Alone lost my husband

On the 9th November, very quickly and not expected my husband died in hospital. I had to call an ambulance his breathing was so bad. He had kidney cancer and had been on a trial drug that didn’t appear to be working. He had just started immunotherapy on the Thursday before and we were so hopefull for some more time and good results.
We emergrated to Canada 8 years ago when he retired and were living the dream. All our children grown up and living their own lives. Now I feel totally isolated. I am back in the UK but know I have to go back to an empty house but a house he loved so much. It’s all so frightening.

Jo, you’ll find some help from others on this forum who are better than me at articulating condolences.
We’re all going through it, and there’s a sense of togetherness born of common experience.

Sorry you have found yourself on this site. It’s frightening for us all Jo. I lost my wife a month ago and my tears haven’t stopped. I can’t see anyway forwards. I’m barely managing to get through each day. How do people manage I don’t know. I just go hour to hour day by day. You will find some comfort on this site, your not alone xxx

Hello Jo. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that the pain is indescribable, you will be in utter disbelief and total shock. I lost my husband in June 2017 very suddenly. No illness, very fit and healthy man and then out of nowhere came a cardiac arrest. If I look back to those early days, where you are now, I think I just groped around in the fog, everything was a bit of a blur. The fog has cleared but I think a kind of mist remains.

You mention about returning to an empty house but because it’s a home your husband loved I hope it won’t be as bad as you think it might be. It’s where I like to be the most, it’s where I feel closest to my husband. He’s everywhere around me. The home we built together. Things he fixed, his toothbrush in the bathroom, his shower gel in the shower tray, his dressing gown hanging, his mug in the kitchen - so many things which now give me comfort. Outside he is everywhere. I hear the crunch of his feet on the gravel, his work coat hanging in the garage. He lived and still lives here in this house with me.

Don’t misunderstand me though, I can still rant and rave. I still have moments of tears, quite unexpectedly at times and I think I always will. Sometimes I yell at the top of my voice, usually when I’m travelling in the car so nobody can hear me.

It’s very early days for you and of course you will still be feeling your way through that fog, but please take comfort in knowing you are not alone. There are so many of us on this site going through the same. We know. Unfortunately.
Sending love and hugs xx

3 Likes

That’s a really lovely way of explaining how you feel. And although I’m still in the fog and not the mist, it’s exactly how I feel xxx

1 Like

Good morning Stevie. I have no doubt that you’re still in the fog as very early days for you too. The fog will lift one day though, but it can never clear completely because of the love we have for our husbands/wives. A love which is powerful and all consuming, dictating that we walk in the mist forever until we meet again and only then will the sun blaze in all it’s glory once more.

The weather can provide a powerful adage to convey our moods and feelings. Others have used the tide to explain the ebb and flow of our tears etc and being engulfed and overwhelmed by crashing waves. All of them perfect description of the grief we have to bear.

However, Stevie, I continue to walk in the mist with pride. Pride in that I was married to the most wonderful man who ever lived.

Much love x

2 Likes

Love your post,lovely words ,I feel just like that x

Hi Crazy Kate
Reading your posts always make me feel better. My dear Ian passed 16 weeks ago and like you I have no intention of moving his stuff. His slippers are still by his chair, his dressing gown hanging up. It keeps him alive, and he is still with me. He will always be my husband and our love will never die. It’s bloody hard at times, the pain unbearable but he is with me and will see me through this terrible journey until we are together again.
Love Julie x

1 Like

Thank you Julie and Robina. This forum has given me great comfort and I try to give a little bit back in return. I wish with all my heart that we didn’t have to walk this journey of grief. But we do and it helps, if only a little, that we’re not walking it alone. Let’s all hold virtual hands and walk through the mist together… sending love xx

1 Like

Thank you for your kind words. I struggle to sleep since I’ve been back in the UK and this site settles me a little. Knowing I’m not alone.

HI Jo, Im so sorry for your loss.,but youve come to the best place. You can say exactly how you feel, because we’re all suffering the same. It will be 5 months on Wednesday since I lost Phil.He died of a stroke, which wasnt expected. We thought he had more time. He’d been diagosed with mds a form of bone marrow cancer 7 months before. This is my first Christmas without him. I had to call an anmbulance, it was so traumatic. He had started chemo, we were hopeful for some extra time. But it wasnt to be .We all agree the empty house is the worst part. It is very frightenig to suddenly be alone. We were together for nearly 50 years. This is the place to share your feelings, Love Sandra x

HI Jo, Im so sorry for your loss.,but youve come to the best place. You can say exactly how you feel, because we’re all suffering the same. It will be 5 months on Wednesday since I lost Phil.He died of a stroke, which wasnt expected. We thought he had more time. He’d been diagosed with mds a form of bone marrow cancer 7 months before. This is my first Christmas without him. I had to call an anmbulance, it was so traumatic. He had started chemo, we were hopeful for some extra time. But it wasnt to be .We all agree the empty house is the worst part. It is very frightenig to suddenly be alone. We were together for nearly 50 years. This is the place to share your feelings, Love Sandra x

So so sorry you are going through this. It is scary abd it is hard. One day, one hour at a time is all you can do for now.

I lost both adult sons so I know that feeling of isolation … being alone!

Always here to talk … be gentle in yourself and let time just go slowly along

Hugs from me, Sue

Thanks Sue for your kind words. I know its the hardest thing we will ever have to do and tbe only option is one day or one hour at a time., Just sometimes this is easier said than done.
Hugs Sandra

Good morning jo, so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband suddenly in May after being told by the hospital he would be coming back home the following week then to be told on the Thursday afternoon they had diagnosed a malignancy, he passed away 36 hours later on the Saturday morning, sometimes the days aren’t as bad, sometimes the days are downright dreadful, I’m still in a mist, there’s no quick fix, and we all try to get through the pain as best as we each can. I am not doing very well at any of it, we celebrated our golden wedding anniversary March 30th this year then exactly 2 months to the date I was attending his funeral, he’d never had a day’s sickness in his life until he had a bad reaction to a spider bite whilst on holiday 2 years last February, the symptoms kept recurring every few months but after 2 days of drinking pure coconut water they went away. The poison in his system somehow contributed to one of the causes of his passing. I still find it hard to accept that he’s never coming home even though he’s all around me, and get huge comfort in keeping his things close, I don’t think it makes the pain of losing your loved one last longer or go quicker, it is just a way of coping at the moment. You will have your own way of coping Jo and don’t take any notice of all the experts who suddenly cone out the woodwork masquerading as well meaning friends, you deal with your own personal loss in the way that makes it easier for you to get through each day. You will have roller coaster days and really very bad days, then some not so bad days, each day will be different in time and as the fog lifts, the mist decends. I’m still in limbo, I talk to Alan all the time, I ask his advice, ask him to help me, generally discuss tv programmes (didn’t even switch it on for the first 10 to 12 weeks, just sat in silence staring into space) looking up at the clouds hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Friends thought I was being stupid and morose, some still do. Although these are no longer friends, everyone on here has had their lives turned upside down and inside out. I honestly do get a great deal of comfort from reading how others on here are getting through their days. Only this week I had an upsetting time, I knew it would happen and when it did, I became heartbroken for the rest of the day. It was a simple thing that triggered this - my first Christmas card arrived addressed to just me and it broke my heart. Sometimes it’s the tiny simple things that trigger an emotional flood of tears and I haven’t had a single day where tears haven’t flowed. I truly and sincerely hope and pray that everyone on here, including myself, find the comfort and support we all need, blessings ☆☆☆

Sorry for your loss. I lost my husband Chris at the end of July totally unexpected from a heart attack whilst we were away for a weekend in Wales for his 48th birthday. I returned home afterwards without him, totally devastated.

The last 4 months have passed in a blur and have been a rollercoaster of raging emotions.

Like others, his things are dotted around the house but Im not sure if they are comforting to me or more upsetting. The feelings of loss are just so raw and so painful. Keep thinking it is a bad dream I am going to wake up from and it was all a mistake.

I am just taking each day by day, is all I can do.

Not sure if I have helped, but hope sharing my experiences will help in some way.

Bless you I’m in the same mess. How the hell do we cope with this. Not sure I can. Gets worse every day.

Hi Mojo, I lost my husband on 18th july Its been 5 months. I feel the same, that I will wake from this nighmare and he will be sitting next to me. How terrible for you to have to come home without him. Wales was our second h9me. We have a caravan there. That was his escape when he was ill. We could forget for a while in such beautiful surroundings, I am still angry and taking one day at a time is all you can do, This is the best place to vent your emotions, cos evertyone knows ecactly how you feel,
Love Sandra

1 Like

Hi Sandra. We too loved Wales, we went every year and have lovely memories of our family holidays in my friends caravan.
It would have been our 5th wedding anniversary last week and Ive been so tearful ever since. The thought of Christmas without my husband is unbearable.

D, I know it’s going to be an uphill struggle. At the moment I find it all so frightening. I just feel so empty. My husband loved music and we had it on all the time. Since he died I’ve not been able to listen to any music. And can only watch tv programmes that we didn’t watch.

Back to top