It has been 22 days since my beloved Kathy passed,and I am now in a place that seems hopeless and dark. Her death is a hard enough thing to cope with,but it’s the aftermath that is causing so many sleepless nights and depressing days…the mundane things like the bills, and having to deal with the housing department (who seem determined to make my life as difficult as possible) I can cope with,but our house just doesn’t feel like home now the heart of it has gone and it feels like a cold and barren place…a strangers house,rather than a place of happy memories and security. Maybe the best thing for me to do is pack up and move on because I can’t bear the loneliness without her.
Hello there Chris. I and many others know exactly how you are feeling, we understand as we have all been there and are with you now. I too could cope with the paperwork, I was trained in that work, but it is daunting when you just don’t feel like doing it and the worst thing is having to see bereaved, passed away, died on all the numerous letters and then having to deal with what seem like ‘brain dead’ people on the other end of the line. I became rude after a week or two. Only yesterday I had a go at the phone company who keep sending monthly accounts (which my husband requested) but they won’t take his name off the address. They wanted a death cert. why, the bills are being paid every month from the same account which is now in my name, why can’t they just put my name in place of his. They just said it was their policy. I wasn’t polite, I don’t want to keep seeing my husbands name on letters nearly four months after he died. I informed one company that he had died and they kindly sent a cheque to me. IN HIS NAME. Had to send it back with a covering letter, more unnecessary work. I am still dealing with paperwork 4 months on, forms etc. Banks, Investments, Pensions, Phone companies and many others. I dread the post and wonder what next. Your house will feel empty, mine did and some times still does. I am considering selling but not yet can’t cope with anymore stressful things in my life. I began decorating and this did help, it sort of gave me a bond with the house again. You could just up and run but I fear your grief will un after you, it won’t leave, it will be relentless for a while. I wish I could help you more. I am told it get’s easier. It’s like waves Chris, some are small and some are rough and high. You have to swim through them. I am so grateful when I have small waves to cope with. I am starting to accept my days of raw grief as part of the healing process. Keep posting Chris because we all understand and are or have been in exactly the same position as you.
Thank you for your kind words Pattidot.
I don’t know why,but for some reason this woman from the housing department is being completely heartless and is making my grief into something sordid and dirty and I am a hairs breath away from losing my control completely with her,which is what I think she is deliberately trying to do. But my Kathy would be shaking her head with sadness if she could see the hardships I’m dealing with now, none of which I blame her for. But it feels like some days the whole world is against you and you’re swimming against the tide. But give up?..NEVER!! My Kathy would tell me, Never let the Buggers grind you down, and I won’t.
Hi Chris, I feel your pain. 17 days for me. All of them unbearable really. Every day I try. Some days I achieve something. Some days I don’t. I’m sure running my head in a wall would hurt so much less. In fact, I know it would.
I don’t know what to say to you other than don’t make any major decisions right now, like moving home.
My home is empty too, as am I. But on other occasions my home brings me comfort. So mixed up emotions wise. So mixed up life in general wise too.
The worst time of my life for sure. Unbelievable pain and heartache. Sometimes it’s very real, sometimes it’s like a seriously bad dream I may wake up from and I can’t believe it’s happened.
I can only do one day at a time I’m not capable of anything more.
Not much help to you, Chris but wishing strength for you x
Your Kathy sounds like a woman after my own heart and when I feel that I’ve just had enough of this rotten life I manage to drag out of me that extra ounce of strength and that is what you have to do for Kathy. This woman at the housing dept. sounds like a ‘jobs worth’ and there are too many of them. Find out who her boss is and contact him/her. Make yourself heard. I know you don’t feel like it at the moment, everything is too much trouble, you don’t want the hassle. But make a complaint or threaten her with making an official complaint as you are a man suffering grief and expect some respect at a time like this, pile it on.
My husbands daughters have decided to blank me and I have no idea why, they won’t reply to nice phone calls or letters. I was so hurt and tearful but now I’m annoyed. I cared for him until the end single handed and I have written one more letter to them, asking them just where was they when their father was dying, did they give him any support, so what right have they to treat me like this. No, nicey Pat anymore, and I feel better for it.
What I did each day was pick out a couple of things I had to deal with and did it that day and then moved on to another one or two things another day. I kept a diary of what I was doing and put comments on how things were going. Eventually Chris you will come to the end or near and will be able to take a breather. If you have a hobby or interest then when you feel ready start doing these things again. We had allotments, now I have both of them. I found I could cope with doing the work and it keeps me busy. I can cry there and no one notices. I am also a keen walker and go off into the countryside with my lovely dogs and lose myself. I cry, but I also use up energy as well and it all helps. Brian wanted me to look after the allotments and walk the dogs but anything else and I start to feel guilty that I can still do these things and my Brian can’t. Have to get over this one in time. Take care and god bless. Keep posting, let us know how you are getting on. Keep ‘talking’ here it will help.
Hi Chris 65
I am sorry for the loss of your lovely Kathy. That hopeless dark place is familiar to all of us. It is exhausting and unrelenting and none of us want to be there, but sadly have no choice. I lost my John, my soul mate, lover and best friend on 6 October last year. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in March and we had 6 short months together before he left me. 43 years together and now he is gone. My life has really stopped for the moment as the only energy I have is to get through the day. All the things I did before were with him, for him or around him. I miss him so much and cry every day. As for people making life difficult for you, yea I know about that too. They have probably never been through what we are going through. They have no idea, that there attitude is thoughtless and painful. They are just ignorant. I too get cross, it’s seems to be the only way to get through to some people. We just have to take it one day at a time, and do the best we can do in this horrid situation. I read posts where people say is gets easier to bare and I cling to these words although I can never imagine feeling any different than I do now.
As for packing up and moving on, just give yourself time. It is probably not wise to make big decisions while you are so distraught. I am lucky in as much as although, I desperately miss my John and I am lonely, I do feel close to him in the home we shared together.
Much love from Heather. X
I have seriously considered moving and in all probability will do, when the time feels right. Turning my back on a home which we moved to over 42 years ago will be difficult. Staying would be difficult and will almost certainly get harder as I get older so it seems like an obvious decision to make. I think it will probably take me a year to sort out all the stuff we accumulated over the time we lived here.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for anyone going through what I’m going through and having to deal with financial issues, issues relating to security of tenure or just trapped in the wrong home by disability issues.
For anyone dealing with issues that affect being able to remain in their home I would suggest prompt contact with Citizens Advice Bureau.
Typical…just when I had the right words to post,the damn website threw up an error message and scrubbed my words of wisdom. If it wasn’t so damn tragic it would be funny…
Anyways…after reading your wonderful replies,it’s clarified my thoughts about what to do on Monday. I’m going down to the housing office and confronting Frau Hitler and going over her head to see her boss and ask if it is council policy to browbeat and threaten with eviction someone who is grieving for their partner. Should make for an interesting morning.
What time you going. We’ll all be waiting and we’ll go in with you! How funny would that be! x
I think you will do better to check whether you have the legal right to succeed to a Secure Tenancy. If you don’t have the legal right then there can only be one outcome and the criteria doesn’t allow discretion, particularly if you would be deemed to be under occupying.
Citizens Advice Bureau would be a good starting point, particularly if your name doesn’t appear on the Tenancy Agreement.
Went there last week YorkshireLad,as of 27/1/2019 the Bungalow has been assigned to me on a "Use and Occupation "basis, which means that I have a roof over my head until I am rehoused. The irony of it is,we were 6 weeks away from being married but because the property was in her name and we weren’t married, I have no right of succession. Stupid rule,but nothing I can do about it. What really annoys me though,is when her daughter informed them of her death,they said any outstanding debts on the property died with her but they informed me that they want me to pay over £230 outstanding rent/service charge for a property that isn’t even a tenancy!! So I will be challenging that come Monday too.
I assume the Local Authority will have a strict legal process. I don’t think they will accept “rent” as such. It’s all about the correct terminology and procedures. They have to do things correctly. I don’t think you can be “jointly and severally” liable for arrears of rent if you weren’t a joint tenant. I think an ongoing relationship with an Adviser would be a good idea. Unfortunately the law will be clear and if they have big waiting lists then their hands will be tied in terms of discretion.
If they accept rent from you then get a receipt which clearly states it is rent. That could strengthen your case but I doubt they are that stupid.
I’d advise you to keep a transcript of the conversation. Maybe tape it and stay very cool.
I have an appointment next week at Shelter to speak to an advisor, and they don’t get a penny out of me for a debt on a property that was not in my name. Any monies demanded from 27/ January will have to be in writing and specified as ‘Rent’ before I part with a penny. I may be grieving,but I’m not so dim as to fall for their tricks to get their pound of flesh.
I did a lot of work with a couple of Local Authority departments years ago, helping them to change their way of doing things. I’m amazed how much I picked up.
It’s an unequal contest so make sure you get good advice. Shelter should have a good knowledge of the law and any rights and obligations that are owed to you. Good luck. Keep your cool and you’ll be better for it.
I used to work on the doors Yorkshire Lad, so keeping my cool is the one thing I’m very good at face to face. I know they are trying to goad me in to losing my temper but it won’t work.
Hi Chris, I’m so sorry for your housing problems. I do so hope you can sort it out. Afraid I have no knowledge of this subject so can’t advise but will be thinking of you. Hope you can get the right help as you really don’t want this problem on top of your sad loss of Kathy.
What annoyed me so much Pattidot,was this woman KNOWS I am grieving, but does not care who she upsets…a perfect example of a soulless civil servant (no offence intended to real civil servants who have a heart) who puts her own agenda before anything/one else.
Your so right, I used to work for the Council and saw this sort of thing all the time. I asked, no, begged Social services to help when Brian couldn’t walk. I wanted a blue badge and the road marked outside our house as Brian was too frightened to go out in the car, in case we couldn’t park outside again. His mobility was getting worse by the day and I wanted to get him to the car and take him out, just to drive him around. A little bit of quality in his life before it was too late. I explained all this, sent off all paperwork from hospital but it fell on deaf ears, they didn’t care. I received a letter five weeks after he died giving permission for a blue badge. It had taken them three months. Let us know how you get on. Take care.