will call me that - it was his name and his alone - Now I just answer to the boring one that every knows

My heart still hurts with missing him and I believe it always will - that feeling in your chest, a strange pain as if you cannot catch your breath - It is a hollow feeling that nothing will fill but where it was there all the time at the beginning there are days now when it has faded.

So many memories, so many silly things that trigger my tears.
Things that really are only special to me.
The wish, the hope I have got it all wrong and he is having a crafty nap upstairs.

For despite the reminders that happen every day and still hurt I am learning to live without him
I draw comfort from talking and listening to others - for it deflects my pain.
He always used to tease me for taking the part of the underdog
But there are so many kind gentle people who care.
They are not there all the time but they are there

Beautiful things lift the soul - as does a kind deed or word. I hope that sometimes my words help others. For they say to give is better than to receive - and I hope that will be my mantra. I know he would approve for he was a kind generous man who cared about those who have nothing - he would always give not just money but a few words or time.

Our home was always open house - full of love and people, waifs and strays. Not a big house but a house in which our love extended to others. One of the nicest things a friend said was I want a house just like this one where you can feel the love in the walls. How nice was that. Sadly that person died when he was very young and never got his wish.

There will never be another in my life - but I take the feather that floated down in front of me a few moments ago and say thank you love - for I feel him close . I know that he would be so sad if he thought I was sad for I know he feels guilty for leaving me. So for him I will make the best of things and cherish our children, the lovely house we had and those special memories and try and make something of my life for him. For I have loved him and will love him forever.

With apologies for the essay. I write as if I am talking - and you would have to ask him how good I was at that !!

Take care all xx

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Hi TrishaF
Your words resonated with me as they will for many.
It took me a long time to read because I had to keep removing my specs to dry the tears. :broken_heart:

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That is beautiful. It made me cry but it was so true in many ways. Thank you, Ann

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Thank you both for your messages . There is so much I want to write about him. We grieve them because we love them.

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Keep writing! You couldn’t pay him a better tribute. I wish I had your talent.

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Trisha, beautiful sentiments, Gary would and is, really very proud of you.

a very profound post that will resonate with most on here, myself included, far too much emphasis has been extended to negativity, without hope we flounder, without that flickering light, however bright or dim at the end of the long tunnel that lies before us, we have no direction, to deliberately blow this light out, for me personally, would be like saying my husband, Alan’s life didn’t matter. when it did and still does.

So a huge applause to you for your beautiful and eloquent post

hope today has been an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen🦋

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Hi Trisha what a wonderful essay as you call it. What wonderful words for all of us, They made me cry but but so true in every way. You have a special talent and I do so hope you keep writing on here to help us all. xxxx Carol xxxxx

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Trisha, what a lovely post. And I cried too, all so true and heart rending. Thank you xx

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I feel as if I know you and your wonderful husband. My darling man has been gone just over a year. We were married 47 years. He was kind and funny and killed my spiders. I ache just trying to carry on breathing now he is gone. So many funny and also lovely memories that WE shared popped into my head as I read each one of YOUR anecdotes. Your memories gave me goosebumps and made me laugh. I want to say something that sounds disloyal to my darling man. It is simply this - that there will never be another love for me either, but I ache to be held close and soothed of my fears. But the only one I want to hold me is gone… My children still mourn deeply and find it hard to come to our house now. I want the raw grief to ease and come to terms with his loss, but after a year I’m scared it never will. Your story gave me hope. Thank you.

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Thank you for such beautifully expressed thoughts, a gift for so many that have experienced the same kind of life. We too had a house open to others, our love expanding to others, stretching meals, yet content to be just two inbetween.
Thank you so much, x

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Hi, Trisha. What a lovely and such a thoughtful post. Yes, as with others, it brought tears to my eyes. (Guys don’t cry!! They do you know). You just about summed up in such lovely words how we all feel. Empathy is not all that common, but you sure have it. There is nothing more to say. Your ‘essay’ stands alone for all to read who are going through this pain. Thank you so much. John.

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How damaging that was, boys being brought up to believe that boys don’t, and shouldn’t, cry. I know Malc suffered badly at boarding school. Thank goodness there’s so much more understanding and openness around this.now and you lovely men on here are men enough to talk openly about it . .Being unashamed to weep is very manly and tears are so cathartic, xx

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Hi there Trisha
A very inspirational post, so thank you. Please, please, don’t ever apologise. I hope it helps those newly bereaved and gives them hope for the future.
My husband coats are still hanging up also and I wear them myself when out walking, Full big but who cares.
That numbing pain is not so painful now and I am grateful for the time we had together.
Keep writing.
Pat
xx

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Thankyou Jen
Every word so very true. Keep aiming for that flickering light is my sentiments also. Sometimes I wander away from the direction I am trying to go but I can now get myself back on track much quicker now.
Hope is a very important word.
Pat xxx

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Hi Trisha,

Your words really resonated with me. It’s been one year today for me and life will never be as good as with my amazing husband but I’m learning to live a different life. It’s so helpful to read posts like yours so thank you for that.

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Hi Trisha --your post made me think. I use to make David a coffee every morning at 5am and I so miss that and have often put the kettle on automatically and then remembered he won’t be having one and while shopping looking at the pink finger buns (his favourite) but then remembering that hes not here. More tears! You made me laugh remembering David sitting on his corner sofa chair with the tv remote channel surfing like you say a man thing-lol. We all have such alot of memories and we all so miss our best friend -thank you for writing such a beautiful thought provoking post x

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Yes bjane. I was brought up by a mother who instilled that into me. The ‘stiff upper lip’!! Only girls and women cry. Oh yeah!!! When my wife died I cried buckets, and, as you so rightly say, it is cathartic. But surely we must realise that it’s Natures way of relieving stress? Men have, on average, a feminine side. We are all about twenty percent of the opposite gender, if you see what I mean. There is a masculine side to most women just as there is a feminine side to men. If only more men would accept that and allow the feminine attributes of love and caring to come thorough. But that would be ‘sissy’ and just not allowed. :roll_eyes: It’s not by chance the majority on here are women. They are not afraid to express their emotions.
You are all lovely ladies, and I admire you all for your courage in such difficult circumstances. My wife was a strong woman. She gave me so much love and support, unlike my mother, I am sad to say.
Take care. John.

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John, it’s so sad that such an attitude still persists . You lovely men on here are hopefully giving the green light to others to open up and express their true emotions . Experiences in formative years can cause untold inhibition which is so damaging , I’m glad you had your lovely wife to guide you and give you the confidence to let it all out. I hope I helped Malc in the same way. Have a good day x

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Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. These memories keep coming at us. Just this morning I watched a programme and the presenter was wearing a dark blue shirt and remembered Gary having one the same and how the blue made his eyes look bluer! One of his favourite shirts that he wore and wore.
Take care all and wishing you smiles through the tears.
xx

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And to you Trisha. Smiles and tears, will we get a rainbow do you think? Those little reminders just keep popping up don’t they , catching us by surprise. Take care and keep looking for those rainbows! x

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