All family have died

Hi Viv … thank you for responding. I feel the same like nothing has a purpose any more… doesn’t seem to be anything that makes this bearable. My husband had three weeks in a horrible uncaring hospital ward o we Easter then I got him into the hospice for six days where he received brilliant care. That was a comfort at least. He was worried about leaving me through all the terrible pain and sickness he had. I couldn’t believe it was happening again! It’s shocking. I mainly isolate myself but have got good friends and neighbours who get me out etc. It’s just so hard. I hate doing stuff without him. I can’t sleep the nights are so long.

I dont have words Of advice really either. I thought nothing could be worse than the death of our two sons but this feels way worse. He was such a good man … it’s so not fair. I wish it was me not him.

I try to keep the garden done and try to enjoy it, I try to read, knit, cycle etc can’t focus much. I hope it will get better for both of us in time. I’m here any time if you want to talk. Sending you hugs from me, Sue x

Hi Sue, I am pleased you replied so quickly as I don’t feel so alone now. My husband was in and out of hospital several times before his last week in there when the care was appalling and he said he wanted to kill himself. It was better once he went into the hospice but he seemed to live in an imaginary world most of the time.

I isolate myself a lot too and stay in my ‘bubble’ as I find it hard being with other families as it just reminds me of what I am missing. I do go out with friends and have one friend round for a game of scrabble now and then which focuses my mind. My daughter and her fiancé came to stay recently but it was dreadful when they left as I felt so lonely. I am going to stay with them in September so I am glad she is there.

I like gardening too and find it very therapeutic to get outside when the weather allows. I also read and go walking and enjoy singing in a local choir. I have two indoor rabbits who give me a reason to get up in the morning as otherwise I might just stay in bed some days.

I hope you can soon get some sleep at night as it must make you feel tired during the day. Keep in touch when you feel like it as I am here for you but don’t feel I am much help.
Love & hugs Viv x

Hi Viv … nice to hear back from you.

I got the garden sorted today so thats something. I didn’t shut the freezer properly and it’s all half defrosted. Instead of just getting on and sorting it I just cried … it’s ridiculous. Times like that I miss him so much. At night I hate being on my own too … it’s just that hand to hold and knowing he is there. It’s so hard.

I have friends that call in a couple of times a week and keep trying to get me out for lunch or a coffee … they have been such good friends. They took me to the hospital/hospice every single day and picked me up every single day for the whole four weeks… apart from when my sister was here at weekends. I feel guilty refusing everything so much.

I have my cat, Felix to keep me company. He mopes about looking for him too though.

Take care and keep on trying

Love Sue x

Hi Sue, it’s good to hear from you again but I didn’t read your message until late last night.

I understand about you crying over the freezer defrosting, I get upset when things go wrong and find all the responsibility of running a home on my own quite daunting. I miss having a hand to hold and a hug too…

Felix is a good name for a cat, is he black and white?

I managed to cut the grass yesterday as it actually stopped raining for once. It sounds like you have very good friends and your sister looking after you which is something positive. I try to look at the positives as much as possible and you seem to be coping better than I did in the early days.

Take one day at a time and I am thinking of you.

Love & hugs Viv x

Hi Viv,

I’m glad you got the grass done like I did. Yes Felix is black and white a typical Felix. It has rained a lot here in Lincoln too the last few days.

I have three grandchildren … my eldest son, Pete’s, children. Amber is 18 and set to go to Oxford in September if her results are three A’s. Her dad would be so proud, then Mike who is 15 and calls round on his bike quite a bit, then Lenny who is almost 12 and due to start secondary school September. They are lovely kids… we had them a lot when they were younger. They are growing up now. Mine is an exact replica of his dad in looks, mannerisms, likes and dislikes. It’s hard sometimes.

I hope you have an ok day today. I’m going to do a bit of weeding if the rain stays away and go out on my bike if I can.

Take care … love Sue x

Hi Sue,

Your grandchildren must be a great comfort to you but I understand how hard it must be sometimes with one having similarities to your son but also a blessing to have them around. I hope your granddaughter gets her three A’s for Oxford as you must be very proud of her.

My daughter was expecting a baby with her ex husband about five years ago but her first scan showed no heartbeat so we were devastated for her. She has a lovely partner now who has a 10 year old son from his first marriage. He lives with his mother but stays with them every other weekend. They really want a baby of their own and are having tests as nothing has happened yet but hopefully they will succeed in time.

I like the sound of your bike ride and we bought bikes as it’s ideal for cycling here but we didn’t really use them. I have my car fortunately as this village is a bit cut off though it is not far from the M6 but there are only a couple of buses a week. My nearest M&S and Sainsbury’s are 11 miles away but I am used to it now and have learned to plan my shopping trips.

Tomorrow my friend is coming with me to the Animal Rescue where I go once a month. I take treats for the rabbits as they are overlooked when there are cats and dogs as well. It is a lovely place with a tea room and a charity shop run by volunteers so we usually have lunch there. I like to support animal charities when I can.

I hope you were able to cycle in good weather as it has been showery here again today.

Take care and sleep well.

Love & hugs Viv x

Hi Sue,
Hope you are ok and I am thinking of you.
Love & hugs Viv x

Hi Viv … Thankyou. I’m having a hard few days. Wi ding myself up for Jamie’s birthday tomorrow 4th and Rogers Birthday 5th … they always used to have joint birthdays. I just do t want to do this by myself. I know the days leading up are harder than the actual days but this is so hard having none of them here.

I keep waking up panicking and over breathing etc. So tired as well.

I hope you are doing better. It’s gardening weather but I’m having another cuppa before I do anything. Got someone here cutting hedges and had him here pressure washing the drive etc yesterday… it’s a bit too peopley.

Take care and hugs from me, Sue x

Hi Sue…Thinking of you this next couple of days, it was my Son’s birthday last Saturday and I found that difficult so for you to have both of your Son’s Birthdays together my heart goes out to you…no one should have to suffer the pain that you are going through.
You say you wake up panicking, I know the feeling for ever since Christian died I wake up 05.00 every morning with the most awful panic the only thing which calms me down is to get up and to go for a walk…it seems to be a common symptom of grieving .
Take care of yourself…Big Hug…Marina xxx

Hi Sue,

I feel so much for you and totally understand your feelings. My daughter Jane’s birthday was three days before David’s so we always held a joint party and it has been hard since we lost her. I agree the build up is sometimes worse than the day itself. I used to buy Jane a card in the early years but now I buy a plant for the garden for each one of them I lost as then I have something to nurture and watch grow.I try to find suitable names - I bought a rose one year for Jane called ‘Spirit of Freedom’ which sums her up.It has lovely pink rather downfacing flowers but a wonderful scent. I usually light a candle too but then I light them most evenings.This may help you I don’t know it’s just a thought and gives me something positive to focus on at such awful times.

It doesn’t help if you are so tired as everything gets out of proportion then so maybe you can have a nap in the day?

I did smile at your ‘too peopley’ comment though as definitely feel the same if I have to get tradesmen in!

One of my Mantras is ‘this too will pass’ when struggling more than usual.

I will be thinking of you even more over the next few days and sending positive vibes your way.

Love & hugs Viv x

Hi Marina … Thankyou for replying. Yes the panic seems common does t it. It’s my youngest sons bday tomorrow and husbands the day after … Roger only died 29th April so it’s not long. No doubt I will be a hermit for those two days.

Take care of yourself… love Sue x

Hi Marina … Thankyou for replying. Yes the panic seems common does t it. It’s my youngest sons bday tomorrow and husbands the day after … Roger only died 29th April so it’s not long. No doubt I will be a hermit for those two days.

Take care of yourself… love Sue x

Thank you Viv … I often light candles for them all in the evening too. I have a magnolia tree that the children planted for their Dad, Pete. They hang hearts on it. I have a red rose that someone bought fir Jamie as he loved red. I need to get something suitable for Roger too.

Take care … love Sue x

Hi Sue,

How lovely that the children hang hearts on your magnolia in memory of their dad,

I have been thinking about you all day and just wanted to say you are not alone.

Love & hugs Viv x

Thankyou Viv … how dreadful this is yesterday was bad today is even worse no sleep last night. Dont know what to do with myself. I’ve got that anxiety heaving sickness and a constant headache from crying I suppose. I feel totally out of co tell.

Thankyou for caring. I hope you are doing better and you have a good day … well as good as you can.

Love Sue x

I really feel for you Sue as you must be worn out with no sleep and the sickness which will give you a headache. Maybe you should see your GP as they may be able to help? I’m struggling to know what else to suggest as it is very early days for you to have to cope with these agonising milestones alone.

I have been very lethargic for the last few days forcing myself to do things then going back to bed. I had a health check at the surgery today and everything is normal health wise. I was upset by the nurse though as every time I tried telling her how I felt she kept comparing me with her mum after her dad died recently. No sympathetic ear there and I almost burst into tears when I left but managed to talk myself out of it. I don’t think anyone understands what we are going through unless it happens to them.

I am looking after two different neighbours’ greenhouses while they are away so it makes me go out every evening. I decided to go for a walk over the fields after watering tonight and I did feel better for the exercise so may go more often.

Sorry I haven’t been much help but I am here anytime and really hope you can cope during this awful time. Remember you are not alone.

Love & hugs Viv x

I really feel for you Sue as you must be worn out with no sleep and the sickness which will give you a headache. Maybe you should see your GP as they may be able to help? I’m struggling to know what else to suggest as it is very early days for you to have to cope with these agonising milestones alone.

I have been very lethargic for the last few days forcing myself to do things then going back to bed. I had a health check at the surgery today and everything is normal health wise. I was upset by the nurse though as every time I tried telling her how I felt she kept comparing me with her mum after her dad died recently. No sympathetic ear there and I almost burst into tears when I left but managed to talk myself out of it. I don’t think anyone understands what we are going through unless it happens to them.

I am looking after two different neighbours’ greenhouses while they are away so it makes me go out every evening. I decided to go for a walk over the fields after watering tonight and I did feel better for the exercise so may go more often.

Sorry I haven’t been much help but I am here anytime and really hope you can cope during this awful time. Remember you are not alone.

Love & hugs Viv x

Didn’t mean to duplicate reply.

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Hi hope you are doing ok. I’ve got a phobia about GP. They misdiagnosed my husband and made a fuss about coming out to see him when he was really ill… the only times he has ever had home visits. My doctor of 38 years has retired so can’t go there I hate the place. Never see the same doctor twice. I’m used to not sleeping now I think. Today I plan on trying to get a bit more done after the last two days of panic attacks etc.

Take care and Thankyou. Love Sue x

Hope you had a better day Sue and totally understand you not wanting to see a GP. How awful to make a fuss about visiting!

Did you manage to do things though it doesn’t really matter if you didn’t. I seem better since I have had to go and do neighbour’s greenhouse watering as it makes me go out. Two days running I combined it with a short walk and it seems to have helped my lethargy. I actually did some housework today without thinking about it.

It’s been a really horrid wet day till about 3 pm so couldn’t do gardening. Let me know how your day went and I am always thinking of you.

Love & hugs Viv x