Alone in grief

Coping with bereavement
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I’m feeling completely frustrated today, so apologies for the long vent. I don’t think the long holiday weekend is helping where I can hear & see others gathering together. I’m in month 7 of my grief, which has been, and continues to be a rollercoaster of unwelcome symptoms & emotions.

Every time I feel low, I pop on here but every post I read seems to have people, also sadly grieving, but surrounded with family, children, parents, etc. I’m completely alone. I live alone. I’m on the waiting list for PTSD counselling, & all the free online help sessions just show “we are full, please try again later”. I just want to read comforting words from people in the same situation. I’ve got all the grief books, & all the websites bookmarked. Grief cafes only seem to run when I’m working (from home).
I do understand that people can feel alone yet be surrounded by people (as I have been in the past), but unless you’re utterly isolated, it’s really not the same.

I’m sitting with low level depression, so hobbies that used to distract me are a chore. I have limited mobility from chronic conditions so exercise or meds aren’t an option. The only thing I can do that helps is small amounts of gardening. Yes, I’m grateful I have a garden which I can get out into as long as the neighbours log burner isn’t going (it fills my garden with smoke 6 months out the year :pensive:). I have 2 friends who live at the opposite ends of the country, so I’m careful not to bombard them with my misery & try my best to talk about other things when I speak to them, but I really just need to let it all out to someone who gets it & won’t be overwhelmed by my pent up grief. I’ve rung a grief helpline and they had 1 practical suggestion but… I think I just need a really big hug & sympathy, which as most you know dries up very quickly after the event. I’m writing pages of things to go over with the counsellor when I finally get one, so I am getting it out on paper. But it doesn’t seem to help.

I’m just really very down & lonely, and really need a “You’re not alone” from someone who understands, without a slew of “have you tried…?” Grief can’t be fixed. I just need comfort from another human being, without suggestions. I’ve done my homework, I’ve read the books, I’ve tried lots of things, so no suggestions, please :pray:t2:

As my dearly missed mum used to say “What cannot be cured must be endured.” But the enduring part is enormous, it’s heavy on my broken heart, it’s all encompassing, and a living nightmare (& full of actual nightmares when I do sleep). Grief is inescapable, & I’m just exhausted, grumpy, & sad.

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Hello @Gib79. I feel your sadness and am so sorry for your loss. You are being overwhelmed by your grief at the moment and when you aren’t too mobile the days can be long and filled with sad thoughts.
It is quite natural to feel as you do as seven months is not very long. The best we can do is to just take one hour at a time without thinking any further ahead. Remember to breathe, and keep hydrated as crying will upset your moisture balance.
You may want to read one of the books on grief by Gary Roe, (try Amazon) who will walk you through every emotion you can possibly feel. He knows them all and the book will act as counsellor for the time being.
You have been ripped apart and need to take care of yourself for now. Hope this helps.
Love and light.x

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Thank you for your kind words, Jean. I wish the world could realise grief timescales differ for everyone, & it’s comforting to know even though I’m berating myself for not being better after this long, that there is no linear progress for any of us. X

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Hello @Gib79,
I’m very sorry for your loss . My mum passed away 11 weeks and , always lived with her and was her carer for the last 26 years of her life ( although I’ve actually looked after her since my dad passed away in 1979 . ) I am now alone for 95% of the time and finding the loneliness very difficult to handle . It’s really tough when you are struggling , especially when you have to do it alone . You can private message me if you ever need someone to chat to . Please take care of yourself and I am sending you strength and love .
Love Angie xx

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I fully understand your grief my husband passed away 6 months ago and like you I’m completely alone as we couldn’t have children trying to cope with grief on your own is terrible . 3 months after my husband passed away I met up with a fb friend who knew my husband he took me out in his car on many occasions for walks just to get me out he put a smile back on my face and made me laugh something I thought would never happen again . I know it was pretty quick after my hubb6passed away but we became very close , he had 3 heart attacks in the past 3 weeks ago he caught a heavy cold that put him in bed unfortunately it turned to covid and sadly on Friday night he passed away so I’m in double grief I like you see couples and families having fun and getting ready for bank holiday and just want to stay in bed

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Thank you so much Angie. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum too. She was my best friend. It feels like half my heart has broken off, & the part that’s left is sitting in black tar. I’m definitely having a ‘minute by minute’ day. Xx

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Oh Vonney, I’m so, so sorry. It sounds cliche to say that it’s good you had some happy memories, because it makes the loss so much darker & harder to bear. The deeper we love, the greater the pain of loss. You must also be trying to take things minute by minute, like I am. Thank you for reaching out in your darkest time, it’s made me feel less alone, and confident that I can post whatever I’m feeling on here and others will write back to say “it’s ok”. I hope you can also make posts on here. X

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Hi @Gib79,
Sorry to hear you are having a particularly bad day . My mum was my best friend too . Three days ago her ashes were laid to rest in my dad and sisters grave , felt awful since . Have been trying to keep busy but the pain is always there , hovering around . Take care and thank you for replying.
Love Angie xx

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Hi Gib

Just read your post and want you to know that you aren’t alone. I live alone. I’m an only child, no partner or children. I lived with my mum until she died nearly 10 months ago. I do have a very small extended family but obviously they have their lives to get on with and a few friends but no one really close because my mum was my best friend.

I haven’t read any of the books or tried counselling and I haven’t got any positive suggestions either. I try to keep busy but feel tired all the time. I listen to the radio and audiobooks. I don’t work but have done a bit of volunteering and a few zoom classes. I don’t really go anywhere apart from grocery shopping, out for walks and occasionally to the garden centre.

People say that they are changed by grief but I don’t think I’ve changed. Perhaps I’m an even more anxious worrier than I was before but I’m 62 and too old to change. But for me the world has changed. It doesn’t look or feel the same as it did when mum was with me. Maybe one day it might look like a nicer place than it does now.

Take care and sending hugs

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Thank you for taking the time to reply Caro1959, and I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I know what you mean about the world being different. I hardly recognise the values we grew up with in anyone nowadays.

I felt a bit better earlier scouting around the house to see what I could donate to the needy. Maybe helping others, just as we do by replying to each other on here, is a path to comfort. I know on here we’re all doing whatever we can to make our days a little easier, but it really does feel like an uphill struggle, doesn’t it?

Please take care & be kind to yourself. And thank you again for replying, it really does help. Xx

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You too.

Thank you for replying.

What you say is very true.

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Gib79…I truly feel for you and send you comfort, love and hugs. I too am truly alone since my husband passed last year. No children, a nephew and niece both of whom live far away and friends too far away to visit. I bless emails and whatsapp. Not able to walk far for health reasons. I just wanted to tell you I understand how truly lonely you are and send you my love.

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Thank you Angie. I do feel less alone knowing others like you are out there experiencing the same thing. I really appreciate you replying to my message, and am sending love & hugs back to you x

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Thank you and if you ever want to talk, email me on [edited by moderator] and we can arrange it.

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Hi gib 79
No of course you are not alone. I lost my wife in April and I feel exactly the same. Most days I just exist. I have no motivation and like you, I go through all the emotions every day. Guilt though is the big one. On the very rare days that I feel I can get on with life I then feel guilty that I am not grieving for her. No I can’t offer you any magical cure because we are all different. I , like you, I miss the company of my partner and again like you I do feel lonely even in a crowd.
I can’t be asked to do anything but I know I must. A real rollercoaster of emotions. In my case Kath had terminal cancer and suffered for about a year before she past and that was the same, a real rollercoaster of feelings
I find now one of the hardest things to deal with, like you, is people telling me what I should be doing. They really have no idea. I always say the same. " I don’t know what I am doing tomorrow let alone next week" so stop telling me what I should be doing.
It was only since going on this forum that I realise I am not alone. There are so many people out there like us trying to cope and by sharing your feelings and thoughts with them you can get some comfort and you never know someone might say something that might help. I wish you well but please never think you are alone.
Ray

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