Am I making progress?

After 4 months the volume of tears has decreased. For three months I cried alone every day and every time I spoke to a professional like a doctor or counsellor. About a month ago my GP described me as inconsolable. I was terrified of some work that had to be done on the house coping alone with all the disruption. Somehow the fact I managed and the worst I feared didn’t happen helped my confidence. Then I was taken by a supporter to a Widows’ group and quite enjoyed it as it was light hearted over coffee and lunch. I partly feel pleased but also worry that I am not crying as much and guilty that I may just be denying the reality of the loss of my soul mate. I still cannot do his clothes. Every item brings back where we bought it, the occasion, maybe on holiday or for something special and every bit is him somehow. I am still in such a muddle over things. I get flashbacks to the awful times of his suffering and worry if I could have done better even though I know rationally I couldn’t have saved him.

I could almost have written that, Dido, except that I haven’t seen a GP nor have I attended any widows/widowers group.
It is 141 days, a couple of weeks shy of five months, since Eileen died, and there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t shed tears, which I do, gently, as I write now. Sometimes I still howl, a horrible mixture of crying and shouting, though I can control this if I am in a public place. I let it go in the house, or in the isolated spots I go to with my dogs twice a day.

I too have fears about unfinished business, and also have that sense of not wanting to grieve less, lest it seem as though my memory of, and passion for, my beloved wife is starting to fade.
A couple of weeks ago, Forum friend (hope that’s not overfamiliar) Crazy Kate came up with a helpful insight into the progress of grief, likening it to a lifelong (and beyond) love affair. It gave me hope, yet whilst I bear it in mind I cannot say that it is really helping with the pain. Maybe somewhere down the line . . .

If it helps, the thread started by Crazy Kate is called “Continued Growth ?” which she started on 11 January. Do look.
I have no idea how to post a link on this site.

I don’t think any other person can measure your progress. It’s very much how you feel about that and whether you can identify things, maybe just little things, that feel different, less difficult, or maybe even enjoyable. I thought long and hard about my own guilt issues and tried to work out if feeling guilty achieved anything or changed anything. It didn’t.
By the sound of things you may be regaining confidence and that has to be good…and different.

Thank you Edwin.

Reply to Dido I know what you are going thru like you I lost my Dave after 51yrs of marriage in the middle of work being done to our home. My Dave also suffered and I feel i should have done more to help him but in my heart I know I could not have done more but I still feel guilty. I have not yet finished the work on our home and have not been able to sort Dave’s clothes out. You might find it helps to go out every day try and join a walking group as I find this helps Don’t let other people tell you how to feel as you must only believe in yourself and what you feel. Lots of hugs Queenie

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