Jo, I understand completely what you’re going through as I have been through the same. I met a man over 20 years ago for the briefest time and we just clicked, but nothing untoward happened at that time. At the time I was 20 and had just bought a house with my boyfriend (now husband), but wrote to this man for a time (just friendly, chatty letters). One letter I wrote suggested that I’d wished that more had happened between us, and that is the letter my boyfriend found before I’d had a chance to post it!. It, understandably, caused a huge row between us and never got posted. I also stopped writing to him. Fast forward 22 years to Christmas 2018 and I noticed that this man had ‘liked’ one of my Facebook photos. I knew it was him immediately and message him. From there, things just took off so quickly. We chatted so easily, and it was quickly apparent that feelings ran beyond friends. He confessed that he knew from the beginning that he loved me and that I was ‘the one’. I told him about the letter that never got sent. This has us both kicking ourselves with regret. We both were married with families by now and there was no intent to hurt anyone, but we found our chemistry impossible to ignore. He lived 6 hours away from me so it was difficult to meet, but we managed it a couple of times. Other than that, our relationship was online, emails, live chats, photos. We knew we should be together and would make each other so incredibly happy but we’re both cautious that it had to be managed in a way to minimise pain to our families. We were so careful to be discrete but eventually were discovered (inevitable in hindsight) and we had to break contact last September. I sent him a ‘happy birthday’ message in October, but that was our only contact during this time. Then, in November I received an email from him telling me he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had been given 6 months, possibly less, that he didn’t want me to contact him but he believed that our connection was fate lettinghim know that he’d always been right about me, and that he ‘knew’ before the end. I was frantic and desperate to get a message to him, but it was too late, within a week he was gone. My grief for him was indescribable, the pain raw and primal, but, like you, I could not grieve openly for him, so it was a very lonely and isolating grief. I could not go to the funeral, so at that time, I went for a walk by myself and listened to ‘our’ songs and just cried my absolute heart out. Since then, I have thought about and cried for him every day. Unbelievably, his legacy to me has been that my marriage has survived, my husband and I have reconnected and, instead of simply drifting along in life, separately but together, as we were before, we now have plans for our future, things we want to do together once our children are older. My husband understands that the feelings I had (have) for this man are very real, and has shown me unbelievable compassion and forgiveness, for which I know I am lucky. I feel so much guilt that things are now so positive for me, whilst he and his family have suffered the ultimate price, but I feel that I owe it to him to live a happy and fulfilled life. I will never ever forget him and think that, had he lived, we may have been together one day but I’ll never know and simply HAVE to appreciate and make the absolute most of what I’ve got. To complicate things further, my mum also passed away two weeks ago. It was sudden and completely unexpected and the pain I am now suffering has reignited my grief for this man. My circle is small and to lose two people, both too young and quite suddenly, so close together is so incredibly difficult to deal with. So Jo, I understand your grief completely. Just because you were not together physically does not lessen the emotional bond you shared, does not make it any less ‘real’ and does not mean that you don’t have the right to grieve for him as you would anybody else you felt so connected to. I’m sending you hugs, empathy and understanding, you are not alone xx❤
Hi. Hotchoc. Welcome. I am so sorry for your double loss. Once is enough, but two together is too much. You will find no criticism or judgement here. Loss is loss and we all know and understand. You are so fortunate to have a husband who understands and stands by you in your grief. Not being able to grieve openly must be awful. You are considerate and don’t want to upset others, but emotions will out in some way. We have to let them come.
Please, try not to feel guilt. None of this is your fault. It’s life with all its ups and downs. Your attraction and love for this man was genuine, and it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. You will never forget, of course not, none of us will, but you have a family to fall back on, and it does seem there is a lot of love and understanding there. Being physically close has little to do with love. I have spoken to many in your situation who have loved deeply without having physical contact. It will be very hard for a while. Bless you and take care. John.
Thank you for your empathetic reply John. Things are difficult for me right now. The loss of my mum has opened up my grief channels for the man I lost and I find myself lost in thought about one, or the other, or both of them. To lose two people who I loved so dearly so close together is so hard to understand. We had my mum’s funeral this week and, difficult as it was, I have found it to be a relief that she is at rest and I could say goodbye. I think part of the depth of my grief for my friend comes from not having the opportunity to say goodbye to him. I was unable to go to the funeral for risk of upsetting his family and have never been able to let go. Also, you’re right, it IS possible to love two people at the same time and I now allow myself to say that I love both my husband, who is a wonderful man for how he has dealt with this, and my friend, who I believe was a wonderful man who never deserved to die so young. I don’t feel ashamed of doing so, they are both so important to me in their own ways. I know I just have to take things one day at a time, and hope that I will get through this and come out a stronger, and better person for it.
Oh yes, you will feel a stronger person for the experience. It will be painful for some time. Our experiences can make or break us. They are so often an opportunity to look at ourselves and make any necessary adjustments. We are not perfect and as humans are flawed. But kindness and understanding can go a long way to helping us through these so difficult times. Blessings. John.