I lost my 13 yr old brother 2 weeks ago. The past 3 years have been tough since losing both grandparents in 2020 a month apart ,it was june this year that we where able to say some kind of good by to them. I was so suicidal /depressed. My anger had been terrible and i had been violent. Ive been trying to get help but mental health services are crap and havent had much help . The past couple of months i started to do better. And now this has trigger the anger and violence again. Ive tried so hard and have gone out of my way to comfort my dad and step mum but i feel like I’ve just been completley blanked by everyone . Im really trying but i can feel myself losing control and im scared. Because of my depression and anger i cut myself off from everyone including my now decesed brother . I saw 4 people the whole of last year . I could probably count the how many time ive seen him the past 3 years on 1 hand. Im riddled with guilt , i thought i was protecting myself by isolating myself from everyone, i thought i wouldnt hurt so much , but it still kills me inside. I wish others would comfort me, but i feel like my feelings are so invaild, not 1 person has said there condolences to me or checked in on me. I dont think i matter. I can’t forgive myself for seeing my brother. He was disabled and non verbal he was the best little boy in the world and i cant forgive myself for not being the sister he deseved . How to i control my anger at myself and my family. I dont want to do this battle again. I miss him so much.
Hello @TOURMALINE-ONYX, thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother - that is devastating. We have a support page on Losing a sibling which you might find helpful to read: Sibling loss: coping with death of your sister or brother | Sue Ryder
It sounds like the loss of your grandparents and not being able to say goodbye to them at the time has also affected you deeply. You do matter, you deserve help and support, and you are not alone.
I’m sorry that the mental health team haven’t been helpful. Please do think about going back to your GP and explaining what you’ve told us here as they may be able to refer you to bereavement support. You might find our video on complicated grief helpful too.
Another good place to get support is the The Compassionate Friends website. They run siblings support groups which you may wish to explore.
Hopefully someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard.
Take good care