It’s been two months almost to the day that my husband, Carl, passed and just a few weeks since I lost our elderly dog. I keep getting told that I’m doing really well and coping brilliantly. I guess to some extent that I am. I’m back at work full time (though off for the Bank Holiday) , getting up each morning and “putting my face on” (makeup), tidying the house, meeting up with family and friends and exercising. BUT…I’ve been dreading this long weekend. A long weekend for us would have meant long dog walks, pub lunches and then just grunging at home together, watching films, laughing til our stomachs ached at stupid YouTube dog videos, maybe meeting with family/friends or just being perfectly, comfortably content just being in each others company. This long weekend (and there’s still a day to go!) just seems sooooo long. Family and friends have been amazing, including me in all the events of the long weekend, offering me the choice of staying over at theirs or even them staying over with me, but I know I have to get use to being in the house on my own, so I’ve declined. I know I’m probably so much luckier than some in having this support network and I don’t in any way underestimate it or not feel rediculously grateful for it, but I still feel so devastatingly alone. I then feel really guilty for feeling this, knowing that not everybody has support and subsequently feel angry with myself for being ungrateful. I just feel so broken and scared that this feeling will never subside, I just miss him so bloody much that my whole body hurts. This long weekend is so painful. I know there are many others most likely feeling the same….sending love to you all xxx
Hi Nicci, I understand perfectly it doesn’t matter how much exercise, work or appointments I make the feeling of being totally alone in the world full of people is unbearable. It doesn’t matter if you are in an empty park or a shopping centre packed to the hilt the feeling of loneliness is there. I suppose it’s so bad because it is the exact opposite of how we felt before.
Wishing you all the best
Tom 
I lost my fiancé 9 days ago and we had planned to have a big Easter lunch with the kids and his family, he has a big Italian family so lots of people should’ve been round and we were going to share the news of our engagement with those we hadn’t told already, having to go through the motions of the “Easter bunny” and other things with the kids has almost broken me but I have soldiered through with the war paint on so to speak, inside I’m missing him so desperately and so wish he was here. His family are also feeling the devastation of losing him unexpectedly and at such a young age so all plans have been put aside. Like you, everyone around me is constantly telling me how well I’m doing etc but inside im just counting the days until hos final goodbye and dreading the weight of that when it finally arrives. Take care of yourself and take the support when you need it, don’t be too brave if you don’t feel it, I’m not very good at being alone myself.
Regards
Kate
Hi Kate, what can I say you must be feeling devastated in a whirlwind of emotions. The feeling of being ripped apart was something I couldn’t have imagined with going through it myself. I hope you are recieving plenty of support. I’m wishing you all the strength you need during these early days.
All the best
Tom
Thanks Tom, it’s just the loneliest place on earth as so many people on here can relate to, losing anyone is awful but to lose the love of your life/soul mate/ spouse whatever is just a feeling no one can prepare you for, we all have slightly different stories but they all culminate the same way. I have had people say so many times “I can imagine how you feel” and the truth is they can’t. I have so much empathy for yourself and others that have lived through it.
I’m trying just to take each day as it comes and find humour in anything I can, some days it’s “if I don’t laugh…..”
I hope you’re doing well
Kate x
Oh Kate, I’m so sorry for your loss, it must be so raw still. I can’t imagine how you’ve managed to stay strong getting through Easter. Wishing you all the love in the World moving forward. Stay strong, I guess that’s all any of us can do xxx
Well Kate I think you’ve done amazing well just to keep it together. I know you have your children to think of but it’s still important to look after yourself.
Sending you a big hug
Tom
Hi Kate
So sorry for your loss. I lost my with on the 21st March from a short illness with pancreatic cancer she was 46. We have 4 lovely children that I adore and we will support each other on this horrible journey so many of us on this site are going through. It’s the loneliness that no one understands unless they have lost their partner that’s the main reason I have joined this group. I have a wonderful support network but when I am with them it makes me feel sad,angry & more alone that Sophie is not there with us,people think being in company will make me feel better but it’s the opposite if that makes sense? I know they mean well but I can’t stop these feelings. We have Sophie’s celebration of life on 2/5/26 and I don’t know if I can cope with being centre of attention and putting in a brave face but it’s something we all have to do but no one there will understand how I feel inside. I hope you find peace as are partners would only want us to be happy again one day. If you need a chat feel free to message me even if it’s to rant, scream or hopefully one day smile again.
Danny
Hi Kate, Danny, Nicci, Tom thinking of you all and your thoughts and feelings totally resonate. My Pauls funeral made me incredibly anxious (like the feeling when you have lost a child in a public place and suddenly panic) but actually it was a lovely occasion - I really struggled the day or two after though which was unexpected as I naively thought things would get easier.
After keeping myself really really busy I have given myself some time over this weekend to potter round the house and have some thinking time - also to physically recuperate as everything is so draining.
Kate how sad you are missing the Easter meal and hope you still keep in touch with your fiances family as they will help you heal over time. People say how well you are doing because they dont know what to say I think.
Danny hope your children will keep you busy on the day. Fuss over them and hopefully the attention will divert (I found that people focussed on Pauls daughters and chatting to each other which was helpful).
Keep as strong as you can and yes lets hope we all smile again. Thank goodness for this site Nikki x
Hello Nikki
Yes you’re right all we can do is keep busy and use all the support around us as that’s all we have. I do believe time is a healer and need to keep that belief as it’s going to be the only thing to get me through this.
Have a nice bank holiday
Don’t think of the funeral as a final goodbye. For me it was just a process, a day to get through. It will be full of emotions but that’s ok and you’ll get through it. I’m six months into my grief journey now. I’ve never said a final goodbye to him and I never will. He’s part of my DNA now.
O my, your so spot on, I don’t like weekends anymore, especially the long ones. I’m sorry for your loss
No they have gone from the two days you enjoy most to the two days you dread
Hey Nikki, yes agree, thank god for everyone on here! It does make me feel less alone and that I’m not going completely mad; I hope it makes everyone else feel the same/similar too. @Horhey and @collierd1 ….thank you for sharing that you ‘get it’, I thought maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity, whilst at the same time being horribly ungrateful for all the support that I’ve been receiving. I hope we will all find a way to look forward to weekends/downtime again and not just dread them. I find when I’m living ‘in the moment’ that I’m ok, but if I think about the past or the future, I break. Sending love and thoughts to all 
x
Hey Danny, I’m so very sorry for your loss and I agree totally with what you say. It’s just so difficult for others to understand the abject pain unless they’ve been through it. I use to try to empathise with people I knew who had lost a loved one but now understand it’s virtually impossible to comprehend the sheer feelings of desperation, all engulfing pain and loneliness until it happens to you. I think that is what helps being here, on this site, you know that others do get it. I also agree that we have a duty to our lost loved ones to carry on and persevere, it is what they’d want of us . I still give a running commentary to my husband about what I’ve achieved throughout the day and reassure him that I’m trying my best. Wishing you so much love and thoughts for the Celebration of Life at the start of May, you WILL get through it, stay strong x
Hello Norma1,
“,he’s part of my DNA now”. That is the way I feel about my husband who died last Saturday, 4.4.26. I too will never say a final goodbye. I was married to him for 50 good years and will never forget him nor fail to honour his memory. We have yet to have the funeral, and in the midst of truly crushing grief, I have a lot of administrative work to do, which only starts with the production of the death certificate.
I am concerned that the funeral and seeing him reduced to ashes in an urn will make it so unbearable for me that I am plunged into mental health crisis. It is bad enough now, with his body still in the hospice mortuary. I really cannot believe that he is dead. Although I was present at the death, somehow I cannot quite believe it. I hope that I will get through it, but doubt my capacity to do so,
I cannot bear to stay in the house, and yesterday I went on a 4-mile country walk, a walk I had done many times with my husband, This “triggered” me. I felt a pang of grief and deep and respect those who reguarly face the mortality of others. I could not help thinking about his death, which I had witnessed. The first pause in breathing, and then several seconds later, a final breath. This final breath, I feel, will “haunt” me forever. I reflected that it was good that in what had preceded this final phase of his life, I had stroked his arm, told him that I loved him and would always remember him and would not have missed a single year of our 50-year marriage. I also told him that he was a good man, despite the many difficulties he had had over the course of his life. I think that he heard my words, as he died peacefully - something that was remarked on by more than one of the hospice nurses.
After his demise I held a vigil for him, remaining awake all night (he had died at 10.10 p.m.). The staff on the ward were very kind, taking turns, one by one in providing emotional support to me throughout the night. They accompanied me into the room we had occupied and in which his body now lay many times, as I did not want to do this alone. Finally as the night was ending, I did re-enter the room alone. I pulled down the sheet and blankets and pulled his gown up and kissed him on every part of his body from head to toe, replacing the gown and bedclothes afterwards. I felt that it was the only fitting thing to do, thanking him for every aspect of our married life as a couple, and saying a final goodbye. Shortly afterwards my son and daughter arrived to take me home. I did not want to go home as there were many things of his there that made it seem as though he had just walked out of the door and would return at any minute, I was tempted to make one more visit to him, but did not.
Since that time, my son and daughter have been very supportive, even though due to their own life commitments neither has been able to be by my side. I also acknowledge that they each have their own feelings to process. I miss my husband more than words can say and feel a total desolation at his passing. Evenings and night-times are the worst. I do not want to climb the stairs into a bedroom where there now will always be an empty pillow. It is hard to sleep and I feel a gnawing anxiety that I cannot place. I feel homeless and rootless in the world now, as if I have been pulled up by the roots and left to the mercies of a fast-flowing current about to plunge over the rapids. I really cannot express how I feel.
I am trying to deal with loneliness/isolation and the feeling of rootlessness by contacting organisations and signing up for bereavement support events. But right now I feel surrounded by a host of well-meaning strangers. This I find, is destabilising and contributes to my feeling that my entire world has been trashed and destroyed, I have no power, no agency and I am terrified.
Sorry for going on for so long, but I had to get this down.
Thank you nooca
Sorry for your loss all of us on this site are in the same boat just getting through the day. I am finding myself losing my temper more as the days pass and feel like I am letting my wife down and the kids I just don’t know what to do.
I am dreading the 2nd of may being the centre of attention at my wife’s celebration when no one will understand the real pain you go through when the one person you spent all your time with is no longer there. I hope you find some level of happiness one day.
Many thanks
I’m so sorry for your loss, I understand all those emotions. The loss is devastating, the void left by their passing enormous. It’s good you have your son and daughter. Lean on them for support if you can. It’s one day at a time I m afraid. Even now at six months I can’t think about the future. Take care and keep posting, we all understand.
Agree, yes, just one step at a time, that’s what I’m doing. I’m not thinking too far ahead, just getting through each day as it arrives and trying to feel like I’ve achieved something when I go to bed each night. We will all do this…somehow…some way. Lots of love xxx
Oh my god…this is still so raw for you, I am so, so sorry for your loss. There are no words that can bring comfort right now. My husband died in a hospice as well and I was there when he took his last breath…there is nothing that can prepare you for this and, as you say, it will never leave you. I also know what you mean about leaving his body, this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Apparently (I don’t really remember) , my step daughter said that I asked the nurses why I couldn’t just take home home with me to bury in the garden with his dogs, because that’s what he would have wanted. They’d explained that I couldn’t, but leaving his body there, ripped my heart apart. I know what you mean about the funeral, I was dreading it, but actually, it was beautiful and the love that poured out from everyone there really did help in some ways. I have his ashes at home now and that helps a bit. I’ll scatter them, as per his wishes, but I’ve put some in a beautiful, robust, candle holder urn and light a candle every evening for him. Nothing I or anyone else can say makes this easier right now, but just wanted to say that I totally understand and am sending much love and thoughts to you xx