And now....what?

The shock, the sharp pain has passed
Now is just the void - huge
All the time by little things I am reminded that my Jack isn’t here and will never be again.
Is now 14 months since he died and during this time life went on , I have travelled to Malaysia ( for a wedding) and Japan. I have bought a house which needs some work done before I move, I have been out with friends, I have gone to bereavement counselling, I go to church hoping to hear something that comforts me … and then what?
The void is huge! My sleep is still disturbed. I find life lonely and my desire to do things is not great
I miss Jack - every cell in my body aches to feel his presence. I wished I could hear his voice …
I think so much about our lives together - now what???
I feel more insecure - I know that no one cares or will look after me as Jack did .
I constantly ask myself where is he! Where are you Jack?
And now what?
Sadie

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H Sadie
I know just how you feel. I lost my husband in April and now a New Year is coming. I feel so sad and lost I will not see him again (well not in this lifetime). He was my everything. We was always laughing together apart from the time he was ill and we knew had not long to live. There was lots of tears then. He told me I had to be strong I try to be but I hate this lonely life. It was my first Christmas we haven’t been together since 1976. It has been a tough month with all the madness of Christmas. I have shed lots of tears. So I know just how you feel.
Take care!
Anne

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Hi SadSadie. ‘And now what’? I feel so sad when I read a post like yours because it brings back the despair I too felt. It’s OK. We all need to express how we feel and trying to give hope in the darkness of despair is difficult. Rather than ‘now what’ it would be better to say ‘what if’. Things do change. Life can throw nasty things at us but also good things can come along. I’m so so sorry that all I can offer is from my own experience. Hope is fleeting. Here one day gone the next. But I still feel its two steps forward and one back. The back one can be very painful but the forward ones give hope.
My own experience is that it does get better; slowly, imperceptibly but better. Of course nothing can ever be the same. No way!!
It’s good you are on here and that you can talk. Emotions are far better out than in. Yes ‘void’ is the right word. A big hole in our lives.
Take care and I do hope you can see just a tiny light in the darkness. It is there. Blessings.

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I do realize how totally inadequate a reply like mine can be. When we are so low nothing seems to penetrate the heartache and loneliness we feel.
The big thing here is that we all know and care. The various stages of grief we are all going through can never be summed up in one reply. I hope you get more support.

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Hi Anne
I also met Jack in 1975 - for me it was live at first site . Somehow I knew he would important in my life -,for him it took a bit longer
Thank you for replying -
Sadie xx

Hi Jonathan
Most of the time I am not so low but I find the grieving process so draining and exhausting!!!
I know life goes on, I know that things feel less raw with time but I also know that as time goes on it becomes even more real that I am alone and Jack isn’t here
Hope you have a good day
Sadie xx

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Has Sue Ruder changed the format of msashes? It is not as user friendly as before

Hi. Sadie. You see!!! Even in your moments of pain and distress you still tell me to have a good day. It’s tiny sparks of such thoughts that can build to some relief in the pain you feel. You are not just thinking about yourself but others, or you would not be here. many come here to find answers or some relief from the pain. I did. But as we go along we open up more to others and to ourselves. Sometimes it makes sense because in helping others we help ourselves. This is not being selfish but is a fact.
Now take care. Be kind to yourself. XX

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H,

I don’t have any answers but I too feel the same, I have kept busy with new interests etc… but it just exhausts me.

I have a cold at the moment & it struck me I have to do my own hot water bottle, my own soup etc… makes me feel sad that my husband isn’t here to help/comfort me.

I still ask why is he not here? Where has he gone?

The biggest question of all what now?

Flower garden we do have our low points don’t we?
I do ask what now? Mainly because the void is so great - I know that some days the prospect of been alone feels devastating then other days the prospect of been alone feel so sad - but the reality is alone we are

Funny I do ask Jack where is he!!

Jack and I thought we would have so many years ahead of usflieer garden I do understand you

Sadie x

Hi Sadie, good to hear from you. You know, today I wrote my letter to Brian and I also asked him where he was, had he forgotten me or thought I was capable of going it alone. So we all seem to be on the same wavelength. Every morning I wake up and wish I could stay in bed all day but of course I never do. I get up and find something to do or go. Today I have kept busy and met up with people and had chats, so not a bad day but there isn’t a day that I don’t cry at some time and feel alone. It seems to me it’s a way of life now. Like so many of you, I am having to adjust. It does comfort me however to know that so many of you feel exactly the same as me. Insecure, nervous about our future life, lonely, tears. Finding little comfort in everyday things but still making the effort. We are all in the same boat and supporting each other. Thank goodness we all understand.
Pat xxx

Dear Jonathan,
Your replies are never inadequate, I get such a lot from them,
Thank you,
Blessings,
MaryL

:broken_heart:

Hi Pat - nice to hear a familiar voice
Do you know I also feel like staying in bed as long as possible - somehow my bed feels so attractive - I book lots of things for early in the morning because then I know I will get up
I think the feeling of loniness will always be there - we won’t be sharing our lives so intimately with anyone else - no one else will have so much time and love invested on ourselves as Jack and your husband did.
My children are very supportive and so a couple friends but it is not the same. I don’t say this to my kids because they would probably feel hurt.

Tomorrow is my birthday, my family is coming over etc etc and I will smile, I will enjoy myself and at the same time my heart is still and sad

Pat my lovely we are strong and we will have good lives because we owe it to ourselves and our husbands. Jack would really feel cross if he saw me just existing.

Are you sleeping well these days?
Take care
Sadie xx

I haven’t been on the site for quite a while as I managed to kid myse.f I was improving. How arrogant of me …it is 17months tomorrow since my beloved Peter died and I have suddenly found myself back in the depths of despair, and feeling so alone. I bave done all the things usually suggested, I do voluntary work, I go out some evenings with good friends, I went abroad on holiday I went to the Hospice breavement group for 12 months had 12 sessions of one to one counselling but it all fells like just filling time when all I want is my old life and the old confident me bacl. I have had flu recently and that really highlighted my aloneness. I have two lovely grown up chi.dren but even they daren’t visit for fear of infection (although they did leave food in the porch). I have tried to work out why I have regressed and think that the first year one is numb to cope with the rawness of the pain, and as you move out of that you seem to have to face up to never seeing or hearing your loved one again… I wonder how to carry on which is made worse by the fact that I have gone back to being unable to sleep …hence this ramble. It has been good to read your posts and realise I am not going potty !,

Hello Sadie so nice to see your name and hear your voice again, a lot of familiar names from the old forum have disappeared. I have wondered recently how you and others are doing.
I want to wish you the best birthday you can have without Jack by your side, it will never be the same as before sadly.
I’ve just had my second Christmas without my husband. Last year I let it pass me by this year I made an effort and have had various family staying here last one leaving today (Saturday) I know I’m lucky to have them around, it’s been both a distraction and a huge effort and now I just want to be on my own. Except I what I really mean by ‘on my own’ is that time I used to share with my husband when everyone had left and we could just settle down to living together in comfortable familiarity knowing there was always someone to turn to but sadly ‘on my own’ really does mean that now.
I can’t be content with that but know I can’t have the old life back either. How do we ever learn to live with it.
Love and hugs xx

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Dear Toria
First a big hug - I understand you and I feel for you
I think it is normal those set backs
I was reading your post and I smile vexatious also have done and still doing all the things you mentioned - Toria, I find that there is something that helps me a lot is cross stitch - helps to keep my head on the present
My sleep is also disturbed
Like you my children are also very supportive but I also think they don’t understand
I send you love
Sadie xx

So nice to hear you too!
I am not sure why a disappointed
This was also my 2nd Christmas without Jack . This year I also made the effort to have a nice Christmas - this will be the last Christmas in this house next year I will be in the “new” place and that is daunting
I come to England when Jack and I got married so ALL my memories here are with him. I never lived here in a house without Jack - now he is not here but we chose this house together and we live bed in it together - he hasn’t seen the new place ,
Really nice to hear from you
Sadie xx

Dear Sadsadie,
You feel just as I do. My husband looked after me so much and I loved him so deeply that it is hard to go through life without him, I have felt so lost and afraid. The thing that helps me is that every time I do a little thing I have never done before - changed the bulb in the cooker hood, fixed the pump in the garden pond… little things I know…but each time I say to myself YES i’ve done it. I know this does not help with the big issues, the loss and the loneliness and the sheer desperation of missing somebody so much, but I am learning to take the positives whenever I can. I ask my husband all the time Where are you,? I ask him to wait for me, I am sure we all ask ourselves these questions, there are no answers. But the people on this site are so kind and it always helps to share. I thought I was alone, now I know there are so many people like us out there and it makes me feel a little less alone.

Sadie,
I’m amazed at what you have accomplished in 14 months since losing your soulmate! I’m almost six months widowed suddenly, my husband was only 60 and I am 54. We were married for 35years, no children but we cared for our parents and family.

I too feel lost about what my next steps should be. I moved to a smaller apartment 10days after my husband died because I could not stand being in the same place where he collapsed in front of me. Also I could not afford it on my own. I’m in the same building where we lived for 10years because it is familiar to me and close to my work. I’ve adjusted pretty well but I will admit that from time to time I expect him to walk in the door.
I had to get rid of 2/3 of our belongings which was very hard. I wear his wedding ring all the time along with the 10th anniversary ring he gave me in Holland where he was from.
I have my lonely times and I don’t want to see people. However Christmas with my family was better than I thought it would be and I didn’t cry once.
I miss the daily conversation with each other and the hugs and kisses, which is the hardest thing to miss. I’m afraid to try to date because things are so different now from when I met my husband. We weren’t virgins when we met but we weren’t looking for hookups like people are now. I know it’s too early for me to date but I am lonely like you. How did you find the courage to travel around the world alone? I’m making plans to visit my husbands family in Holland but feels daunting. Feel free to contact me any time, best wishes, Barbara