Am I doing the right thing?

Coping with bereavement
#1

I lost my Mum almost 10 years ago now to Pancreatic Cancer - I was 13 at the time. It was the worst time of my life and I still don’t think I have ‘Recovered’ to be honest, I don’t think I ever will. I was left in the care of my sister but things were not great and eventually at the age of 16 she kicked me out of the family home. Luckily, my boyfriend and his parents took me in (2012) and we have never looked back. The only family I have left is my Aunt (my mums sister) who unfortunately, lives in Australia. I visited her for the first time at the end of 2016 and it was a dream come true. I have never felt so close to Mum since she died and leaving felt like starting the grieving process all over again.I have been back over a month and it still hurts knowing that we are so far apart. I feel as if I want to go back, just for a little bit longer, just to spend time with the closest thing to a mum and be apart of my own family again. My work has said I can have 3 months off towards the end of this year to go and be with my family. This is literally a dream come true - however, my boyfriend and his family are not so supportive. They think it’s weird that I want to go for that long and that I am being selfish. Am I? My boyfriend has said he will support me but he’s not acting that way. I just want to be close to my mum again and for longer than 3 weeks and my auntie really brought back all of the amazing memories that I had forgotten over time.

I would really appreciate honest opinions and for someone to tell me if they think I am doing the right thing or not. I have spent the last 10 years putting everyone before myself and now I feel like this is what I need to do, to be able to move on with my life.

I love my boyfriend very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but i feel this needs to be done now at 23, rather than 10 years down the line when we have a mortgage and a baby and a lot more stresses.

Help please. This is the most confused and feeling like a little girl again I have in a long time

Thank you X

#2

Hi Rea im very sorry for your loss .Your boyfriend has both parents living im guessing ? if so he wont understand your loss and emotional pull to go back to where you feel close to your mum .Me id try and explain it more detail to m y partner.And if my partner then understood id go Colin (57)

#3

Hi Colin

Thank you for replying! Very kind of you

Yes he has both parents living and a very large family all within arms reach, so no he wouldn’t understand. I really have tried explaining it too him but I get upset and he gets angry. Would you still go even if your partner didn’t understand? He just keeps saying “do what makes you happy” - but I fear for our relationship in doing so!

Thank you X

#4

Hi Rea hes sitting on the fence with his reply .Try to pin him down to i agree or dont agree .Or make the stay shorter that might get him to agree .Thats the issue now i feel .If you go for 3 month his answer is loaded with emotional danger .

#5

Hello Rea
This is just such a difficult situation isn’t it. There may be several factors why your partner appears to not fully support your decision to take the trip. Could you compromise on the amount of time spent on the trip or could your partner accompany you some of the time? If it’s something you need to do just go ahead. The worst feeling in the world is “I should have/wish I had have done” when you had the opportunity. None of us know what the future holds and if for whatever reason you do defer the visit and the opportunity gets snatched from you it may stay with you as a painful regret. Kindest regards.

#6

Hi Rea, I have recently lost my husband although different from you I can understand your need to be close to the ones who loved your mum and can show you compashion I don’t understand why your boyfriends family are against this as they took you in and I would of thought that they would understand. Perhaps they are worried you might want to stay there.would your boyfriend be able to go with you.you were very young when your sister kicked you out (you still are young) and went to your boyfriends because you had no choice.grief is an awful thing all you want from my experience is kindness and love and it seems you have had that from your boyfriends family,but not from your mum’s family and they want to share that with you which I think is so nice.If I was you I would go your boyfriend doesn’t mind, but you need to discuss this a bit more with his parents ask them why they are so against it. tell them how much this means to you and that it is your mother’s sister,from the discussion you have with them you should have more understanding as why they are so against it.good luck. Skylark

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