Hello Unbereaved Partner
I see you out and about, often in couples, laughing and happy in easy companionship. Little looks of love and contentment. Good for you. Savour these times.
I had that once.
I look at you and feel not jealousy - not at all. Just dread . Just dread at what lies ahead for you. You. Have. No. Idea. About the tornado that will hit you when your partner dies. This is a very genuine feeling of fear for you.
People like you may well say now, to people like me “oh, time is a great healer” or “it will get easier” or “he would want you to be happy”. Please don’t. Please just don’t opine on my grief or my situation when you have NO IDEA what you are talking about. Just don’t.
And also, for the record. We have all read that book. So please don’t ask me “how are you doing [pause for effect] today?”
I am doing today pretty much as I was yesterday.
If you must know - grief is an ocean, with currents and waves that pull you along, drag you under, throw you high, and - here’s the thing - there is no predicting when any of it will happen. Like today. I was fine one minute and distraught the next. Grief is a mess. It is a mess with added, invisible, razor wire. It comes for people. All the time.
That’s why I feel comfortable here with Sue Ryder. With others who know and understand things like time is not necessarily a great healer and, no, things aren’t getting easier and or for some people, actually, they feel guilty that their partner died and they think he or she might have died disliking them for being well - and all kinds of tough stuff like that.
This message, if nothing else, is shared to warn you about the future you face. And to advise you to love, love, love with all your might. To forget silly disagreements over how to stack the dishwasher. To make that call you have long put off. To make an effort to see someone you have neglected. Oh, and yes. Get your affairs in order. Do the Will, ok? Do the Lasting Power of Attorney. Do these things now. Make sure your marriage administration is straight (details of bank accounts, passwords to accounts, which supplier is running what) so the one left behind can deal with the administration without total torment and guesswork while grief is doing them over.
Sorry to be such a party pooper on a sunny Sunday. But better you know. I wish I had.
A Grieving Widow