Two weeks tomorrow and it will be one year. I have been doing a countdown for almost a month now. I am in tears multiple times a day, and I’m overwhelmed with sadness. All I can think is “this time last year he was still here”. I try to think about it rationally, but am failing dismally, so I just let my thoughts flow wherever they want. I know that I will be in bits until this date passes, and I truly hope to find some small amount of peace afterwards.
On another level, it will be a milestone for me. I’ve made it this far by myself, on my own, and it has been hard work. I am slowly learning to accept this new reality. I’ve spent many hours of introspection trying to discover who this “alone” me is. I don’t really know her, as it was always “us”. I’ve had fleeting moments of joy - which for me is profound. I truly felt I might never feel joy again. I’ve learned coping mechanisms to help me alleviate the painful memories and triggers. I’ve realized that I am starting to move uphill, albeit slowly, one small step at a time. I’m learning to appreciate the good days, simply because they do happen once in awhile.
This has been the hardest year of my life.