A message to the unbereaved...

Hello Unbereaved Partner

I see you out and about, often in couples, laughing and happy in easy companionship. Little looks of love and contentment. Good for you. Savour these times.

I had that once.

I look at you and feel not jealousy - not at all. Just dread . Just dread at what lies ahead for you. You. Have. No. Idea. About the tornado that will hit you when your partner dies. This is a very genuine feeling of fear for you.

People like you may well say now, to people like me “oh, time is a great healer” or “it will get easier” or “he would want you to be happy”. Please don’t. Please just don’t opine on my grief or my situation when you have NO IDEA what you are talking about. Just don’t.

And also, for the record. We have all read that book. So please don’t ask me “how are you doing [pause for effect] today?”

I am doing today pretty much as I was yesterday.

If you must know - grief is an ocean, with currents and waves that pull you along, drag you under, throw you high, and - here’s the thing - there is no predicting when any of it will happen. Like today. I was fine one minute and distraught the next. Grief is a mess. It is a mess with added, invisible, razor wire. It comes for people. All the time.

That’s why I feel comfortable here with Sue Ryder. With others who know and understand things like time is not necessarily a great healer and, no, things aren’t getting easier and or for some people, actually, they feel guilty that their partner died and they think he or she might have died disliking them for being well - and all kinds of tough stuff like that.

This message, if nothing else, is shared to warn you about the future you face. And to advise you to love, love, love with all your might. To forget silly disagreements over how to stack the dishwasher. To make that call you have long put off. To make an effort to see someone you have neglected. Oh, and yes. Get your affairs in order. Do the Will, ok? Do the Lasting Power of Attorney. Do these things now. Make sure your marriage administration is straight (details of bank accounts, passwords to accounts, which supplier is running what) so the one left behind can deal with the administration without total torment and guesswork while grief is doing them over.

Sorry to be such a party pooper on a sunny Sunday. But better you know. I wish I had.


A Grieving Widow


Hi Vancouver
Very powerful word’s and so very true,I couldn’t have said it better it better myself, sending you lots of :sparkling_heart: and :pray: Martin xx


:sparkling_heart: I feel your pain, my love to you X X


Hi. So so true our lives are just a mess now . I said yesterday it’s like our lives have been torn up and put in a bag and shook up then we try and put them back together like a jigsaw but there is a piece missing xtake carex


Very strong words and very relevant (unfortunately).
Thank you :heart:xx


You know, every time I hear my friends and family arguing or cross with their partners or spouses that’s exactly what I thought too. Just love each other with everything you have because regret adds to the pain.

I’m in the process of decluttering so that my children aren’t left with lots of unnecessary stuff to deal with. My mum did the same after my dad died. Now I know why. I just wish I had understood what she was going through. Now I know.


Reading your messages are how I feel I get so angry with people telling me it will get better they don’t have a clue I get cross when people complain about their other halves when they loss them they will know how it feels without them
It does help to know that I am not alone we the thoughts that I have sad for you all x


Oh how I wish I could have prepared for what was to come. How I wished we had talked more about dying instead of pretending it would never happen. There are so many things I wish I had your opinion on and I don’t even know if you were a real believer as it was a taboo subject.
Now I am left in Limbo. I just wish I knew what you would have wanted me to do.
It is so so hard to talk to others about grief when they have not experienced it.
I just miss him so much.


Hi I’m Martin I know exactly what you mean, I was in denial with my Beautiful Lucy diagnosis of pancreatic cancer,it’s a long story, please see my post’s,I really do feel for you and thousands of people who are going through the same thing as us,I’m always here if you want to talk, Sending you lot’s of :sparkling_heart: and :pray: Martin xx


Hi Vancouver

Thank you for posting this message, it is so true. I have a file with all my important paperwork and my will. I have even chosen the music for my funeral as I regret that I never had that discussion with my husband… Sending you lots of love


Wow, this is so true, I too don’t look at others with jealousy, I just look on and want to say savour and enjoy every possible second together, don’t waste a minute, don’t give one day away. because when grief comes calling those are times you will constantly think about, if only you’d not gone out etc we would have had more time together, I feel sorry for them knowing what they will have to go through. This is something you just wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Take care everyone x


Hi Mandy, I too have put all my paperwork in order, have my funeral paid for and chosen music etc.
I written letters to both my children letting them know where everything is, where to find my passwords, my will and all other paper work they might need also telling them how much I love them and how proud Doug and I are of them.
My house is now on order, so when it is my time I can happily join Doug again. :heart:


Debbie it’s good to read your message you are a strong person I have felt I need to get the house sorted my paper work is in order I have to write letters for my children they will be sad when it’s my time but they know that I will be out pain and happy to be together as one again it’s hard feeling half person xx


Oh my goodness did this resonate. I wish I could stress to all my friends… Appreciate, really really appreciate your spouse and all they do for you. Love them with every inch of your being, listen to them, spend quality time with them and do not waste time on petty disagreements. Sending love to you all :slightly_smiling_face:


Lets clarify something here, “time” is not a healer, things do not get better with time, its what you do with the time that matters and at this period of my life I have no interest in doing much at all, i sleep. i eat, i work. THATS IT, so time will not heal my pain.


I totally agree time will not heal how can it when we are Brocken just waiting game doing best we can take care people tell me to be kind to ourselves not sure how that works but copping in a different way such a lonely path even if we have family which I do and are grateful for but still feeling very unlucky to have lost my soul mate too early


How this post made me sob. When my lovely John died I saw couples everywhere and I would flee as I couldn’t stand to see them together when I couldn’t be with my love. People have been wonderful, kind and supportive but they don’t know what it is like and over the last 19 weeks since he has gone they have gradually gone back to their own lives. “You know where I am if you need me” but unfortunately I can’t tell you how horrendous life is and has been without John by my side. I think it must be some human self-preservation thing that we are in ignorant bliss and don’t understand what it is like to loose someone you love. I think the pain would be too much. I currently have Covid (for the first time) and I feel completely isolated and alone. People have phoned but I haven’t seen anyones face since Saturday. I’ve just sat on the floor in John’s office and told him how much I love and miss him and wish he was still here with me.


Hi lady11
I hope you get better soon, and I am sorry for your loss.
I’ve just recently got over covid for the first time.
Being isolated gave me time to think and grieve for the life I had with my husband and all that I have lost.
For me it’s seeing couple that are unhappy, arguing that upsets me most. I just want to shout at them, be kind, love each other, talk, hug, kiss, make up, stop the cross words. You never know what tomorrow could bring and it could be too late.


Hi Debbie57
How true :heavy_heart_exclamation:
I feel so lucky that I found a ‘good one’ and we loved each other very much. :heart:


Morning Lucy
Thanks for sharing messages with us on here reading them helps but all so sad for us hope you are feeling better covid is still all around I had it two weeks ago for first time missed my love one so much with would have been happy just two of us getting through it I feel people do give up on us they get on with there lives we are left to get on with life that we don’t want
Take care x