About to break down...

I lost my mum 11 days ago. We only managed to register her death yesterday and finalised all funeral arrangements this morning.
My dad, who was admitted into the same hospital as my mum about 2 weeks after, was moved to a nursing home today. The paperwork from the hospital stated that my dad has around 6 weeks to live.
I’m already finding it extremely difficult to cope with losing my mum. I’ve been in autopilot mode so far so I can deal with all the stuff that needs to be done. If I start breaking down crying now, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stop…but now with this news about my dad, I feel like I’m on the brink of a meltdown.
I can’t lose both parents within a matter of months…


Hi Ang, i’m so sorry to hear your news & can understand what you’re saying. I can’t say i know exactly how you feel cos i’ve not been in that position. I’m grieving myself yes but not having dealt with what you are. I do get the auto pilot bit & i think that is a coping mechanism we have to get through, to get things done. I can’t say anyhhing that’ll really help or change what’s happening to you but i’m sure you will get through this. I hope you have plenty of support around you to help you. I’m thinking of you & wishing you well.

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@Scamp1 thank you for responding. It is comforting (but also very sad) that others like you can understand what I’m going through. I appreciate your support xx

Yes, a double edged sword really but it is, what it is. I don’t like it though & you’re very welcome. It is important to have support wherever it may come from. X

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@Scamp1 please share your journey too. I’m usually a very good listener and can offer lots of support to others. Not sure how helpful I can be at the moment as my head is all over the place but still, would love to hear about your journey too…only if you’re comfortable sharing of course xx

No I don’t mind at all. I lost my best friend suddenly in the early hours of the first lockdown 23rd March 2020. We’d known eachother 35 yrs & we went on holiday together & didn’t go home. We found & shared a place together. We came here (Clacton) in 1989 & the last 12 yrs of her life I became her full time carer. Never thought in a million years that, that was going to be our last weekend together. We were great pals, I had/ have no family close & we shared so much. I could rely on her 100%, she was always there for me & got me through some tough times. There’s never a good time to lose someone but on that day. Lost her & then a few hours later we were in lockdown. Me alone, apart from two dogs & thankfully & then trying to sort all that needs to be sorting. Wasn’t the easiest of times & i was broken. My life was turned upside down & I felt that when she needed me the most I failed her. I couldn’t save her, the guilt was & even now sometimes huge. I still turn to talk to her, expect her to walk into or be in the room still. Can’t get used to cooking for one. Don’t enjoy going out on my own, we went everywhere together & it isn’t the same, how can it be. Constant reminders which trigger happy emotions but also the sad as she’s gone. I’d give up all my material things in life & have her back in heartbeat if i could. I think some think it is or it should all be ok for me by now but it isn’t. Will I get there? Who knows! All I do know is if I didn’t have the doggies, not sure i’d be here & certainly not as good as I am. I have to look after them, it isn’t their fault eh? They saw one mum go, they can’t lose another. Oh well I think i’ve waffled enough, thanks for asking. Take care.

@Scamp1 I’m so sorry for your loss and for the difficult journey so far. Losing a best friend is extremely hard. My siblings and I are not close at all, so growing up, I’ve always treated my close friends as family. Close friends understand us in a different way to family members. I can imagine losing a close friend can feel crippling. My close friend from secondary school passed away in 2020 also and I was devastated. I suddenly realised that all the secrets and silliness that we shared growing up together (we met at age 11 and were inseparable), I was the sole keeper of those memories. No one will ‘get it’ even if I told people about certain things that we did…you had to be there.
I hope you have some other close people around you that you can lean on for support.

Thanks & yes people don’t get it. I feel at times some think, oh it’s only a friend, losing a partner or family member is much worse. Well they’re wrong, like you said, she was my family & will never have that kind of friendship again. You can’t explain it unless you’ve experienced it. The pain in my heart, i can’t describe, that longing & aching was & at times still is unbearable. I haven’t really got anyone to share all this with. A friend who helped in the early days also passed away 7 months later. He was great & really did understand. He was friends with both of us. Others are just too bisy with their own lives & I get that but it doesn’t make it any easier. They’ve never really the time to listen & or when I say oh i’m upset today i get oh she wouldn’t want that. I know that & don’t need to hear that, at that moment in time. I just want them to listen to how I feel & at least try & understand it. I feel our dogs understand more than the people at times. Funny old world.

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@Scamp1 I’ve never believed in the whole ‘blood is thicker than water’ bs. The way that my eldest sibling treated me all my life, there’s no way I would save her 1st if her and my close friend were both falling off a cliff! I owe her nothing. She’s made me her enemy from the moment I was born. My close friends however, are there for me 100%. Family, in my opinion, is not defined by DNA but more by unconditional love and understanding.

Oh i can relate to that with my brother. All i can say is he’s evil. We were never close but when my mum became ill the way he & my father were with her was awful. They were horrible with me. My father mentally, my brother verbally & physically. He was was even worse when my father was dying. Ok we had all become estranged from eachother. So now both parents have gone we don’t & won’t have anything to do with eacother. He’s so volatile & violent with me. Was in front of mums death bed & the same at my fathers death bed. No respect for either of them. Me i don’t care about but that was unforgivable bdhaviour at that moment in time. There really is no l9ve lost.

@Scamp1 likewise, I am actually a lot happier without my siblings in my life. They’re all too toxic!

Yes, i’m sad its happened this way but i had to break free, was doing my head in & sometimes on a daily basis coping it! So yes, better off.

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@Ang2 , I’m in a similar situation to you. My mum passed at the beginning of April relatively suddenly. She was admitted into hospital on the Monday and passed on the Thursday and my dad also has terminal lung cancer and is deteriorating rapidly. It’s a very frightening place to be and I can’t quite believe that this time last year I had two parents and now I’m going to have lost both before the year is out.

I don’t have any advice as I think we are all just struggling on, desperately trying to get through each day. I find it a real struggle as I work full time and feel like I literally can’t grieve as I don’t get paid to be off work so I have to battle through 8 hours of hell each day while feeling guilty as I also need to care for my dad as well.

Sending big hugs to you xx

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@MrsY thank you for responding. I’m sorry for your loss and to hear of your dad’s condition. It must be such a horrendous time for you. I would of thought that your work would be more understanding given your situation and let you have some time off. Big hugs back to you xx

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