A year of firsts and lasts.

Looking to the future
#1

Am really feeling the loss of my Mum at the moment.

It is just coming up to the first anniversary of discovering she was terminally ill. From then will be anniversaries of her coming home, not being able to get out of bed and everything that followed. Also so many first times I do things without her, going to concerts, local events, etc.

The lasts for me are the last Spring and Summer in the family home as it has just been sold, (I lived with Mum). Last time I will see certain plants flower in the garden as I cannot take everything with me.

I keep being told I can take my memories with me when I leave the house but it really isnā€™t helping. I make constant lists of everything I need to do and what to take with me and it is so overwhelming. In some ways I am looking forward to moving to a new house that I can make my own but I just wish Mum could have been here to see me do it.

As an aside I find I cannot look at photographs of Mum now without collapsing in tears. At first I was fine and loved looking at them. Has anyone else found this?

#2

Yes Mel iam exactly the same.I cannot look at any photos when my dear daughter was an adult.I can look at her as a baby but only baby ones.I have a 0hoto of her as a baby beside my bed.it a sort of shrine I have made.is is artificial flowers which are also lights a candle and a small Buddha.hugs to you Annette.

#3

Hi Annette,

thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I have been following your posts and have been so sorry to read about your daughter. My heart has been bleeding for you.

I had a photo of Mum by my bed but have moved rooms now and am in her room which I like as I feel close to her. This will be yet another wrench for me not sleeping there when I move. I do like your idea of a small Buddha and will look into one of those for my new garden wherever it is. I have found a house with a small paved garden which if I am successful in buying would look great with a Buddha on the raised bit at the back. I am going to dig up a camellia I gave Mum a number of years back so this also could be part of my ā€˜Mumā€™s cornerā€™. I hadnā€™t thought of this until your suggestion so many thanks for that.

I hope there will be some sort of happier times ahead for you as well as me.
Mel xx

#4

Hello Both - Mel, I can understand your apprehension regarding moving, you must have conflicting emotions. I imagine youā€™ll be taking some photos before you leave. Speaking of photos I was getting a bit unsettled this week as I was now getting a bit upset looking at photos of my Husband and wondering why, so its a comfort to know I am not alone in this. Also yes, the firsts and lasts are making themselves known as well. Like you say, when the condition started, deterioration and hospitalisations as well. Whatā€™s hard also are the lasts when you didnā€™t realise they were going t

#5

Sorry reply got cut off but should have read ā€œgoing to be, kind regards.ā€

#6

A much more pleasing first was the discovery of this forum some months ago and the support I have received ever since. It does help knowing there are others out there who take the time to read and reply to messages. The sadness of course is reading their stories and sharing their suffering.

#7

Hi Mel,
in a very similar and odd situation to you. Moved into a single bed flat on Good Fridayā€¦it is in the same block, but it does not feel like home. there is a sence that something is missing. When I closed the door on our old flat for the last timeā€¦I sad to my departed mother ā€¦ā€œcome on Mum, lets go to our new placeā€. she is with me and your mother will be with you wherever you move to.
I have been told that the move would be a new chapterā€¦it is not. I have a deep longing to move out of this cesspit of a town. there are too many trigger points for me.
I am giving myself 2 years (Iā€™ll be 55 then) to get a job and moveā€¦my mum and Dad will be there with me at all times. Your mum will go with you wherever you go.
I hope you get the house you want and settle in. If you have a garden then plant a few rose bushes in your mothers memoryā€¦she would like that.
be well
Dave

#8

Hi Mel, I have had the same thing with photographs. Itā€™s been three years since my mum died and for a long time I was unable to look at photos or her without being very upset and distressed. It only stopped when I was given a photo of her by my grandfather from when she was in her twenties, a similar age to I am now. That photo I always keep on my bedside whenever Iā€™ve moved which is about four times since mum died and I moved out of my family home. The photo helps remind me that Iā€™m sort of part of her and sheā€™s part of me as everyone always said we look alike. I never really saw it when she was alive but I do in this photo. There are however still photos taken after we found out she was ill that I still canā€™t look at without crying. Maybe if you bare the pain and look through some with someone else who knew your mum you might find one that helps sooth the pain a little. Hope this helps.
Stephen

#9

Hi Mel,

I can identify with how you are feeling. My Mum died in March. It is just gone a year since she was diagnosed with cancer. I lived with her, and was her carer right to the end. Like you and your Mum, we used to go to concerts, theatre, National Trust houses, castlesā€¦you name it, we adventured all over the place. The day before she died we were at a garden centre enjoying a cream tea. I knew she didnā€™t have long. I could see her fading. But the day she died was horrific, and the worst of my life. It wasnā€™t the peaceful end I had hoped for her. So, although I had tried to mentally prepare myself for Mum being goneā€¦I donā€™t think anything actually can prepare you.

The first week after Mum passed was a haze. All the official things to be done kept me busy. Oh, and I had my Grandmotherā€™s funeral too, as sheā€™d died three weeks before Mum. It was the weekend after Mums funeral that I hit rock bottom. Everyone was gone, the cards had stopped dropping through the door, the messages on facebook, and text messages, asking how I was had stoppedā€¦and Mum wasnā€™t there for our afternoon out. Oh my goodness how I sobbed that Sunday afternoon. I could have called a friend, or my brother, but I knew that I had to go through it. It was the worst. I know thereā€™ll be plenty more firsts Iā€™ll have to go through too.

I am not moving, so am staying in the house I grew up in. Part of me envies you moving. I can imagine how hard it will be to close the door of the house on all those memories, but I agree that it will do you good to have a space that you put your own stamp on. Perhaps, if you know the name of some of your Mumā€™s favourite plants, you can get your own for when you move, whether you have a garden, or they can go in a pot, as your own memorial to your Mum.

In regards to the photo thing, I think this is just part of the grieving process. I think youā€™ll be able to look at them again in time, with fondness and happiness. We have to ride these waves at the moment. Hopefully this sea will be less choppy with time. x

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#10

Dear Mel

This is so early for you still and moving house on top of losing your Mum must be impossible. I wish you well in your new homeā€¦ its not a new chapter for you , it was the end of a book you didnā€™t wish to end. Focus on the fact that it will be what you want to make itā€¦ I love my garden but can find no focus to do any ā€¦ why donā€™t you take lots of pictures or cuttings and press them and make a new picture for your new homeā€¦Perhaps one day these pictures and the ones of your Mum will not be so hard to look atā€¦

I wish you wellā€¦

#11

Thank you everyone for replying to me, it has really meant so much the last few days as I have been very low and sad.

An exciting first today, my offer on a house has been accepted so all being well I can create a new garden with a Mum Corner and hopefully find some peace with my situation once settled.

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#12

Thatā€™s good news Mel, Iā€™m pleased for you.

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#13

Thatā€™s good news, about the offer. I think your Mum corner will be lovely, a very fitting tribute. xx

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