Anger at my brother

[Jm1232]

My dad recently died of acute lymphoblastic leukemia. I’m starting to harbor real resentment to my brother as a direct result of this.

My dad was diagnosed late last year. At the time him and my brother were not speaking. My dad had not been great when we were growing up but had tried to make amends.

I would never judge my brother if he had decided to just cut my dad out of his life because of the way my dad had been but thats not how things went.

They had quite a volatile relationship but the most recent falling out was relatively trivial. After his diagnosis my dad asked for my help to send my brother a message to try and repair things. My brother responded with a short and cruel message.

Despite this, he still accepted £5000 that my dad sent him. Never sent a message to say thanks. In the end while my father was actively dying, my brother came and said his goodbyes. My dad in a palliative coma and likely not able to hear him. Going to his deathbed thinking his only son didnt care enough to come and say goodbye. My dad had really awful terminal agitation. He screamed for days on end, despite all of the drugs he was given. He eventually did settle but it was me alone who dealt with the worst of it.

It was me alone who visited him for the duration of his time in hospital. I had just started a really stressful job when he was diagnosed. I did my best to see him at least 4 times a week. There would be times when I was not fully present or desperate to get home to rest and im sure he knew this. I feel angry that I had no support and that is how I spent many of my last days with my dad.

He didnt help clear out his house. He didnt help with any arrangements or anything.

My dad didnt have a lot of money but what he did have, I shared evenly because I would feel gross if I didnt. My brother when he know the money was waiting immediately asked to come and collect it. He didnt once offer to do the same when my dad’s ashes were ready. He didnt do it with anything else other than money. I really feel like I detest him.

I want to share my anger with him but I know it will be futile. I just need to get this out because its driving me crazy. How can people be so selfish

[Alex]

Hi @Jm1232

Thank you so much for sharing this with the community I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.

Take good care,
Alex

[Tryingtokeepgoing]

Hi Jm

I, too had a very difficult time with a close relative at the time of my mother‘s death - they effectively left me to deal virtually alone with all the difficult things for weeks on end. I found it almost impossible to get my mind around this and in the end confided in a very close friend because I thought I would go mad. She said something that I have come to think of as very wise. She said “ I don’t know why he has done the things he has done, but he will have to live with the choices he made.” I have found that short comment incredibly helpful. As time has gone on I have also reached the conclusion that he didn’t do a lot of things because he simply couldn’t, he was just not able to manage the grief and worry and sorrow that went along with caring for my mother. I could wish that it were otherwise, but I have come to terms with the fact that this is how it is and expecting him to change is as useful as telling rain not to be wet. We can never understand truly what goes on in another person‘s head, and what you say about the money in your family on the surface sounds horrible. Nevertheless, I think you are very wise to continue to act fairly as, as you say, you need to be able to live with yourself. I don’t know if you are at to religious, but even if you are not this is another saying I found helpful “God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. “. I hope at least some of this is of some use - and hang on in there. Hugs J