Alone after 50 years of love.

My wife, Bev, passed away on the 8th of February just ten weeks after being diagnosed with Peritoneal Cancer. She was transferred to the Macmillan Palliative Care Unit 18 days before she died. During that time she organised us all and her own funeral down to the last detail. She was never upset or angry, just accepted that it was her time to go. We had a lot of laughs and a few tears. One of us stayed with her so that she would not die alone and it was me who was there for her final moments. I held her hand and told her how much I and the family all loved her. My two children and their partners have been amazing in their support but after seven weeks of living alone I am finding it difficult to handle the grief. Bev was my world, my reason for living and it all seems too much to carry on without her by my side. I know I have to, for my children and granddaughters, but none of us are ready for this massive change in our lives. Bevs funeral was a celebration of her life and it carried me along for a while but now I just feel empty inside.

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Hello @Jeff.1,
Thank you for posting here. I am so sorry that Bev has died. I know what a difficult time you are having. It is so hard to live alone after love like the love you knew and shared. All your family are grieving her in their own way. I lost my husband in January - his death followed a long and gruelling ride with blood cancer. Like you, I was there at the very end and told him he was loved, loved, loved. And now, like you, I stand at the threshold of a new life - in an empty house, in an empty bed, with a heart that has been broken into a million pieces. Jeff, I talk to my husband all the time. I travelled to our home in France and found him here - I know that sounds strange. Another friend on here phoned a clairvoyant and heard things only she could have known about her husband. And here’s the thing, Jeff. The clairvoyant told her that her husband was with her, that he heard her voice and all the things she told him, day by day. So, Jeff, keep talking to Bev, as you go about your days. You may not believe in spiritualism, but the more I hear about it and the more I feel T’s presence close by, the more I think there is something in it. Be hopeful, Jeff, and go again today. Your family here at Sue Ryder is right here for you.

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Hello @Jeff.1.
I can only echo everything that Vancouver has said so well. This online family are marvellous, we keep each other going from day to day and sometimes hour to hour.
We are all travelling this heartbreaking, lonely journey and we understand some of what you’re feeling, it’s different (and yet the same) for everyone.
Stay with us and be gentle with yourself. :two_hearts:

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Thankyou. I was directed to this organisation by the Macmillan helpline and I am so grateful to converse with other people who feel just the same and understand the pain and feeling of hopelessness. I already feel a little more positive about the future. I was sceptical about any sort of counselling because men are supposed to be the stronger of the sexes but I can vouch for the fact that we break far easier.I now know that I am not alone in this situation.:heart:

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@Jeff.1im sorry to hear about Bev, sending you lots of love. Never ever feel weak for speaking and shoeing emotion, never! It’s great that your opening up and getting it all off your chest. Men should be comfortable to be able to speak about how they’re feeling so keep reaching out and keep talking.
Your post has given me a little insight into how Mum is feeling because we lost Dad and they were together 44yrs and it breaks my heart to see Mum so lost and broken. Her grief is different to mine and I just want to be able to help her with her pain but I can’t, everyone’s grief journey is different.
I hope you’re doing okay today. I’m having one of my bad days today but I always come on this site as it helps so I hope you keep on doing the same too. Find something you enjoy doing if you can, a hobby, write things down :heart:

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Thankyou all for your kind words. It is now twelve weeks since Bev died though it seems a lot longer. I am lonely in this big old house on my own but I spend most days on our allotment, a place that Bev loved and made me promise to look after for her, a promise I dare not break. Everything I do is in her memory now and that helps me get through, one day at a time. I don’t want to “ Get over it”, I want to live my life with her spirit by my side and treasure the memories of our 50 years together. This is how I feel today. As all of you lovely people on here know, tomorrow is a different country. :heart::heart:

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Hi. It will be 15 weeks tomorrow since Bev died and I am really struggling to cope with the day to day life without her by my side. I am cooking, gardening, and doing all the normal chores but it all seems pointless . The evenings are the worst, sitting watching mindless rubbish on the TV just to pass the time until bedtime. The slightest thing brings me to tears, a piece of music, a photo, just the sight of her clothes or possessions. My children have been brilliant but they have full time jobs and busy lives. I am doing my best but it is a horrible life without her.

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Hello @Jeff.1, I’m so sorry to hear about Bev, you are so early on your grief journey don’t expect to much of yourself.
It’s lovely you have supportive family and I understand, my children are brilliant too but your right they can’t be with us all the time.
I try to keep myself busy, to keep my mind occupied. I have found journaling helps me, I write love letters to my husband kept in a journal. I tell him how I miss him, what I’m doing, tell him what the family are up to and what’s happening in the street. It helps focus my thoughts just as if I’m talking to him. I also read the letters out loud to he can hear what I’ve said.
Silly I know but I helps me.
Be kind to yourself and one step at a time.
Debbie X

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Thankyou. I talk to Bevs photo every time I pass it, and like you, I tell her everything that I am doing, planning, and feeling. I have kept a journal since the first hospital visit in November and it helps to re-read it. I know that she could not have survived, it was stage 4 when it was diagnosed but it doesn’t make losing her any easier.

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26.12.22. 04.00.
A cup of tea at quarter to four, another one at six.
I cannot sleep, I’m wide awake, the alarm clock gently ticks.
For you are gone and I’m alone, first Christmas without you,
but I’ll keep my promise, carry on, somehow I’ll muddle through.

Bev. I will love you forever.:heart:

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Hello Jeff
My heart goes out to you, I think we all learn to muddle through during those first months and even years but in time we do learn to smile again and find enjoyment. We never forget and love them forever but we learn to live with our loss and there is a sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

I see you have an allotment just as we do and like your wife my husband asked me to keep the plots going. I get a lot of comfort from being there and always asking my husband if I am doing things right and to his liking. I can imagine him telling me that some of my lines are crooked and to mend some of the cages although I am useless with the drill. I feel close to him there and his plot will always be his plot and I am just helping him.
It has helped me enormously to work on the allotment and given me a focus.
xxxx

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