Phone call this morning with my sister in law ( Martins sister) She was telling me how herself and her husband had a great night out on Sunday, then off work on Monday, went out for lunch etc. Her words to me were “ you know those weekends that are just fab” it took all my strength not to scream down the phone!
Do we just have to get used to this, or are people just genuinely insensitive or just plain stupid? I don’t want to be seen as “delicate” and really don’t have the strength to cause a fuss, especially as it’s family.
I’m asking, because it’s played on my mind all day…
Xx💕
Actually Dottie I had similar remarks made to me but from friends. It came from the women who would constatly keep telling me what they was doing with their husbands, what shops they was going to and then on to have a meal, where they was going for a walk etc etrc. In the end I pointed out to one woman that perhaps she was being insensitive as I would never know the joy of doing these simple everyday things with my husband again. It seems to have stopped her. Perhaps a quiet word might put this torment to an end. She probably doesn’t even realise what she is doing to you. Some people can be just plain stupid…
xx
Im not sure if people are insensitive but I don’t think they realise what they say a lot of the time. I remember the week my husband died, my sister came to stay with me and she was telling me about all her plans with her husband and grandkids. I remember thinking “my world has fell apart and yours is the same” why would I want to know? But I know she was probably just trying to make conversation.
I get jealous over loads of things, just seeing couples or families doing normal everyday stuff so to hear someone is having the best weekend ever would probably get under my skin. It’s the realisation that everyone else’s world still keeps turning! Xx
Thank you @Pattidot, it just amazes me at times. Can you imagine if it was the other way round! She would probably go mad! I think you’re right, I will have a word, as it’s happening more and more… Xx
Hi, I’ve had the same, after thinking about it i came to the conclusion that these people didn’t live with my husband, weren’t in his life 24/7 so there feelings of loss are a lot less then ours meaning they go back to there life’s that have only slightly changed.
I never realised how bad it was for my dad when he lost my mum, I only knew when I’d lost my own husband so I don’t fall out with people as they know not what there saying.
I went to Asdas with my friend the other day because I had no choice, she was wittering away about booking a caravan for her, her partner and the kids in the summer holidays and other things that we’d normally chat about and I was standing there trying my hardest not to break down. It wasn’t her fault, she’s actually been really supportive, people just don’t realise because like you say their lives barely changed. I was looking around and everyone else was normal and inside I was dying An elderly lady said to me “oh you’ve got your thinking face on have you?” and how I didn’t burst into tears I don’t know. I just nodded, faked a smile and she went. It’s hard and unfortunately I think listening to people talk about their plans with their partners is something that’s hard to avoid. Me and my partner were probably guilty of the same when his dad passed away a few years ago and we tried our best to take his mother places with us. It didn’t actually enter my head at the time how insensitive we might come across we were just trying to include her and make conversation with her. I feel bad now
It’s just so hard. I know that feeling, I’ve only went once to the Supermarket, that was the end of August last year, never went back; all my shopping is now delivered. As you say, it’s seeing all those people going about their daily business; I just think in my head, how can they? Do they not know?
I’m going to avoid my sister in law for a while, it’s not the first time she’s said something so insensitive…
Do you think it would be worth explaining to her how much it upsets you? Maybe she genuinely doesn’t realise. I completely get where you’re coming from though, I’d probably avoid her for a little while too. Maybe she will realise that you’re avoiding her and ask why? Maybe then it’s worth telling her.
The first time I went to a supermarket after he passed I went to Aldi with his sister in law and brother, I wouldn’t go alone because I was afraid of bumping into someone I knew, I got all the way around and as we were leaving a woman we knew came up to me and said “I’m so sorry” and I just started sobbing uncontrollably. It’s so hard, our emotions are all over the place. I was talking with his family about some of his silly personality quirks and I started laughing then in a split second it turned from me laughing to me bawling my eyes out. I just can’t control my emotions right now. Every time I see someone for the first time since and they acknowledge my loss that’s me gone
I hide from people. It’s so awkward, even now 6 months on. When it first happened I ventured to Aldi late at night, I felt like I was floating round, I was still in fight or flight. I kept imagining that everyone was looking at me and must be able to sense how broken I was inside when they looked in my eyes. Silly looking back.
I just don’t want anyone to say “I’m sorry” …I’m just too socially awkward. I wish they just said hi, then walk on. Someone I hadn’t seen for years seen me out shopping yesterday and said he was so sorry then had a long awkward pause and I felt like I had to fill in the gaps and I overshared too much, then beat myself up.
It’s funny because I felt like people could sense how broken I was too, I doubt anyone really even noticed me but I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and felt like a lost little lamb. It’s horrible feeling like this, at least I know it’s not just me now.
@Dottie72, your post touched my heart, you’re not being over sensitive or ‘delicate’. You’re absolutely right to feel like this. I would have felt the same way as you did. It’s just that people cannot understand unless they’ve been through it,even our closest family and friends, no matter how much they may care about us, they end up saying hurtful things without realizing. Something similar happened to me when a neighbour visited me (the first time, two years after my husband died!) and spent almost an hour telling me about how she’d spent days looking for a particular teapot that her husband had seen in a shop once, finding it, buying it for him, and how happy she’d made him! I obviously couldn’t tell her how bad she’d made me feel and she didn’t have a clue at what she had just done to me, anyway .I will not invite her again.
Dottie72
I know exactly what you mean .Yes I would distance myself from sister in law for a while !
I too have a relative who knows exactly what she’s saying and after my husband passed I had to pretend I hadn’t heard her in few occasions otherwise I would have erupted .
I have kept my distance since and if she continues to say inappropriate things I will have to tell her straight !
Some people don’t think but close relatives should think before they speak as it is so insensitive of your sister in law !
I too get shopping delivered now as avoid shop I used to go in dint want to bump into people I know !
I go further afield now for shopping also as find this easier .
Take care Dottie xx
I feel like I live in a different world from those who still have their husbands. It’s Iike trying to communicate in different languages! I am afraid that I will end up telling people not to talk to me at all if they are amongst those people. In fact, I can only show my feelings to my husband’s aunt who was widowed 20 yrs ago, and my FIL’s second wife, they’ve been married over 30 years now, but she lost her first husband at a very young age, after a few months of marriage, and she is so empathetic with me, she has not forgotten that agony, she still carries it and understands what I’m feeling even more than I do!
Yeh life it is diffenent without them ! Ive lost patience with some people in my family who just haven’t got the understanding ! Why are people so mean and thoughtless when you lost your lovely man … yet others can be so kind …like you say people who been through it or are just generally kind people x
I know things people say can be upsetting but I tend to look at it differently.
I don’t want my friends and family to have to be careful what they say to me about their own lives all the time. I fear it would stop them feeling able to be with me and talk to me in a relaxed manner. We know ourselves that we want to talk about our loved ones and find it hard if others don’t. It’s only natural that things people do together are part of their conversation.
I am not condoning ANYONE deliberately making a point of how lucky they still are, only to say that to continue to have friends around me I will have to get used to hearing about their lives together. I’d rather they appreciate what they still have than take it for granted and if talking to me about it does that then I’m pleased.
It’s another part of facing my grief which has to be done in my book. I get breaks from facing it in my busy life but, unless it gets looked at I’m never going to have a life and grief has beaten me.
Love to all
Karen xxx
Xx
An elderly lady said to me “oh you’ve got your thinking face on have you?” and how I didn’t burst into tears I don’t know. I just nodded, faked a smile and she went. It’s hard and unfortunately I think listening to people talk about their plans with their partners is something that’s hard to avoid. Me and my partner were probably guilty of the same when his dad passed away a few years ago and we tried our best to take his mother places with us. It didn’t actually enter my head at the time how insensitive we might come across we were just trying to include her and make conversation with her. I feel bad now 
.I will not invite her again.
x x