Alone and heartbroken

Feel that I have absolutely no where to turn. It’s been 18 months since my sister passed away. I feel that I’m struggling more and more everyday. My sister and I were incredibly close, in fact my sister was more like a daughter to me. Our mum was involved in a hit and run when I was 4 years old and although survived, was in a coma for 15 years. We helped care for mum at home along with my dad for all this time until she sadly passed away. My sister and I shared the most incredible story and supported each other dearly. My sister was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 32 and returned again 5 years later with a terminal diagnosis. The day my sister passed was the day my heart broke. I don’t feel the same person anymore. I have two teenage children who I try to be strong for but can’t even put on that brave face anymore. I feel that no one understands me. Sorry for sounding so negative as I do understand that life is so precious and I should appreciate my life, just can’t help the way I feel. The loneliness physically hurts!

Dear Anders
I am so so sorry that you have lost your precious sister and that you are struggling with life without her. You shared such an amazing experience with her when looking after your mum that the bond between you must have been strengthened tenfold and for her life to have been cut short is unbelievably sad…it is no wonder that you do not feel the same person. Grief does awful things to us and is no respecter of time or place and the fact that you have tried to be strong for your own daughters might mean that you have not given yourself enough time…also, society in general does not understand grief and places too great expectations on us.
All that said, perhaps the time is now right for you to see your doctor and possibly a counsellor. Do not struggle alone unnecessarily because your sister would want you to have a life where she walks with you in your heart instead of by your side. So easy to write but so hard to do…have a look at some of the other threads where posters have talked about losing their siblings and perhaps they will help. Keep posting here too…everyone here understands. X

Sheila,
Thank you so much for responding to my post. I can’t explain how much it means finding someone that shares a similar pain. Although my sister became like a daughter to me, she was 2 years older than me so the same kind of age gap. As you did, we just shared absolutely everything together and between us we could cope with absolutely anything that life threw at us. We too worked together, my sister got me a job with her and we shared the same office for over 10 years. After 16 years service, I did resign in the summer as to me going there was mental torture. I start a new job tomorrow and it’s times like now that we would be either sat having a cup of tea or on the phone chatting about everything and anything.
I am so sorry to hear of all your sadness, you must hold incredible heartache. Life really does seem so unfair. Loneliness for me is one of the hardest. It saddens me to hear of your loneliness too. I am here to talk anytime, I know it helps to have someone to talk to who has walked a similar path and shares similar thoughts.
The only reason why I posted on here as I’m such a private person is that I knew this is what my sister Sadie would be doing as she found great help with forums. So yet again my sister is still helping me.
I do find strength lots and I’m trying incredibly hard but some days the pain is so unbearable.
When you mentioned that you live in the past more than you do in the present, it makes complete sense to me.
I suppose great love does come with great heartache and that great love was certainly worth it. Xx

Thank you for your kind words of support. I have been to my GP but they have only limited funds for counselling which means I presume I don’t meet the criteria. I was given an online course which was in my eyes pointless. I’m not an idiot, I’m grieving! I feel very misunderstood. I did seek my own counselling support but sadly because of work commitments am no longer able to attend. My sessions were over an hours drive away and now I’ve got to work full time, is impossible. I do think talking to someone is one of the best things that all of us grieving need. I initially thought, well what’s the point as they can’t help bring my sister back and I was brought up to think that seeking help from a counsellor was a sign of weakness. My opinion has completely changed and I would say that my counselling has been invaluable and that at times felt like it was my only lifeline. I know that I need to keep talking and therefore have joined in with this online support. X

Anders, I read your story and feel your heartbreak, I lost my beloved sister 6 months ago to cancer. I also shared a strong life long bond with my sister. Our mother had lung cancer and my younger sister and I were her “care team.” We got through that loss together, as we got through everything “together.” I understand when you say you “do not feel like the same person anymore.” I have not been the same since losing my sweet sister either. She was my best friend in the world, and I life seems meaningless without her. I still feel as though I am in a bad dream. I am glad you came to this site. Now you do have somewhere to turn. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. Take care. Sister2

H Lonely, How true when you say that you would give anything to pick up the phone and share things with your sister. Every day something comes up (good, bad or funny) that I catch myself saying “oh I must tell her this,” but I then remember I can no longer call, email or text her, and I end up sobbing. We shared everything and laughed at the same things. The loneliness is suffocating. I relate to everything said here. No one can ever fill this void. Xx Sister2

I am so sorry for your loss this must be so incredibly difficult with what happened to your mum. Life is so cruel sometimes and I truly feel so sad for you. My husband died three months ago and the loss and heartbreak is terrible. Your sister would not want you to be sad and this is what gets me through every day. Dawn

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